July, You Didn't Let Us Down. Grumpy's Alternative News.

What a month, where do we begin! Money, what to do with it. One of Elvis's pianos is up for sale, they think it might fetch £1,000,000. Plus Roy Roger's horse, Trigger (stuffed of course) is to be auctioned, they think it might fetch up to £133, 000 ($200,000). You're too late for the ashes of the cat featured in the Coronation Street titles, they fetched £800 at a Gloucestershire auctioneers. Talking of ashes, did you notice they're creating a reef in the English Channel made from concrete and reef balls filled with cremated remains. (Ringstead Bay, Dorset.) But I digress, they've not had the Chatsworth House contents auction yet (this autumn. 20,000 items, 1,400 lots.) There's something for everyone: marble chimneypiece £300,000, down to teacups and saucers, £20-£600 plus the Duchess's 'record changer and wireless', circa 1935, £30-50. (All prices are estimates.)

Alternatively you might fancy the new flying car, the Terrafugia Transition, priced £128,000. Money can't buy Paul the octopus who correctly predicted World Cup results but if you're really loaded you could go for that most exclusive of internet domain names, Sex.com. (It fetched $12million when last sold in 2006.) The only person I can think of who could afford that sort of money is Wayne Rooney. He won a court case recently that will make him richer than ever. But it didn't stop him being named as the ugliest footballer on earth by Beautifulpeople.com. Money can't buy everything, Wayne!

Enough of money. What made me laugh, or cry for that matter. The ice-cream van for dogs in Regent's Park is brilliant. 'Canine cookie crunch' indeed. I hope the van, which is called K99 and plays the Scooby Doo theme does well. The burglar from Blackburn who left behind his false teeth when he had a sandwich at the scene of crime was not the sharpest. Nominally brighter than the seventy six year old retired Army major who hurt his back 'tombstoning' at Durdle Door. Couldn't he find something safer with which to occupy himself. Any suggestions? He'd have been better off 'tweeting' like Ivy Bean who died recently, aged 104 and acknowledged as the oldest person on Twitter. Mind you, her 'tweets' weren't exactly ground-breaking. 'Had a visit from our sandra yesterday she bought some parkin which we had with our cuppa.' Rest in peace, Ivy.

There were things in the month that made me wonder. The property tycoon who attacked a helicopter, hitting it and trying to open the pilot's door because it blew dust over his Land Rover lacked self control. Even more serious was the maniac who knifed two people because they hit his car with a discarded lollipop. He was deservedly locked up. Frightening that such people exist. Likewise the idiots in Russia who hoisted a donkey into the air by parachute as a publicity stunt ought to have had a dose of their own medicine. Fortunately such individuals are in the minority.

Just a couple or so items in poor taste. I know some of you love them! Can you remember Keith Chegwin presenting a game show whilst naked. I thought of him when I read someone has been putting up photographs of his private parts (with a pink bow tied round!) around Lewes. No, I am NOT suggesting it is Keith Chegwin! The pictures are being examined for fingerprints. Honestly! There is so, so much more I could say but I mustn't! And evidently 'a big budget' p0rn movie was shot in a London hospital. They won't say which one but evidently the hospital made a 'substantial income'. Having recently spent a week in hospital I'm totally jealous. I bet it made the time go a lot quicker!

I will leave you with a snippet from Derby, my home town. We have a university, just like Oxford and Cambridge. But no studies of comparable depth or importance. Derby University is offering a one year diploma course in artisan food, showing amongst other things how to bake bread and make cheese and pickle. One module even shows how to brew ale. Shakespearean studies, who needs 'em!

Wrinklies of the World Unite

Ken Clarke the Nottinghamshire MP returned to the Shadow Cabinet this week. He is a Tory (boo) and sixty eight years of age (hooray). Which set me thinking more than usual concerning getting old. Now I'm one of those people who read the obituaries daily. if you don't see your name there you're ok, at least for the time being. And I've began to realise how many of us old 'uns are about. (The average age of motorhomers is sixty three; I wonder what is the average age of bloggers.)

Few of us retire gracefully. World leaders are a case in point. They seldom let go of the reins, at least not willingly. Old Fidel (82) limps on, courtesy of his brother. Kim Jong il, (68) of North Korea also limps on, possibly by virtue of cardboard cutouts, and dear old Gadaffi will be seventy in three years time. And as for Mugabe (85 next month) he's going to outlast us all, given the chance.

Though bits fall off or shrivel up daily it may be that you are only as old as you feel. The entertainment world is interesting where ageism is concerned. Des O'Connor (77) fathered a child a year or two back yet is a youngster compared to Charlie Chaplin when he had his last child. And look at the number of show business personalities who swap old for new. Rod Stewart (64), and Bruce Forsyth (80) are cases in points whilst Ronnie Woods, a mere sixty one year old, of Rolling Stones fame seemed literally out of his mind in the company of a new young twenty year old female 'friend' when pictured recently. Plus its cost John Cleese (seventy this year) a lot of money to continually 'trade in' but it doesn't seem to stop him. Do old men 'adopt' a younger women for the intellectual stimulus they offer, I wonder. Answers on the back of a stamp, please. (I was in a pub last year. An old, deaf chappie regaled everyone within ear-shot, unintentionally, with a tale as to how his viagra, obtained on prescription from the doctor, only 'half worked'. We were quite aggrieved when he left us with the story incomplete.)

We all get old but are often surprised that our heroes also age. What have James Fox, David Frost, Trevor McDonald, Melvyn Bragg and Clive James in common? They will all be seventy this year.

Some stars fade from constant view and we seldom notice even after years of exposure. Bernard Cribbens (80), (Richard Briers (75), George Cole (83) Lionel Jeffries (82), Jimmy Savile (82), Molly Sugden (86) and Alan Whicker (83) are cases in point. Others seem to have been there from time immemorial and seemingly go on for ever. Examples include Ken Dodd (81), Jean Alexander (82), Liz Smith (83), Peter Sallis (88 next month, now noticeably non too mobile in Last of the Summer Wine), William Roach (76), Annette Crosby (75 next month), Rolf Harris (78), Dennis Norden (87 next month) and Barry Humphries (75 next month)

Some people are old and look it. Joan Rivers (75) might be funny but I don't think I'd like to see her first thing in the morning. But some carry their age well. My wife thinks Sean Connery (78) is marvellous but she's never seen him without his hairpiece. (Ok, ok, so I'm jealous.) Leslie Philips (84) is still a sex symbol to some, for goodness sake. And who would have thought Michael Caine anywhere near seventy five. Come to think of it Sophie Loren (74) and Joan Collins (75) always look well, though I suspect you would have to see them as they got out of bed (please!).

We are reluctant to leave our youth. Thus Bamber Gascoine (74) is, in our eyes, forever comparing University Challenge. We still view Wendy Craig (74) and Susan Hampshire (71) as if in the bloom of youth and Cliff and the Shadows are forever young. (Elvis would be seventy three had he lived, perish the thought.)

Incidentally Vince Cable is the same age as Cliff (68). I personally think Mr Cable is far superior to the young inexperienced twerp who replaced him as leader of the Liberal Democrats. Whose name incidentally I can seldom remember.

I also think Alan Bennett (74) is wonderful, David Bellamy (75) fascinating, Terry Wogan (70) funny and Michael Parkinson (73) is no doubt talented.

This blog initially was not intended as praise for wrinklies, far from it. But the more I think about it the more I think they still have much to offer. The young should respect their elders for there is much they can learn. I listen to the elderly and I respect them. But remember, the trick is not to knock about with them too much, for occasionally they do go on a bit!

Where Were You When it Happened?

The Armistices of Two World Wars are in the news this time of year and rightly so. There are people who will remember exactly where they were as they were announced, in 1918 and again in 1945. Even the second is not within my memory although I do remember VE Day celebrations quite vividly. Which set me thinking, how many events in life do we remember for whatever reason. Not the everyday events thrown at us on life's long journey, but those unique, special one offs never to be repeated. It would be easy to browse through an almanac of world events but that would be cheating. For if we have to look it up, so to speak, has it really been implanted forever on our hearts.
I remember as a child a teacher coming into a classroom (I can remember which particular classroom and the teacher's name, Mr Jones.) and announcing that a man called Gandhi had been killed. We did not know of a man called Gandhi, or for that matter where India was but the word assassinated intrigued.
How many remember where they were when John F Kennedy's assassination was announced. I was outside my grandmothers in Ockbrook, Derbyshire, tinkering with a vehicle when someone came outside to announce the news. Yet I am unsure as to which vehicle was involved. Surely I haven't imagined so important a moment in history? I certainly didn't imagine being told of Elvis's death whilst on holiday with the children in Chapel St Leonards, Lincolnshire. The whole campsite was full of the news for hours if not days; nothing much ever happens in Chapel. In fact this is one of the few memories of the place retained more than twenty four hours. (Though childhood memories of Chapel are positive if unexciting, at least in adult eyes.)
Being a retired person with nothing better to do I was idly watching the news at home when the events of 9/11 unfolded on the TV screen. Transfixed I watched for hours as the sheer horror and importance of the event became apparent. History in the making, who wouldn't remember for ever such an awesome event.

My wife and I sat in a garage on Harvey Road in Derby when the sensational, sad news was announced on the radio that Princess Diana had been killed in a road accident. I even remember where we were going, to Wirksworth to buy a dog grate for the fireplace and then on to Chesterfield. I am not a Royalist so why should this event be so firmly imprinted in my mind?

It is a fact now that almost any event in the world can now be reported at very short notice indeed. Tsunamis, plane crashes, wars, disasters in general blur into each other; we are so bombarded with the worlds terrors and tribulations. Is it that we are fascinated by the dramatic or the morbid, for many of our memories involve death and destruction.

When I was a schoolboy capital punishment was still the norm in this country. Some murderers were hanged. At eight in the morning in London, nine o'clock elsewhere I seem to remember. I, and some other schoolmates were undoubtedly morbidly fascinated, to the extent that we would knowingly glance at the clock if it were a nine o'clock 'happening'.

It is virtually impossible to escape world events almost as they happen. But why do some events burn into our psyche more than others. I don't remember where I was for instance, when it was announced that John Lennon had been shot. What do you remember? Put it another way, to paraphrase Hal David and Burt Bacharach's 1960's song, 'What's it all about, Alfie.'