There Goes January, Grumpy's Alternative News

I am very pleased that I have readers from abroad as well as our own fair isles so for starters here's a little for them.
Australia.
How many noticed the plight of the Australian hurdler, gold medalist Jana Rawlinson who achieved her wish of having a larger bust, £7,500 implants, only to find it affected her performances. (On the track, naughty naughty!) So the operation was reversed, result, a flat chest once again and hopefully more medals.
The good old US of A.
Or the couple who have had a snowball in their fridge at Lakeland, Florida since the 1977 snowfall. Taken out proudly on special occasions, the owner, a Mrs Prena Thomas suggested 'It's like a little pet.' There's snow answer to that!
Canada, old sedate Canada.
But nothing ever stays the same. The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines has had to change its name to Canada's History. Evidently if you trawl the internet for anything to do with beavers, you are likely to come up with a porn site. Or two or three or four. (And its true, honest! I tried it in the name of research!)
Germany

Mind you, they can be naughty in Germany too. A German policeman was suspended for having sex with a woman during a Roman Catholic early morning service in Rennertshofen. It couldn't have been a very interesting sermon! (Do they have sermons in RC churches?)

Great Britain

Moving swiftly on, it seems we Brits are getting bigger. A crematorium in West Bromwich has had to increase the size of one furnace, the present ones being too small for some customers. Evidently a noticeable trend over the last decade. More exercise and less sitting and phoning needed. Not helped by Canon Parrot at St Lawrence Jewry Church, London. He had city workers bring in their mobile phones to church. (The idea where city workers bring in the tools of their trade to be blessed.)

So what else caught the eye. We are told the recession is officially over. And just in time, for there are bargains to be had out there. I notice a five by seven foot beach hut is for sale in Southwold for a mere £40,000. The reason its so cheap, the windows broken, the doors missing and it needs repainting. If I were you I'd go for the houseboat Ocean, much bigger and moored at Cadogan Pier near the Albert Bridge in London. Now this one's in good nick, a snip at £1,000,000.

I reckon the twerp of the month was Owen Woodgate, an actor playing Prince Charming in the pantomime at Lowestoft. His Twitter post read 'Sh*t hole of a town. Everyone is pregnant. No Starbucks. Hoodies dominate the streets. Poo.' Charming! Was he too surprised that he was booed when he appeared on stage!

It's no pantomime either for the prisoners in the Isle of Man jail. Its Europe's only non smoking jail and now teabags are banned because prisoners were smoking them. Talking of criminals, police in Sweden were puzzled as to why thieves were stealing left shoes of designer footwear from displays in Malmo boutiques. Some clever detective work revealed that they were then transported to Denmark where right shoes are traditionally displayed. Paired up correctly with shoes in Copenhagen, seven pairs were worth £900. You couldn't make it up!

Finally, does size matter. Please, please, stop sniggering, especially the ladies, its a rhetorical question! The reason I ask were two items of news that make you think, or is it blink. In Istanbul the worlds largest and the worlds smallest men met for a photo shoot for The Guinness World Records. At 8ft 1 inch and 2ft 5 inches respectively they made an amazingly, if curious couple. I hope those who organise such meetings compensate the pair properly.

More in my line is PC Robin Port, a police officer in Tiverton, Devon. I would have loved to have been a policeman, but at 5ft 4 inches in the 1950's, no chance. I was born too early. But now there are no maximum or minimum height requirements. And at 5ft nothing PC Port is Britain's smallest policeman. Good luck to him.

Yet another good month. Bob Dylan was indeed right when he sang, 'Times they are a'changing.'