Sunday, 4 July 2010

Jolly Old June

Did no one notice May's Alternative News never materialised due to Grumpy's dodgy health in the not so merry month of May. No such problem in June, so what caught the eye.
As usual, the animal kingdom was in the news. A rare shrew was returned home to the Isles of Scilly after stowing away on the ferry to Cornwell. And a chihuahua called Conchita is at the centre of a law suite in Miami. Its owner, Gail Posner left it £10,000 a month in her will, to include, amongst other things, manicures, pedicures and cashmere pyjamas. Ms Posner's son is not amused. Plus zoo workers in charge of pregnant pandas sent back to the Research Centre in Sichuan, China to breed are really taking the job seriously. Those involved will disguise themselves as pandas 'By donning a black and white fur coat and crawling on the ground.' The mind boggles. Nevertheless they are luckier than the eight foxes and fifty chameleons found in extremely large suitcases of a passenger at Cairo Airport bound for Thailand. At least they were alive, which was more than could be said for the the tiger, rare birds and lemurs found in the freezer of a man in Coventry. Some of which, incidentally, were bought on eBay. They reckon Knut the polar bear at Berlin Zoo has psychological problems, minor compared with the two idiots just mentioned. To end this section on a more hopeful note, how about Oscar the two year old cat who has been fitted with bionic legs after a combine harvester accident in Jersey. Good luck, Oscar, I hope you go from strength to strength.
I see Lord Freud, the minister for social reform has come up with a scheme whereby grandparents mentor teenagers and help them 'Navigate the adult world', a policy now officially adopted in David Cameron's 'Big Society' strategy. Are these people real. What do they think grandparents do all their lives, drink tea and watch Jeremy Kyle! Did you notice, by the way, a US study suggests drinking more than four cups of tea a day increases the risk of rheumatoid arthritis. Mind you, even they, Georgetown University suggest more studies are needed.
Talking of oldies, did you know 'Tears' by Ken Dodd was the biggest selling record of the sixties after 'She Loves You' and 'I Want to Hold Your Hand'. Eat your heart out, Tom Jones, Cliff and The Rolling Stones. Plus Doddy is still touring at the age of eighty two with his Happiness Show.
On a macabre note, do you fancy your body going on display, courtesy of Dr von Hagens who has become infamous for displaying treated corpses on public display in tableau's depicting corpses running, playing chess and other less mentionable occupations. Plus his attached supermarket has body parts for sale: a smoker's lung, £3,600, a head and brain slice, £1,500 0r a testicle for a mere £360. Ideal presents for those who have everything. Or perhaps for someone you don't like!
June had so much to offer I will do a follow up concerning ten things that made me smile. But I'll leave you with one or two 'shorties' that caught the eye.
I noticed that Sir Randulph Fiennes, the explorer is regularly mixed up, where officialdom is concerned, ie speeding tickets with Hollywood actor Ralph Fiennes. On a par with the Australian Parliament House gift shop that was selling mugs marked 'Barrack' Obama. Get it right lads. (Barack of course.)
I noticed the American military have ditched Velcro and returned to the humble button. Evidently the fine sand in Iraq and Afghanistan plays havoc with Velcro. So much for the 21st century progress.
And finally one for the ladies. How much do you spend on shoes, my dears. The website reckons girls purchase their first pair at fourteen and buy seven pairs a year for the rest of their lives. It is suggested the average woman has nineteen pairs of shoes, worth £664.81 in her wardrobe. And the cost over a lifetime? £16,000! No wonder many a man wears clothes reminiscent of Worzel Gummidge. It's all he can afford!


ADDY said...

Hope you are much better now.

GrumpyRN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GrumpyRN said...

Oops! Sorry, accidently deleted the comment - getting old. Here it is again.

Very interesting Ken, where do find such stuff?
Did not notice that Mays' news was missing but appreciate you had other things to concern you at the time.
Now, more importantly. When are you going down to the pub?

Keep well.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that you are keeping up with all the latest 'news' Ken.
There are so many loonies in charge of the asylum aren't there?

Can't imagine how men dressed in Panda suits can help male Pandas to do their duty and as for the Freud chappie...'get a proper job or go and mentor some yobboes if you are so concerned. Speaking as an oldie myself I would rather stick pins in my eyes.

Hope you are feeling much better...I certainly am after that rant.

Sueann said...

Thanks for updating me!!
Ha!! Great news articles!

Akelamalu said...

What a chatty post! :)

I have to admit to being one of those women addicted to shoes. ;)

Valerie said...

I read about the birds and lemurs bought on eBay. Sometimes I despair of modern society.
Off now to count how many pairs of shoes are in the cupboard.

Shammickite said...

I can't possibly have that many pairs of shoes, can I?

Dumdad said...

Ken Dodd! Still going strong, eh? I've always admired his energy and humour. I don't always think he's funny but he's a consummate performer and obviously loves the audience and what he's doing. Apparently, his shows often run over because everyone's having such a good time he hates to stop!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

This is a great way to catch up with the news without having to trawl through the papers - you find the best bits Ken. Did notice there was no May news but thought maybe you were having a "senior moment". Hope you are feeling better now Ken.

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

hummmm...the panda story leaves me scratching my head....very interesting stories- how do you find all of them?

Shammickite said...

Ken Dodd! Are you tickled, missus? And didn't he do something weird to his hair so that it stood straight up on his head?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks, seem to be ok!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I reckon were both passed our sell by date re computing, though you are definitelt better than me. all news from the Times!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks, we oldies must stick together!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Glad you liked it, the world gets dafter!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks, what is it about women and shoes!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I bet you have more than ten pairs!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Go and count them, bet you have double figures!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I have been to his shows, excellent but my children etc hate him. Bruce Forsyth is about the same age, I can't stand him!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks, seem to be ok, must be, still churning out rubbish!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Believe it or not, they are all out of The Times!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

If you see Kenn Dodd close up he's not a pretty sight. Still going though, and his memory is terrific.
I still do bottom of the barrel public speaking and as yet have not had a senior moment on stage. Yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast!

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