Jolly Old June. Grumpy's Alternative News.

I sometimes wonder if I live on the same planet as some of those in the news. Those in positions of power often make me shudder and I'm not keen what too much power or money does to people. For instance, Beatrice Bolton, a judge in Rothbury, Northumberland is fined £2,500 after her dogs attack three people in a year. Is she contrite, is she heck. 'It's a f****** travesty' is her dismissive retort. And Deputy High Court Judge James Allen seems to think its OK to assault his wife and then suggest she inflicted the injuries on herself. (He was sentenced to twelve months probation and told to remember he is now the 'servant' rather than the 'master'.)

Dentist Chirag Patel uses a dead man's disability badge to park his Ferrari and then whinges when he's caught. He reckons being charged with fraud is 'irrational and oppressive.' George Davis, founder of Next offers his £100,000 Maserati to two policemen if they will let him off a drink driving charge when he is caught over the limit. Tom Campbell, Boris Johnson's cultural strategy manager brags to an interviewer that he regularly shoplifts from high street shops and then sounds surprised that he gets the sack.
Its not the offences that annoy me the most. It's the undiluted arrogance of these people, they seem to have no conception as to how the majority of ordinary, decent people live and think. (Boris Becker is disputing a gardening bill on his estate on Majorca of almost £267,000. A gardening bill, for goodness sake!) What was it I was taught at school, 'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth'!

It really is a mad world. Thirty six male and female police officers are to guard the Olympic flame as it tours the country in 2012. And guess what happens after the tour is over. All involved are to receive counselling to help with their 'reintegration back into the Met'. Ye gods, I kid you not! A man has been charged with clamping unmarked police cars during a visit to Portsmouth by the Queen. How awful for the poor police drivers. I bet they went on sick leave after such a stressful experience.

Some more idiots, but at least they made me smile. The young lady in Hamburg who announced her 16th birthday party on Facebook but didn't say it was private. 1500 turned up; mounted police were needed and she ran away. A security guard in Doncaster used a 12-bore Beretta to remove a wart from his middle finger. He removed the wart, also most of his finger and, he hadn't even got a gun licence! And Mark Wilkinson of Birmingham took his 16ft second-hand cabin cruiser to Lyme Bay for it's maiden voyage. Unfortunately a previous repair proved faulty and the boat sank. The boat's name, Titanic II !

Life never ceases to surprise. A man in Warrington is held under water and drowns. This terrible event during an angling competition at the local canal. A 21 year old man in Plymouth breaks up with the mother of his two children. So he bombards her with text messages, 17,000 over a year. (That's an average of 47 a day.) James and Jacqueline Balmer, a couple from Cirencester never flew in the same plane as their daughters for fear of orphaning their two children. Children now grown up, they fly in the same plane over the Mediterranean. The plane came down between Menton and Monaco; sadly both were killed.

No wonder I found myself floating as on high during June. Better than any drugs, this strange world of ours. Even our animal friends provide surreal experiences that test our grip on reality. Firefighters are called out to rescue a sheep from a roof in Pontycymer, South Wales. Another sheep, Shrek evaded those who tried to clip him by hiding in caves at Tarras, South Island, New Zealand. When they eventually caught him he had thirty kilos of wool on him! Still in New Zealand (North Island) a penguin, nicknamed Happy Feet turns up from the Antartic, 2000 miles away. Somewhat bemused, he eats the beach sand, presumably mistaking it for snow. In Australia a kookaburra becomes wedged in the grille of a Mazda 6 car. Twenty five hours and 442 miles later the car arrives in Brisbane and one lucky bird is released, indignant but very much alive. No wonder they are known as the laughing jackass. Not so lucky Trouble, the Maltese dog whose death was annouced recently. Trouble was left £7.3 million by her owner New York hotel mogul Leona Helmsley. Not a cheap dog to maintain, her security guard alone cost $100,000 a year. And they still won't allow its remains to be buried in the family mausoleum!

Finally a bizarre story from the good old US of A and no guns involved for a change. A women goes to the dentist in Oregon. She is American, has never been abroad but now, after the anaesthetic Halcion, speaks with a foreign accent that some describe as British, some South African. Known as Foreign accent syndrome, the condition is rare but certainly not unknown. How strange indeed is this world we live.

So there you have it. Another month gone. Do me a favour, tell me, please, of all these bizarre happenings, which in particular caught your eye.

Goodbye Mad March. Grumpy's Alternative News.

So what did March bring? Lets start with something to test the taste buds. I hope you enjoyed your Easter Eggs. Did you have one of Waitrose's Ostrich eggs? They are the equivalent of twenty four hen's eggs. Mind you, they cost £18.99 each and take up to an hour and a half to boil. Expensive but no worse than the carrot plugs sold by Gardening Direct . 'Which' reported that each carrot grown would cost £1.00.
I see that Yorkshire rhubarb was awarded Protected Designation of Origin status. (Joining Cornish sardines, Melton Mowbray pork pies and Swaledale cheese.) Now the move is on to get Yorkshire Pudding on the list. Still I suppose they are all healthy foods unlike the popcorn sold in cinemas. According to the Food Standards Agency (FSA) there are 1,800 calories in a 375g bucket of sweetcorn. A stick of rhubarb in the cinema might be a better alternative.
Plus fish and chips were in the news in March. Evidently the sales of cod are down. We are increasingly eating pollock or catfish (Pangasius) instead of cod. Which is OK, but what I want to know is, do we KNOW when we are served the alternatives?
Common sense still seems to be in short supply. The driver in Scotland who faced a fixed penalty fine for blowing his nose in traffic whilst stationery had his case dismissed. And the lady in Sandwell whose two gnomes, pot tortoise and 'welcome' plaque were removed due to 'fire safety rules' had them returned by the embarrassed council. But the bingo callers in Sudbury, as decreed by the council, still can't call out 'two fat ladies, 88' in case anyone is offended.
About on a par with Northampton Borough Council, who have decided, on 'health and safety' grounds police officers must have ten hours training before they are allowed to ride a bicycle on duty. You feel like laughing at such crass stupidity. Except that there can be serious consequences. An inquest in Scotland heard that a potholer died because a public volunteer was not allowed to use lifting equipment available at the scene of an accident. It took four hours for those allowed to use the equipment to arrive. How sad and pathetic is that. Will we ever learn.
The unluckiest man of the month. The bank robber in Tennessee shot dead by the police on St Patrick's Day. Dressed as, guess what, a leprechaun, and I thought leprechauns were lucky. Mind you, he had done a bank hold up successfully three days before Christmas dressed as Santa Claus.
The most philosophical man of the month. The banker in Wellington, New Zealand who stole $18 million from the ASB Bank. He spent $6.8 on prostitutes and wasted the rest! On wine and property. (Only joking, ladies!)
And the bravest man of the month. Sanal Edamaruku, who challenged a tantric guru to kill him live on Indian television. After several frustrating hours the holy man gave up. But gripping television, beats Coronation Street into the proverbial 'cocked hat.'

March, the month in which the poet laureate wrote a poem about David Beckham's Achilles tendon. Rome announced that Leonardo da Vinci predicted the world would end on November 1st, 4006 (Evidently you only have to look at the Last Supper mural.) And it was finally confirmed what every man already knew. 'Man flu' is real, an evolutionary 'happening', a trade off between high testosterone levels and a robust immune response. So lay off ladies, when he says he doesn't feel well, he doesn't feel well!

So there you have it. I leave you one more fact to ponder. Thomas Beatie and his wife Nancy live in Bend, Oregon. Thomas, a transgender male is seventeen weeks pregnant with his third child. Thomas, formally known as Tracey was a beauty queen before sex reassignment therapy. His wife Nancy is unable to conceive. It is indeed a strange world but good luck to them.