Thursday, 24 November 2011


    It's been a bloody awful, painful week. I've had my fair share of pain in my life. Internal hemorrhages, TGA's, broken bones by the score but this took some beating. For pain, try a dose of  ****. So debilitating that a butterfly landing on your toe would induce excruciating pain to the point of not being too keen on living. I had to fech a doctor to the house, an almost unheard of occurence. And I missed a Derby County home match for the first time since March 1975. (Versus Luton Town, Derby won 5-0.)
    The annoying thing is, most people find **** funny. Say you have the dreaded Big C and everybody is profoundly sympathetic. (Having had a brush with skin cancer I know these things.) 'I'm bio polar' you announce and everyone is fascinated. (I'm not really.) 'How interesting' they say, 'Just like Stephen Fry, Tony Hancock and Spike Milligan.' Its seemingly always been with us from our earliest times. Only thenadays sufferers were called manic depressives. How bloody terrific! What I've got, **** doesn't seem to have another name. ****, short and simple but terribly amusing, ha ha ha.
    Presumably anyone with syphilis or gonorrhea may not always get the sympathy they deserve and need, some miserable sods suggesting it's in a way self inflicted. But my **** is not self inflicted unless you suggest its cause might be the beer, of which I drink too much, or the various foods I scoff. Mind you, cutting out things that cause **** is not easy. How many of the following do you eat. If any of the following, watch yourself! (Not necessarily equal in 'contributes to **** factor', but all 'dodgy' concerning **** in their own way.)

consume beans       kidney           ham                   salmon
mushrooms             brain              beef                  cod
spinach                   hot dogs - in fact all processed meats
cauliflower              pheasant        pork                   trout
                              liver               lamb                  scallops
anchovies               turkey            liver                   sardine
peas                       chicken          haddock            herring
lentils                      rabbit            mussels
legumes                  grouse           shrimp
asparagus               squirrel !        crab

    The only redeeming feature of **** is that its not for everyone. Not for the common people. Hippocrates  didn't call **** 'The disease of kings' for nothing. Its only for the rich and famous, you see. I suppose Henry VIII was the best known sufferer. George IV was also afflicted, alternating with his madness, poor chap. Plus King James I and Queen Anne, right pillars of the aristocracy. Not just royals either, both Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson were similarly plagued by the dreaded ****. Which would suggest that my dubious parentage, and the suggestion of coming from 'higher stock' is perhaps true after all. (See post dated 22nd September 2009 Will the Real You Please Stand Up.) And by the way, **** was featured in a health programme I watched this week so I must indeed have a topical complaint if nothing else. I learnt also that tofu is highly rated in dealing with ****. Had not heard of it, anyone know anything about tofu; any help greatfully received; just off to seek it out in my local Chinese supermarket. 
    Sorry for the bad mood and the bad language but that's Gout for you! (Just in case anyone had not realised it was the dreaded Gout that is causing me problems. in the ankle as well as the toe I might add.) Going for a lie down, as Reg Dixon used to say, 'I feel proper poorly'.
'A chronic condition caused by an uncontrolled metabolic disorder, hyperuricemia, which leads to the deposit of mono sodium urate (uric acid) crystals in tissues around the joint.'       .                  


the fly in the web said...

Yes, I thought it was gout.
How does tofu help?
Do you apply it to the afflicted part in a sort of compress?
Or do you produce it from under the obligatory bandage and pretend it is suppurating from your foot?
Hope it clears up though...horrible thing to have.

themajessty said...

I'm in awe - how is it possible that you can make a post about diseases interesting?


indu chhibber said...

My sympathies for your suffering.Tofu is cheese derived from soyabean milk.Does it help?

CWMartin said...

Hope you feel better soon, sir. I had a bro in law that used to get that all the time, to the point he lost feeling in one foot. His solution was simple- cut back the prodigious consumption of alcohol. Other people, including you, I expect, don't have it that easy.

Pauline said...

Tofu tastes so revolting it has to be good for you. I'd recommend applying it rather than eating it. My sympathies with the gout. I once spent 6 weeks on a yacht to Tonga, the skipper came down with gout after the second week and I'd rather forget the rest of the trip. Just watching his agony was bad enough but I needed him to handle the boat or at least be coherent enough to tell me what to do. Find the right drugs and you will be fine!!

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

How strange. My twelve year old was just wondering if she might have **** I've shown her the cartoon above and she has run away in terror!

Tofu? I slice it into bite-sized chunks, steam it to open the pores, marinate it in garlic, ginger and soy sauce (some of which are bound to be bad for gout) then either stirfry it or bake it in a casserole with root vegies.

Nota Bene said...

Oh! Sympathy...I've had a mild dose - the clue was in the pain in the big toe, right foot. Nearly fell off my seat when the doctor told me. No one mentioned tofu to me.

Andy said...

I tried rubbing my gout afflicted area with Tofu and it had no effect whatsoever.....

Try colchicine, it works for me but don't overdo it!

My sympathies, difficult to explain how excruciating the pain is to someone who has not had it.

I find red wine doesn't help but it makes me more relaxed about the pain!

Shammickite said...

I'm sending you my sincere sympathy. I'm not a **** sufferer (knock on wood) but I hear that it's excruciating pain. I'll be sure to keep away from all those ***-causing items in my diet from now on, especially the squirrel. I wonder if that meant fried or baked?

Freda said...

Sorry it has been a bad week, I know from a close friend how horrible this disease can be.

English Rider said...

Husband had several severe gout attacks. He has cut cheese down to no more than once a week (hard for a Frenchman) and stays away from pate, salami and other processed meats. He has also been forced to consider water as a beverage, rather than just something to wash in. No gout for a couple of years now. I hope you feel better and never have gout again.(Colchicine tablets and drinking lots and lots of water will help reduce current symptoms.)

Eddie Bluelights said...

Poor you, Ken.
At first I guessed it was PILES but then I noted too many letters LOL

Then I did guess GOUT. Boy I sympathise. That's one very painful condition. I thought I read it might be caused by too much wine. I'm not sure what is the cure but I do hope you get it 'licked' very soon. With all those forbidden foods there is not much left to enjoy. By rights I should be a gout sufferer with all the wrong food I ingest.

With my sympathy ~ Eddie

Star said...

So very sorry! Hope you're already feeling better.

GrumpyRN said...

Sympathies Ken, have seen some sore cases. Make sure you drink plenty water and take your Alipurinol and your anti-inflammatories.

quilterliz said...

G'day Ken. I have never had it, but knew someone years ago who suffered badly from it in the feet,to the point that he couldn't walk, had to crawl around and ended up in hospital. He was told not to eat tomatoes, something to do with the acid in them. Hope it clears up for you. Liz...

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks for all the sympathy. Much better this week.
totally tastless but a very highly rated food.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks for the cooking advice.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Andy and fly in the web. Are you pulling my leg? Mind you, you might as well rub it in tofu tastes very iffy.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Now going for testes etc. Life is never dull. Once again thanks to all for your interest. Isn't getting old fun!

Mickle in NZ said...

My dear Dad has developed it too. First he had to give up vegemite. Now he finds raw tomatoes and strawberries trigger the pain. We will be looking sat recipes o cok these over our (now) summer

I know it is excruiating as have experienced it too in the joint below my right big toe. A great big OWWWWWW. The only thing worser was cramp in my left leg's calf that refused to leave for over a day.

I hope that overall life is treating you kindly, and Mrs G.O.K. too,

michelle downunder in Wellington, NZ

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