July, Mad, Bad, Sad etc. Grumpy's Alternative News.

Funny old July, at times I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Gangster Juan Tijerina tried to escape from a Mexican jail curled up inside a wheelie holdall pulled by his fiancee. Evidently on a previous occasion a Mexican once tried to escape across the border into California disguised as a car seat. Is it a 'Latino' quirk? In Spain a man loaded his 'mate' IN a suitcase inside the baggage compartment of a bus. The idea was to rob the other cases in the compartment. (He was caught when somebody noticed a man talking to a suitcase!)

There's a few more jobs around at long last. No takers though for the head of the National Crime Agency (NCA). Only £214,000 a year! Perhaps we're all waiting for William Breathes (a pen name) to resign. He is America's first professional cannabis critic. He tests Colorado's 300 plus cannabis dispensers. (A cannabis plant, alive and thriving was found in a hanging basket in Glastonbury. I reckon someones 'having a larf'. And talking of Glastonbury, TWO TONS of drink cans were weighed in after the Festival this year.) Finally who's going to replace Lalit Mohan Pant, an Indian government doctor in Madhya State who has performed 275,000 vasectomies and female sterilisations in a thirty year career.
Still some strange people about. Andrew Castle was found guilty at Preston Crown Court of trying to kill his wife with a home-made electric chair. I wonder if he studied DIY at night school. A television actress, Jasmine Maddock left her mother's corpse behind a door so she could continue to claim her pension. That's one hell of a doorstop. And Rick Perry sounds 'one hell of a guy.' Evidently he slips on his shoulder holster containing his Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets before he goes out jogging in the morning. Oh, and he's thinking of running for President. 'Texans elect folks like me' he once said and his wife told him 'It was his duty to save America.' (There were at least five people killed in five separate shootings in America in July.) What a mentality!

We're not so gun happy here but we're not perfect. There were over 4,000 incidents of serious violence in schools and colleges per year for the past five years. Weapons seized included swords, knives, axes and a meat cleaver. Talking of schools, over £2,000,000 was paid out in compensation last year. Including, £3,000 (cut by a thorn) £25,000 (falling out of a tree) and £5,000 (wandering off and got lost.) Funny places, schools. Especially the one in Uganda that was using an unexploded bomb as a school bell. Evidently hitting it with stones was ideal for calling children to lessons.

I see a doll of the Queen as a toddler is to go on sale. She was apparently never very keen. Perhaps a toy Mercedes with Hitler in the back is more interesting. Very authentic, the Fuhrer even gives a Nazi salute! Or how about some Orlebar Brown swimmings trunks. All the rage at £150. David Beckham could afford them (What did you think of Harper for his daughter's name) and the man who recently paid £75,000 for a 200 year old bottle of Chateau d'Yquem certainly could. (He's going to drink the wine at a family gathering in 2017.)

Two little items that made me think. After all these years the idea that you need eight glasses of water a day to be healthy has been proved an 'urban myth' according to the British Medical Journal. Similarly the idea that late night eating make you fat has been debunked. When you eat makes no difference. And did you know millions of us do the same thing every day, every week, every year. Evidently 52% of us cook mince and tomatoes on a Monday. And 38% have pasta bake on a Tuesday and 27% have chicken pie on Wednesday (AlertMe). Plus you probably sit down to eat at 5.54pm and go to bed at 10.39pm. You learn something new with Grumpy every post!

Finally two stories concerning the law. A woman hurt by a falling light whilst having sex on a business trip is suing for compensation. The woman, an Australian civil servant says the claim is merited as she was on a business trip!

And to end on a heart warming story. Hannah Jones from Ross-on-Wye went to court, aged thirteen to refuse a heart transplant. She later changed her mind and now aged sixteen, making up for lost time, attended the Glastonbury Festival. In September Hannah starts college. In Hannah's own words, 'How cool is that?'

It might be a mad, bad, sometimes sad world, but by god, it's seldom dull.

Was it Really 'Orrible October? Grumpy's Alternative News.

Not a bad month for the ladies. For a start, eleven ladies in the Shadow Cabinet. Can't be bad; or can it! And Elaine Mormon has become the first female to be allowed the title of 'freeminer' in the Forest of Dean. This after a two year legal wrangle, the first lady since the title was first awarded in 1296. It is fair to say the men are not happy! Plus a speech by Katharine Birbalsingh, a school deputy head was the sensation of the Conservative Conference in Birmingham. Yet her suggestion that too liberal thinking in education is not wise was met with derision and ultimately suspension. However I don't think we have heard the end of Katherine. Mind you, Faye Pounder of Stokes Croft was a less than happy lady. Her helpful flatmate loaded all Fayes possessions into her car prior to a move. Unfortunately it was the wrong car and has not been seen since!

So how have the men fared in October? A benefits cheat in Warrington, claiming to be 'virtually an invalid was working as a gym instructor. The former Mayor of Belfast, Jim Rodgers tried to vault over Lorraine Rogers who was 'dressed' as a tomato at the time. (Don't ask why!) He failed, she received £24,000 for injuries sustained. A House of Commons official was jailed for submitting fake invoices in the name of MP's. (Why was he jailed and MP's themselves get off seemingly scott free?) And a financial director of the London Philharmonic Orchestra was jailed for fiddling £648,000. Not exactly pennies, and I notice his wife, an ex-Tory councillor has now left him. (Does that count as a plus or a minus for the ladies?) Plus Robert Johnson, a senior BBC executive deliberately tried to distort the numbers of staff earning over £100,000 a year. Who pays the licence fees, you horrible man! And poor old President Sarkozy, as if he hasn't got enough problems. Now he's got to pay 800 million Euros to the Dassault company for a jet fighter that failed to attract a single order. Makes the UK sound almost efficient. (Mind you, the figures coming out on government waste make interesting reading. Some examples of government spending, l equals lowest figure paid, h is highest. Box of paper, l £8, h £73. Printer cartridge, l £86, h £398. Laptop l £353, h £2,000. Daily car hire (Ford Mondeo) l £27, h £119.)

Never mind, chaps. Hugh Hefner's Playboy Club is to reopen in London! Hugh's now eighty four, so bunny girls never did him any harm. Anyway, I always did have a soft spot for Beatrix Potter!

Some more completely unrelated tit bits from October. Tickets for Glastonbury 2011 sold out in hours. Plus there will be no Glastonbury 2012. Do you know why, all available portaloos are needed for the 2012 Olympics; I kid you not. Surely they could have made it a requirement that everyone bring a spade! People in Syktvkar, north of Moscow are being plagued by bears. So much so that the authorities have issued the following advice. 'Speak to them in a firm voice and never turn your back.' That's OK then! Hastings pier is no more. Opened in 1872, it was completely destroyed by fire, another bit of British history gone.

I do of course realise I have been somewhat beastly to men in this post. So to redress the balance. An Indian gentleman living in Assam, Bholarum Das has enrolled for a PhD course. He is one hundred years old! A man walked into a Cancer Research UK Charity shop in Glasgow, handed in an envelope, smiled and walked out. The envelope contained £20,000. Two British cave divers were hailed for their courage in trying to rescue a man in caves beneath the gorges of the Ardeche. Well done, Rich Stanton and Jon Volanthen. And finally, credit due to two men. David Mach for his ten feet tall gorilla, made from three thousand coat hangers. And Ian Brennen, official sculptor to the Royal household. His model of HMS Victory is finally finished after seventeen years. Made from one piece of wood, taken from Nelson's flagship, it is a triumph of perseverance and skill. Well done, sirs, you have done us men proud!

Happy Days

Its not only onions that have a tendency to repeat. Television at this time of the year is also full of repeats. Saturday, the most popular night for viewing and what are we offered? Have I Got News For You, Foyle's War, Dad's Army, Benidorm, Law and Order, all repeats. Plus Big Brother highlights, excruiating even first time round and Glastonbury, The Best Bits. Oh, and two films well past their sell by date.
The television remains off and my wife reads as is her wont. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen; The Cat Who series by Lilian Jackson Braun; any Dalziel and Pascoe mystery; Morse, Sharp, Holmes, their adventures are constantly devoured ad infinitum, morning, noon and night.

Fretful I ponder how to amuse myself. What would granny have done, between bringing up eight children, cooking, ironing and attending chapel, God willing. (Plus presumably a lie down when possible.) As soon as I thought of granny the answer was there in a flash, look at the stereo cards of course.

I remember many an evening as a child sat in grannies parlour, looking at 'grannies pictures'. The 'need to know' syndrome might be popular today. But did we children of the late 1940's care that we were looking at examples of stereoscopic images viewed through a stereoscopic viewer. Or that it was invented by a Sir Charles Wheatstone in 1840. Or for that matter realise that stereopsis is most commonly referred to as depth perception. The only thing we cared about was that we loved looking at 'grannies pictures'.

I retrieve the battered box still containing those treasured cards. A little faded, some inevitably yellowed with age, several marked by grubby fingerprints from bygone ages. But most are still viewable. (Many years ago the original viewer fell apart from constant use but I found another in a local auction, no doubt placed there by the fates that surround us all.) I carefully place the cards on a table and the memories flood back.
Pictures of places: Wales, Ireland, the Isle of Man and the Isle of Wight; West Cliff at Ramsgate, seaside and countryside, literally up hill and down dale. Plus nearer to home Chatsworth, Buxton, Matlock and Haddon Hall. We as children had hardly if ever visited such mysterious places. A trip up local fields with corned beef sandwiches and a bottle of pop was as far as we went from the village but we could but dream.

Another popular subject viewed with interest were those that showed the working man in his glory. Particularly favoured were pictures of coal mines, traditionally relevant to Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire at the turn of the century.

A proliferation of pit props that were ideal subjects for three dimensional viewing. Each and everyone viewed with awe and not a little admiration. I view the pit bottom once again and marvel. Nostalgic memories but a sombre reminder of the hard life led by many, a life of physical toil for doubtful reward.

Yet wonderful though these all were, our favourites were those depicting humorous or dramatic scenes, some obvious, others too subtle for childish minds. Romance was often depicted in a gentle, innocent way. 'Love Laughs at Locksmiths,' 'Love in a Tub', two titles with obvious appeal. 'Waiting for Santa Claus' had charm, whilst'Not a Drop till You Kiss me' had a cheeky appeal. The youngest amongst us were alarmed yet still fascinated by two men confronting each other, entitled 'Friend thee had better move', though we never did truly comprehend 'A Jew and a Quaker at work. Experience of either was way beyond our simple village experiences. The subjects were varied in the extreme, and our delight endless.

Particulary seached out time after time was 'Boys bathing', our first experience of people with no clothes on! Perhaps the Victorians were not as prudish as history would have us believe! For once repeats were acceptable. Big Brother, eat your heart out.