Tuesday 2 February 2010

There Goes January, Grumpy's Alternative News

I am very pleased that I have readers from abroad as well as our own fair isles so for starters here's a little for them.
How many noticed the plight of the Australian hurdler, gold medalist Jana Rawlinson who achieved her wish of having a larger bust, £7,500 implants, only to find it affected her performances. (On the track, naughty naughty!) So the operation was reversed, result, a flat chest once again and hopefully more medals.
The good old US of A.
Or the couple who have had a snowball in their fridge at Lakeland, Florida since the 1977 snowfall. Taken out proudly on special occasions, the owner, a Mrs Prena Thomas suggested 'It's like a little pet.' There's snow answer to that!
Canada, old sedate Canada.
But nothing ever stays the same. The Beaver, one of Canada's oldest magazines has had to change its name to Canada's History. Evidently if you trawl the internet for anything to do with beavers, you are likely to come up with a porn site. Or two or three or four. (And its true, honest! I tried it in the name of research!)
Mind you, they can be naughty in Germany too. A German policeman was suspended for having sex with a woman during a Roman Catholic early morning service in Rennertshofen. It couldn't have been a very interesting sermon! (Do they have sermons in RC churches?)
Great Britain
Moving swiftly on, it seems we Brits are getting bigger. A crematorium in West Bromwich has had to increase the size of one furnace, the present ones being too small for some customers. Evidently a noticeable trend over the last decade. More exercise and less sitting and phoning needed. Not helped by Canon Parrot at St Lawrence Jewry Church, London. He had city workers bring in their mobile phones to church. (The idea where city workers bring in the tools of their trade to be blessed.)
So what else caught the eye. We are told the recession is officially over. And just in time, for there are bargains to be had out there. I notice a five by seven foot beach hut is for sale in Southwold for a mere £40,000. The reason its so cheap, the windows broken, the doors missing and it needs repainting. If I were you I'd go for the houseboat Ocean, much bigger and moored at Cadogan Pier near the Albert Bridge in London. Now this one's in good nick, a snip at £1,000,000.
I reckon the twerp of the month was Owen Woodgate, an actor playing Prince Charming in the pantomime at Lowestoft. His Twitter post read 'Sh*t hole of a town. Everyone is pregnant. No Starbucks. Hoodies dominate the streets. Poo.' Charming! Was he too surprised that he was booed when he appeared on stage!
It's no pantomime either for the prisoners in the Isle of Man jail. Its Europe's only non smoking jail and now teabags are banned because prisoners were smoking them. Talking of criminals, police in Sweden were puzzled as to why thieves were stealing left shoes of designer footwear from displays in Malmo boutiques. Some clever detective work revealed that they were then transported to Denmark where right shoes are traditionally displayed. Paired up correctly with shoes in Copenhagen, seven pairs were worth £900. You couldn't make it up!
Finally, does size matter. Please, please, stop sniggering, especially the ladies, its a rhetorical question! The reason I ask were two items of news that make you think, or is it blink. In Istanbul the worlds largest and the worlds smallest men met for a photo shoot for The Guinness World Records. At 8ft 1 inch and 2ft 5 inches respectively they made an amazingly, if curious couple. I hope those who organise such meetings compensate the pair properly.
More in my line is PC Robin Port, a police officer in Tiverton, Devon. I would have loved to have been a policeman, but at 5ft 4 inches in the 1950's, no chance. I was born too early. But now there are no maximum or minimum height requirements. And at 5ft nothing PC Port is Britain's smallest policeman. Good luck to him.
Yet another good month. Bob Dylan was indeed right when he sang, 'Times they are a'changing.'


Von said...

Oh Ken,it's just because we get our comments in first due to the time differences!Our Jana was a brave girl to fess up don't you think?
Loved the tweet of the actor, who does he think reads these things? He obviously couldn't do two things at one i.e be an actor and bright.
Nothing like good porridge to breed a race of big people who need a new crematorium!
Happy February,don't forget it's a short month so you'll be a few days short on stories.Roll on month.

Anonymous said...


Sueann said...

Well now I feel ready to start my day. I am so well informed. Thank you. New crematoriums huh? Who would have thought that would be such a crisis!?! We always hear of "big" Americans...and now we will hear of the "big" Brits. LOL!! And those beach houses look like they are worth $1.298!!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Made my day reading this Ken. Your feature is priceless.
The Australian hurdler would be a little slower crossing the line because she would take microseconds longer to break the tape LOL.
Loved the snowball being a little pet.
The German Policeman rise to fame during the 'Homily'(RC word for sermon)is rather 'titilating'. Wonder if he and she went to confession after.
Must be careful not to eat too much otherwise the crematorium may not be able to cope with me LOL.
All good stuff, Ken.
Glad the yanks are coming on board - they have great senses of humour (thank God!!) See you ~ Eddie

Nota Bene said...

A fine selection on which to end my day with a smile...thanks

Bernard said...

Sorry Ken, that ccc was me testing.
I didn't mean it to actually post, I was going to do a preview.
I seem to be able to comment on some sites using Internet Explorer and I have to use Google Chrome for others. I'm baffled.

the fly in the web said...

And you might like to consider for February President Sarkozy having a pizza oven installed in his new secondhand aeroplane.

Kitty said...

Thanks for the smiles in this post Ken ... I needed it. x

cheshire wife said...

Good to know that January was not all doom and gloom!

Gill - That British Woman said...

as always, I love your news better than the tv news!!! We Canadians have to do something to keep warm in this long cold winter!!

Gill in Canada

Donna B. said...

You, Grumpy Ken, are HILARIOUS! I'm following you all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada!!!

Robert said...

Great selection, Ken. Thanks!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Can I vote that you read the news now? (And always...)

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Your girl was certainly brave. Certain males have made comments re breasting the tapes. Not me!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

You must go to Southwold. Its very upmarket, or so it thinks!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

You sound very informed! I've never been clear re confession. Does it mean you've sinned but are ok as long as you didn't enjoy it. I think I've got that wrong somewhere!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks. I'm always amazed something turns up'

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Hope you've sorted it all. You should see me and Paulette trying to learn transfering vinyl to the computer an Ipod. Mind bending.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

fly in the web
The president bloke, great, what a self important plonker!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Don't feel down, springs coming!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

cheshire wife
Soon be spring!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

The Beaver, you naughty people and I thought you were all almost puritanical!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Donna B
Hi, thanks and welcome. Watched Barry Manilow last night from Las Vegas. Brilliant, didn't realise he's 67 this year. .

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Hi and thanks. Hope the worlds treating you ok.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I'd love to but the BBC has an ageist policy!

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

GREAT stuff...loved it!! Glad I'm finally having the time to sit down and read blogs again!!