Sunday, 30 January 2011

Did January Have You Jumping? Grumpy's Alternative News.

Another month that made you feel sad, glad and sometimes mad. I see the ambulance technician who didn't attend a heart attack victim (in Scotland) because he was on his 'tea break' kept his job. Not so the teacher in Wales who took a sledge to school in the snow so that pupils could enjoy themselves. He failed the written risk assessment. Health and Safety still rules OK. And I see gun sales in America went up after the tragic shootings in Tucson, Arizona. (A ten year old is at present on trial in Ohio accused of shooting his mother; the police found four weapons in his bedroom.) I despair of the place, cheered only by those who plead for sanity, but in vain. Sadly talking of guns, in Sweden an annual cull to kill twenty wolves has attracted around 6,500 hunters. (despite an EU ban.)
It's enough to drive you to drink. A bit like the dozens of starlings who 'drank' themselves to death in Constanta after consuming grapes left over from wine making. Doubtful, though that the flock of around 3,000 red-winged blackbirds that fell from the sky above Beebe in Arkansas had been drinking. (suspected cause lightning.) And not so the pigeon outside a Columbian prison. The amount of crack cocaine strapped to its wings meant it was mission impossible where take off was concerned. Most people like animals. Penguins have come out top in the Edinburgh Zoo 'adoption scheme'. (At its sister Highland Wildlife Park polar bears came top.) And pandas are never far behind. Edinburgh Zoo has been 'gifted' a pair of giant pandas by China for ten years. Mating is the aim but its not easy. (for pandas, silly.) Many zoos have tried various methods and failed. Encouraging them to stand up (strengthens pelvic muscles). Showing them films of pandas mating, even viagra (honest); nothing seems to work. Mind you, evidently for 362 days of the year pandas are not interested in sex. Sounds about right! So don't hold your breath. But animal of the month has to be Heidi, the cross-eyed opossum. now in Leipzig Zoo and soon to be released from quarantine; she is ensured instant fame. She already has a Face-Book page with 50,000 friends, a hit video on YouTube, a song and a replica doll. Remember you read it here first!
The world is one hell of a place. I notice The Home Office has been named as the most gay-friendly employer. I read also that Sir Elton John's baby Zachary, born to a surrogate mother, has 'two mothers and two fathers.' Campbell's soup is returning to Britain and I hadn't even noticed it had gone away. Houses in Wimbledon Village (SW19) averaged more than £5 million each between 2006 and 2010. No wonder people like Sarah Vine, a Cabinet minister's wife buys marmalade at Harrods costing £8.95 a jar. (David Cameron's father left him £300,000 tax free in his will; estate worth £2.7 million.) Mind you, who needs money. James Stevenson, an IT manager didn't. He defrauded the Sainsbury system out of 17 million Nectar points. He could have gone to Alton Towers 2,700 times. As Tommy Trinder used to say 'Now there's a funny thing.'
Mind you, money's not everything. Certainly not where the Royal Mint is concerned. Some of the £2 coins issued for the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot read 'Pemember the Fifth of November'. Worth £10 on e-bay so I'm told. (I have a 'nine bob note ' on my wall, but at least that was done deliberately.) I cannot understand when all they do is make coins and notes they get it wrong. Doesn't anybody check? They should let Tesco run the Royal Mint. They seem to want to run everything else. Not long ago they went into pawnbroking. Now they're talking about opening beauty parlours. Phones, food, banking, what next, Tesco.
And that's about it. My more sensitive readers, please finish here. For I couldn't resist the news that the ladies in the red light districts in Holland are to face stricter income tax enforcement. 19% value added tax on every sex 'act'. Every little helps towards their state pension. Mind you, the inspectors are sympathetic. Sex toys and rent, tax deductable (between 33% and 52%) plus the following advice. Because of fire hazards, 'all clients involved in sado-masochistic acts are required to be bound and gagged in a way that would allow them to free themselves in 30 seconds.' And, 'All bedside tables to have a pair of wire cutters in the drawers.'
There will of course be three more monthly 'reports'. But evidently not May. for, according to 'We Can Know', a Christian organisation based in North Carolina, Judgement Day is to be May 21st.
So there you have it, and I repeat, 'Don't forget you heard it here first!


Bernard said...

"A Nine bob note"?
Looks more like a Nine Pound note to me. :)
My Campbell's soup changed its name last year to "Batchelor's soup". I wonder if it's coming back? :)

John Teal said...

I think your alternate news should replace the normal news ! Much more entertaining.

David Macaulay said...

Always great to catch up with your upbeat assessments Ken. January did suck didn't it?

CWMartin said...

And now, the American response.
The Ambulance tech- FIRE HIM! When he sues, settle out of court for a case of Earl Gray.
Teacher from Wales- HIRE HIM!!, Throw a new sledge or two into his package!
Guns in the USA: Remember (or is that Pemember?) that the stories you hear are only the jagged tip of the iceberg. 7 of 10 guns sold go to law-abiding citizens for hunting or self-defense. Two go to thugs, gangs, and/or drug dealers, and the other goes to the whackjob du jour. And the Ohio case? Hillbillies are unregulated for natural selection purposes.
Home Office hiring? No offense, but not a surprise. the UK has a rep here as PC in the extreme.
Spell check at the mint? Hell, here we can't even get the news stations to spell check. Thus we have stories of the water being low at the Hurshtown damn.
VAT tax on sex? 3 questions. 1)What is the product you're adding value to? 2)What is the value you're adding to it? and 3)How do you calculate just how much value was added?
Thanks for the laughs, it's always a riot here.

Valerie said...

That explains why I couldn't find Campbells Soup the other day... I threw the recipe away and now you tell me it's coming back. Duh!

Once again I had reason to laugh as I read your post.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Great read as ever Ken
Love these monthly news summaries. Much bettter than reading the newspapers.
Apologies for my delayed email - the non Blogging world has gone crazy!! - more or less in line woth your post LOL

Shrinky said...

Oh Ken, where do you get these from? What a brilliant read, fascinating, depressing and ironically hysterical, all in one!

L.A.C.E. said...

well then, I guess I need to start stock piling the food now. As well as review and refine my bucket list before May. thanks for the info.

Richard G. Crockett said...

Oh, how I love your posts, Sir Ken.

As always, I find it hard to encompass them in a simple comment, so i will focus on one, small detail. Maybe two.

'Possums. Seriously? Nasty critters. We have some living under our house, so we have an incessant flea problem. Last summer, one of the juveniles came into the house and got into the trash. Where's my gun?

Just kidding. I don't own one. But the sentiment stands.

ILoveMyDogandMy Music said...

Sounds like January kept you jumping keeping up with all of that news. Mine was pretty quiet. Lots of snow, books and music lessons.

Bernard said...

Thanks Ken, for you comment on my blog. :D
The blog layouts today are set up for you.
You don't need to stick with the template you have. Some people choose a new one every month or so. If you choose a new one and don't like it, you can easily revert back to the original.
In answer to your question - yes, I am making it up as I go along. :(
Not really a good idea, as things come to you later which you wished you had included. A better bet would be to have a plan, as chapters in a book. Oh, well!
I've started know - so guess I'll carry on - totally un-organised.
(On closer inspection - it is a nine-bob-note! )

Unknown said...

Yikes Ken, I live in North Carolina, so I only have until May 21st?

I agree with RJR, in that your news is much more entertaining than what's in the papers or on TV.

fizzycat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rock Chef said...

I want to know how 6500 hunters kill 20 wolves - do they form groups of 300 or so and all shoot at the same time like a huge firing squad? I guess it would at least be a quick death!

Lakeland Jo said...

Imagine only paying £8,95 for marmalade. I hate cheap stuff. And I have put May 21st in my diary- think its going to be a busy day. I will need an hour's slot at least

1000 Awesome Things in a Teacher's Life said...

Lovely summary... who needs E! and CNN? :)

Stranger in a Strange Land said...

Just when I thought North Carolina couldn't get any more weird for a brit! As if the guns weren't enough - I have the end of the world to look forward to. I wonder if it is my neighbour's blog!
Cheers Ken!

Teresa Ashby said...

I'm gutted that I've only found your blog a few months before Judgement Day. At least I can now approach the end with a smile on my face!

sleepinl8 said...

So, we never did hear about whether you accepted the job as replacement of albert as the excessively drunk