Don't Laugh, it's Not Funny.

Some things in the June news made me laugh and they shouldn't have. Perhaps laugh is the wrong word. The two homeless men who sold a man they killed to a kebab stall is not funny. But what caught my eye was the fact that nothing was found when the stall was searched. The two men ate most of him and nothing remained when the stall was examined. 'The meat, from the deceased victim had already been cooked or sold, an investigator said. Moral, don't buy kebabs from stalls in Moscow.

People never cease to amaze. Three strange men, take your pick. The seventeen stone burglar in Devon caught trying to wriggle through a two foot hole he had made in order to get into a departmental store. One, he inevitably got wedged and two, his wriggling set off the burglar alarm. Or how about the idiot rescued in the middle of the night a mile off Bournmouth in a four foot long toy boat, equipped with only one paddle, a sandwich and a drink. Perhaps the south excels when it comes to complete fools. Phillip Northmore wanted to look smart in court when accused of shoplifting in Exeter. So he stole a suit on his way there and was promptly apprehended. In court he admitted the offence, along with drunkenness, criminal damage and breaching a suspended jail term. I'm not sure the collective term for all three, any suggestions?

I thought the last gentleman mentioned at least showed initiative. Governments and their ilk are always imploring us to show 'initiative'. The man in Chatham ordered to tidy up his garden following a visit by environmental health officers after complaints from neighbours showed initiative. The next time his garden was inspected it was spotless. Gone were the bin bags, fridges, vacuum cleaners and microwaves. Only when the officers looked over his five feet fence they saw next door's garden contained, bin bags, fridges, vacuum cleaners and microwaves. Which cost James Sullivan £185 in fines for the easy answer to his problem. Could be worse, he could live next door to you!

(Talking of living next door, how would next door be advertised in the estate agent's window. Estate agent Simon Ward believes in being honest. He described one house in Bournmouth as 'A sorry home that needs gutting.' He said of another, 'I apologise for the lack of photographs but I didn't really fancy spending too long in there.') Not that everyone is so honest; mind you, some are too honest. A drunken driver trapped in his overturned car in Auckland opened another can of beer whilst he waited for emergency services to arrive. Asked how much he had consumed, he replied, 'I've been drinking for four days straight.' His honesty cost him £525 in fines and a ten month ban.

No, not everyone is honest. A student in Oxford 'stole' his own bicycle nine times using bolt cutters to see if any member of the public would challenge him. And how many did so? One, and he took no action.! It's easier to look the other way. Perhaps if the bikes were wired up to the 'mains ' it would be the 'shock' some people need. Too drastic? Maybe. But officials in Cape Town have come up with a 'bright idea'. Thieves keep stealing the cables to the street lights. So now they leave the lights on during the day. A shocking idea? Try cutting through live cables, definitely a painful experience!

The three men offering The Ritz Hotel for sale, price £250 million were not exactly honest either but they certainly showed initiative.Terence Collins, a London property dealer jumped at the chance to buy. He's no fool concerning property and knew full well The Ritz was worth £600 million of anybodies money. Mr Collins knows a bargain and transferred £1 million to the accounts of Mr Patrick Dolan and Mr Anthony Lee as a down payment. Unfortunately the Ritz belongs to the Barclay brothers, Sirs David and Frederick, owners of The Daily Telegraph. The trial of Patrick and Anthony proceeds, no sign of the million pound deposit. Didn't the name of the men's solicitor ring alarm bells. 'Conn' Farrell, I ask you! You couldn't make it up!

Finally a man after Grumpys own heart. A Dutchman in the village of Minnertsa lived with his four siblings and was evidently an awkward old so and so, Described as 'Used to being obeyed and quick to anger.' So when he said he was not to be disturbed in his bedroom they followed his instructions. His body was found in bed four years later!

April Showers (Grumpy's Alternative News.)

In a month when politicians yet again disgraced themselves with their greed, lies and e-mail shenanigans, stories from the animal kingdom brought welcome respite. Animals are more interesting than politicians anyway.
Take the politician in Poland who criticised his local zoo for acquiring a gay elephant. 'We didn't pay 37 million zlotys building the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there' he is quoted as saying. There is so much you could say on this story, for once I am speechless!
Did you notice the building of three hundred houses in Bristol has been delayed by a colony of slowworms. (A protected legless lizard) A real go slow I reckon. Go slow, get it. Oh, please yourself!
I also noticed scientists in Dubai have created the first cloned camel. The obvious question is why? Named Injaz, evidently its mother was slaughtered for meat in 2005. Its enough to give you the hump! Mind you, not everyone has kind feelings towards our four legged friends. A French bus driver in Berlin, Christina Pommerel was suspended for stopping to save a frog from getting squashed by her double decker bus. Irate passengers said her actions made them late. What miserable people. I hope the next bus drives straight past their queue!
Luckier was a giant lobster in Oxford University named Don, (weight 7lbs 7ounces, almost the same as my new grandson, Ted, but not half as handsome.) He, Don, not Ted was rehoused in the Blue Reef Aquarium, Southsea after outgrowing his tank. Presumably after six years in Oxford he is now a PHD. (Perfectly Happy Don.) I know, I know, it gets worse!
Plus Peta, the animal rights group showed us its heart is in the right place. They urged the Pet Shop Boys to change their names to the Rescue Shelter Boys to help in the fight against animal cruelty. They, Peta suggested it might encourage fans to consider giving a home to an abandoned animal from an animal shelter. The Pet Shop Boys were not unsympathetic but suggested they leave them alone and go and bother the Artic Monkeys instead.
I noticed Courtney Love was in the news and I must confess I had to look up exactly who she is. Evidently removal men packing her belongings threw out a dead bird in a matchbox. Which was a pity as it was an £8,000 work by the artist Polly Morgan. A replacement had to be sent (presumably at the same price), good business for the artist.
Notice how the moment humans are involved things tend to go wrong. A life size statue of a reclining horse, value £200,000 by Dame Elizabeth Frink is an object of rare beauty. Unfortunately one has gone missing from a gated property in Surrey. Stolen almost certainly by men in a Land Rover, its scrap value will, alas, be far short of £200,000. The police spokesman's comments that the vehicle 'caused a substantial amount of damage to the lawn' suggests he was more of a gardener than an art connoisseur.
Finally a real treat. Richard Lavelle, aged eighty has trained visiting foxes to beg for food on their nightly visits. Well done Mr Lavelle, you brightened a somewhat dour month. The gentleman in question lives approximately half a mile from where I am typing this blog. I have no doubt his foxes visit my garden (there are at least seven foxes.) The RSPCA put a dampener on events, pontificating, 'They could easily become dependent on you, then what happens when you move away?' Oh for goodness sake, lighten up, RSPCA. I reckon if all else fails these foxes (video) will form a group and go busking in town.