July, Mad, Bad, Sad etc. Grumpy's Alternative News.

Funny old July, at times I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Gangster Juan Tijerina tried to escape from a Mexican jail curled up inside a wheelie holdall pulled by his fiancee. Evidently on a previous occasion a Mexican once tried to escape across the border into California disguised as a car seat. Is it a 'Latino' quirk? In Spain a man loaded his 'mate' IN a suitcase inside the baggage compartment of a bus. The idea was to rob the other cases in the compartment. (He was caught when somebody noticed a man talking to a suitcase!)

There's a few more jobs around at long last. No takers though for the head of the National Crime Agency (NCA). Only £214,000 a year! Perhaps we're all waiting for William Breathes (a pen name) to resign. He is America's first professional cannabis critic. He tests Colorado's 300 plus cannabis dispensers. (A cannabis plant, alive and thriving was found in a hanging basket in Glastonbury. I reckon someones 'having a larf'. And talking of Glastonbury, TWO TONS of drink cans were weighed in after the Festival this year.) Finally who's going to replace Lalit Mohan Pant, an Indian government doctor in Madhya State who has performed 275,000 vasectomies and female sterilisations in a thirty year career.
Still some strange people about. Andrew Castle was found guilty at Preston Crown Court of trying to kill his wife with a home-made electric chair. I wonder if he studied DIY at night school. A television actress, Jasmine Maddock left her mother's corpse behind a door so she could continue to claim her pension. That's one hell of a doorstop. And Rick Perry sounds 'one hell of a guy.' Evidently he slips on his shoulder holster containing his Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets before he goes out jogging in the morning. Oh, and he's thinking of running for President. 'Texans elect folks like me' he once said and his wife told him 'It was his duty to save America.' (There were at least five people killed in five separate shootings in America in July.) What a mentality!

We're not so gun happy here but we're not perfect. There were over 4,000 incidents of serious violence in schools and colleges per year for the past five years. Weapons seized included swords, knives, axes and a meat cleaver. Talking of schools, over £2,000,000 was paid out in compensation last year. Including, £3,000 (cut by a thorn) £25,000 (falling out of a tree) and £5,000 (wandering off and got lost.) Funny places, schools. Especially the one in Uganda that was using an unexploded bomb as a school bell. Evidently hitting it with stones was ideal for calling children to lessons.

I see a doll of the Queen as a toddler is to go on sale. She was apparently never very keen. Perhaps a toy Mercedes with Hitler in the back is more interesting. Very authentic, the Fuhrer even gives a Nazi salute! Or how about some Orlebar Brown swimmings trunks. All the rage at £150. David Beckham could afford them (What did you think of Harper for his daughter's name) and the man who recently paid £75,000 for a 200 year old bottle of Chateau d'Yquem certainly could. (He's going to drink the wine at a family gathering in 2017.)

Two little items that made me think. After all these years the idea that you need eight glasses of water a day to be healthy has been proved an 'urban myth' according to the British Medical Journal. Similarly the idea that late night eating make you fat has been debunked. When you eat makes no difference. And did you know millions of us do the same thing every day, every week, every year. Evidently 52% of us cook mince and tomatoes on a Monday. And 38% have pasta bake on a Tuesday and 27% have chicken pie on Wednesday (AlertMe). Plus you probably sit down to eat at 5.54pm and go to bed at 10.39pm. You learn something new with Grumpy every post!

Finally two stories concerning the law. A woman hurt by a falling light whilst having sex on a business trip is suing for compensation. The woman, an Australian civil servant says the claim is merited as she was on a business trip!

And to end on a heart warming story. Hannah Jones from Ross-on-Wye went to court, aged thirteen to refuse a heart transplant. She later changed her mind and now aged sixteen, making up for lost time, attended the Glastonbury Festival. In September Hannah starts college. In Hannah's own words, 'How cool is that?'

It might be a mad, bad, sometimes sad world, but by god, it's seldom dull.

Goodbye Mad March. Grumpy's Alternative News.

So what did March bring? Lets start with something to test the taste buds. I hope you enjoyed your Easter Eggs. Did you have one of Waitrose's Ostrich eggs? They are the equivalent of twenty four hen's eggs. Mind you, they cost £18.99 each and take up to an hour and a half to boil. Expensive but no worse than the carrot plugs sold by Gardening Direct . 'Which' reported that each carrot grown would cost £1.00.
I see that Yorkshire rhubarb was awarded Protected Designation of Origin status. (Joining Cornish sardines, Melton Mowbray pork pies and Swaledale cheese.) Now the move is on to get Yorkshire Pudding on the list. Still I suppose they are all healthy foods unlike the popcorn sold in cinemas. According to the Food Standards Agency (FSA) there are 1,800 calories in a 375g bucket of sweetcorn. A stick of rhubarb in the cinema might be a better alternative.
Plus fish and chips were in the news in March. Evidently the sales of cod are down. We are increasingly eating pollock or catfish (Pangasius) instead of cod. Which is OK, but what I want to know is, do we KNOW when we are served the alternatives?
Common sense still seems to be in short supply. The driver in Scotland who faced a fixed penalty fine for blowing his nose in traffic whilst stationery had his case dismissed. And the lady in Sandwell whose two gnomes, pot tortoise and 'welcome' plaque were removed due to 'fire safety rules' had them returned by the embarrassed council. But the bingo callers in Sudbury, as decreed by the council, still can't call out 'two fat ladies, 88' in case anyone is offended.
About on a par with Northampton Borough Council, who have decided, on 'health and safety' grounds police officers must have ten hours training before they are allowed to ride a bicycle on duty. You feel like laughing at such crass stupidity. Except that there can be serious consequences. An inquest in Scotland heard that a potholer died because a public volunteer was not allowed to use lifting equipment available at the scene of an accident. It took four hours for those allowed to use the equipment to arrive. How sad and pathetic is that. Will we ever learn.
The unluckiest man of the month. The bank robber in Tennessee shot dead by the police on St Patrick's Day. Dressed as, guess what, a leprechaun, and I thought leprechauns were lucky. Mind you, he had done a bank hold up successfully three days before Christmas dressed as Santa Claus.
The most philosophical man of the month. The banker in Wellington, New Zealand who stole $18 million from the ASB Bank. He spent $6.8 on prostitutes and wasted the rest! On wine and property. (Only joking, ladies!)
And the bravest man of the month. Sanal Edamaruku, who challenged a tantric guru to kill him live on Indian television. After several frustrating hours the holy man gave up. But gripping television, beats Coronation Street into the proverbial 'cocked hat.'

March, the month in which the poet laureate wrote a poem about David Beckham's Achilles tendon. Rome announced that Leonardo da Vinci predicted the world would end on November 1st, 4006 (Evidently you only have to look at the Last Supper mural.) And it was finally confirmed what every man already knew. 'Man flu' is real, an evolutionary 'happening', a trade off between high testosterone levels and a robust immune response. So lay off ladies, when he says he doesn't feel well, he doesn't feel well!

So there you have it. I leave you one more fact to ponder. Thomas Beatie and his wife Nancy live in Bend, Oregon. Thomas, a transgender male is seventeen weeks pregnant with his third child. Thomas, formally known as Tracey was a beauty queen before sex reassignment therapy. His wife Nancy is unable to conceive. It is indeed a strange world but good luck to them.