Ouch.

    It's been a bloody awful, painful week. I've had my fair share of pain in my life. Internal hemorrhages, TGA's, broken bones by the score but this took some beating. For pain, try a dose of  ****. So debilitating that a butterfly landing on your toe would induce excruciating pain to the point of not being too keen on living. I had to fech a doctor to the house, an almost unheard of occurence. And I missed a Derby County home match for the first time since March 1975. (Versus Luton Town, Derby won 5-0.)
    The annoying thing is, most people find **** funny. Say you have the dreaded Big C and everybody is profoundly sympathetic. (Having had a brush with skin cancer I know these things.) 'I'm bio polar' you announce and everyone is fascinated. (I'm not really.) 'How interesting' they say, 'Just like Stephen Fry, Tony Hancock and Spike Milligan.' Its seemingly always been with us from our earliest times. Only thenadays sufferers were called manic depressives. How bloody terrific! What I've got, **** doesn't seem to have another name. ****, short and simple but terribly amusing, ha ha ha.

    Presumably anyone with syphilis or gonorrhea may not always get the sympathy they deserve and need, some miserable sods suggesting it's in a way self inflicted. But my **** is not self inflicted unless you suggest its cause might be the beer, of which I drink too much, or the various foods I scoff. Mind you, cutting out things that cause **** is not easy. How many of the following do you eat. If any of the following, watch yourself! (Not necessarily equal in 'contributes to **** factor', but all 'dodgy' concerning **** in their own way.)

consume beans       kidney           ham                   salmon

mushrooms             brain              beef                  cod

spinach                   hot dogs - in fact all processed meats

cauliflower              pheasant        pork                   trout

                              liver               lamb                  scallops

anchovies               turkey            liver                   sardine

peas                       chicken          haddock            herring

lentils                      rabbit            mussels

legumes                  grouse           shrimp

asparagus               squirrel !        crab

    The only redeeming feature of **** is that its not for everyone. Not for the common people. Hippocrates  didn't call **** 'The disease of kings' for nothing. Its only for the rich and famous, you see. I suppose Henry VIII was the best known sufferer. George IV was also afflicted, alternating with his madness, poor chap. Plus King James I and Queen Anne, right pillars of the aristocracy. Not just royals either, both Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson were similarly plagued by the dreaded ****. Which would suggest that my dubious parentage, and the suggestion of coming from 'higher stock' is perhaps true after all. (See post dated 22nd September 2009 Will the Real You Please Stand Up.) And by the way, **** was featured in a health programme I watched this week so I must indeed have a topical complaint if nothing else. I learnt also that tofu is highly rated in dealing with ****. Had not heard of it, anyone know anything about tofu; any help greatfully received; just off to seek it out in my local Chinese supermarket. 

    Sorry for the bad mood and the bad language but that's Gout for you! (Just in case anyone had not realised it was the dreaded Gout that is causing me problems. in the ankle as well as the toe I might add.) Going for a lie down, as Reg Dixon used to say, 'I feel proper poorly'.

                                             

                                           

'A chronic condition caused by an uncontrolled metabolic disorder, hyperuricemia, which leads to the deposit of mono sodium urate (uric acid) crystals in tissues around the joint.'       .                  

                              

Nutty November.Grumpy's Alternative News..

Where shall we start. Now there's supposed to be a recession, so let's talk money.

I notice pencils made from the Mary Rose timbers are for sale at £250 each; The Mary Rose Trust hopes to raise £50,000.

It was recently announced Buckingham Palace spent almost £100,000 cleaning chandeliers in one year and the first personal computer, Apple 1 was sold at Christies for £133,250. A casino owner in Macau bid £211,000 for two white truffles (weight 907 grams) and a rare 1872 stamp fetched £220,000 in an auction in Berlin. (Actually it was only half a stamp as they were in short supply at the time!) A collection of 450 London Transport posters from the 1920/30's fetched £233,000, again at Christies. Almost as much as a fireman fleeced from his workmates in a betting scam in Chelsea. (The actual amount was £250,000). The lyrics written by John Lennon on the back of a bill for £12 were expected to fetch £350,000 (the song was I'm Only Sleeping) and the Walther pistol used by James Bond in From Russia With Love fetched £277,250 at, where else, Christies.

Now for the real money.

A Canadian couple won £6.7 million in a national lottery and promptly gave 98% of it away, to churches and a hospital; nice, kind people, Canadians. And a 14.2 diamond called 'the perfect pink' fetched £15.000,000 in an auction in Christies, this time at their Hong Kong branch. But the sale of the month has to be the 18th century Qianlong-era ceramic vase found in an attic clearance in Ruislip, West London and sold in auction for £51,000,000. (Mind you, even that will be pocket money when the Blackburn Rovers Football Club's sale to Indian owner of 'Venky's Chickens' goes through.. £46,000,000 for starters, but much, much more to follow.) Recession, what recession!

Mind you, money is all right when you've got it. Not so funny for the man from Southend who left £80,000, his life savings in plastic bags on the roof of his car; he says he's 'gutted'. So is the German musician who left a £850,000 violin on a train. In this case he got it back, but he had to be treated by a doctor!

So what else was in the news. Four little animal stories.

Knut the polar bear in Berlin Zoo is suffering. He is being bullied by three females (polar bears, silly!) He now spends most of his time on a rock while the others snap at him and steal his food. Life must be 'unbearable'. Sorry! And again in Berlin Zoo, two male griffon vultures, Detlef and Guido have been forcibly separated and put with females (yes vultures) in the hope that they will mate. Which has upset some of the German community; the gay community to be precise. This has led to protests at the zoo gates. Nothing new in Germany. Five years ago a public petition prevented a pair of gay penguins at Bremerhaven Zoo from being split up.

Apple and Cider, turkeys, have been spared the Thanksgiving dinner table in the annual White House ceremony. Only this year they won't be going to Disneyland like their predecessors. Disneyland don't want any more Christmas turkeys. Shame on you, Disney, what's the world coming to! Not as lucky as three elephants rescued in Assam. Evidently Assam state has a serious elephant smuggling problem, they have lost over ninety in the last five years. I know they fetch over one million rupees, but how do you get a five and a half ton elephant through checkpoints set up to stop the smuggling of contraband?

Four idiots .

The official who decided a lady from Shaftsbury (Canadian passport) must take a citizen test. She has lived here for sixty four years. The surgeon who neglected the post-operative care of patients because he was too busy as chairman of the British Medical Association. Lewis Hamilton, fined for performing 'wheel spins' on a public road in Melbourne. What a role model, what an example to others! Nick Ginetta, car and truck salesman who thinks its clever to give away a free AK 47, the world's most notorious assault rifle with every sale. No wonder the USA has a gun problem.

And three who need closer supervision!

The council of the London Borough of Sutton has spent £3.2 million on its new street log benches. Unfortunately a faulty mechanism causes the benches to roll if anyone sits on them!

And talking of seats, an Indian co-pilot on an international jet flight accidentally knocked the control panel whilst adjusting his seat. He was so flustered he couldn't unlock the cabin door to let the captain, who had gone to the toilet, back in. The plane nosedived for 7000 feet before the captain regained entrance and control. (He had to wrestle the controls from the co-pilot.) At least the man in Berlin accidentally walling himself in his cellar was only in charge of a trowel. He was intending to seal up the cellar entrance but finished the job on the inside. It took him two days to get out.

And a couple of stories with a 'good feel' factor. A fourteen month old toddler fell out of a seventh floor window of a block of flats in Paris. he bounced off a cafe awning into the arms of a waiting doctor. He was unscathed and fell asleep within minutes. Normally the awning would have been retracted, the cafe being closed, but the mechanism wasn't working; a miracle indeed.

Britain's first dating agency for ugly people (theuglybugball.com) is celebrating its first engagement. Tom Clifford and Janice Walker met less than a month ago. Mr Clifford, described as 'Having a face that makes children cry' said, 'She's beautiful and I love her in every possible way.' Everyone say aah.!

Finally my 'Its all in the worst possible taste' section.
I see an Indian company, Gou Brands Private have developed an aftershave made with bovine urine. Plus Gauloka Peya is evidently a sugary soft drink laced with cow urine. They reckon its a threat to pepsi and coca-cola sales. Honest! Interesting place, India. I see they are increasing the pension of elderly eunuchs. Evidently they get a rough time of it when they are old. I see the Soil Association wants to overturn the ban on spreading human sewage on the land. (I remember it well in my youth.) Evidently we are short of phosphates and human sewerage is rich in the stuff. Why dispose of it, what a 'waste'. Sorry again!
Stephen Fry doesn't seem to like the ladies. he 'tweeted' that the only reason women slept with men was that 'sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship. Unlike Silvo Berlusconi who seemingly loves the ladies. The press reckons he has some lively parties at his private residences. He denies it of course but his case is not helped when he restores ancient statues in his office. Including one of Mars, now complete with a new penis. For some reason it has been announced the new parts are 'removable'.

The Erotica fair did well at Olympia in London. It seems some of the exhibitors could teach other businesses a thing or two in these austere times. A pair of lady blacksmiths from Wales switched careers making bondage equipment. Apparently a growing market, a 'spanking' good business to be in, one firm making bondage gear previously made bouncy castles!

Finally, finally.

A leading consultant plastic surgeon is being threatened with a libel action after suggesting 'Boob Job' cream, (for sale in John Lewis etc cost £125 for a 100ml pot) is likely to be ineffective. (The claim is for a 8.4% increase). The reason this caught my eye was the incident in a Jersey Co-operative supermarket where a customer was overcharged by £5. Evidently the assistant's seat was too low, causing her breasts to rest on the scales! The shop assistant was apparently mortified. The £5 excess intrigues me; I make no further comment. Feel free to suggest an 'inappropriate' headline!