Monday 22 February 2010

Silly Granddad's 'Pubbin' it Again.

Someone said I'm not thoughtful where the wife's concerned. I don't know where that idea came from. Only last night I said to her, 'Put yer coat on.'
'Why, are you taking me out?' she said.
'No, I'm going to the pub and I'm turning the heat down.' Now if that's not thoughtful I don't know what is.
They were all there, Davey, Harry, One armed Wally plus Wally's lad, Montmerency. Bit modern for us old uns were Montmerency.
Mind you, he bought a round, that's got to be a first for our group.
'He's right with it' I said to Wally whilst he were at the bar, 'and how longs he had an ear ring?'
'Ever since his missus found it in the bed' said Wally.
He had a right strange haircut 'an all.
'Same haircut as Beckham' said Wally proudly.
''Go on,' I said, 'nothing like Beckhams.'
'It would be if Stan the belching barber in the Arcade cut it' said Wally.
Montmerency came back with the drinks. I could see by his face he'd met Cyril the landlord. Bit of a joker is Cyril, especially with newcomers.
'Told me he'd had Georgia, Cambria, Arial and Frank Ruehi in earlier. Said he wouldn't serve them because they weren't the right type for this pub.' .
'An he said he'd refused to serve a gypsy 'cause he didn't take travellers cheques.'
Poor old Monty, not up to Cyril's humour.
Mind you, you need a laugh when Old Davey's around. He never seems to have much luck.
'I've not been very well,'' he said, 'been seeing red spots before my eyes.'
I were quite concerned.
'Have you seen a doctor' I said.
'No, only red spots ' he said.
'Im and his wife's been doing some landscaping in his garden. He rang up Yellow Pages.
'I want a skip outside my house' he said.
'I'm not stopping you' a voice said and put the phone down.
They cut a tree down between them. It fell on his missus, damaging her left leg and left arm. She's all right now.
Davey had some funny phone calls. He rang up the phone company to report a nuisance call. When he got through they said 'Not you again.'
He bought a crystal ball to cheer his wife up. When he got it home it were broke. I reckon they saw him coming.
Harry were reading the pub paper. Not the Metro like any normal pub. Billy's Weekly Liar it were called. One headline read 'Man kicked to death by spiders' and another 'Unconscious skeleton found on beach.' It's not one for serious reading is Billy's Weekly Liar.
There were a piece about a plane crash on a cemetery in Ireland. They reckoned one thousand, three hundred and seventy eight bodies had been recovered so far. Another headline caught the eye. Evidently this highly dangerous midget fortune teller had head butted a guard in the privates and was on the run from prison. It brought tears to the eyes. 'Small Medium at Large' it said. Very succinct.
I didn't stay as long as usual. I had a sore throat and I didn't feel over well. I called in the late night chemists. Lovely little thing behind the counter. Hair right down her back. None on her head, just down her back. Bright red dress and strings of beads. Quite perked me up.
'Don't feel well, can you make me something up' I said.
'The Queen's just been in here for some cough mixture' she said. My, there's no flies on her, only beads.
'I knew I could count on you' I said.
The wife weren't in too good a mood when I got home. I think she were cold!
I knew I'd have to be careful if were to avoid trouble.
'Would you like to go shopping tomorrow, my dear, I'm sure there's something you'd like' I offered.
'Well I need a new bra for a start' she said.
'You've nothing to put in it' I muttered under my breath.
Crikey, she's got ears like a hawk.
'Well it doesn't stop you wearing underpants' she hissed. By the heck, she's sharp.
'Let's go to bed, my sweet' I suggested. But she were having non of that either.
'You were so romantic when you were young' she moaned,' you don't call out my name on the odd occasions we make love any more.'
'Well, I don't like to wake you' I thought, only this time I kept it to myself. I know when I'm beat! As George used to say, 'Evening all.
(If its not to your taste and all else fails, treat yourself and watch George for a few minutes. Happy days.)


the fly in the web said...

It was to my taste, but I still watched George.
Oh the nostalgia for the days of fitting up mental defectives and the physical persuasion to admit that it was 'a good cop, guv'...
However, not too sure that it is much better now when things have gone the other way.

Dumdad said...

Encore, encore!

The oldies are the goldies:

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother-in-law is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

I bought my MIL a chair for Christmas, but she wouldn't plug it in.

My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."

Boom, boom!

Sueann said...

I want to go to your pub!! And meet all these wondrous creatures I mean blokes. Now go and whisper sweet something something to your wife. It will make her day!

Robert said...

Good one, Ken. I read it out to the wife. I had to explain some of the gags - your writing is very intellectual, you know - but she found it all very funny and almost smiled once.

More of the same, please! :0)

Expat mum said...

Genius! Now I have to go and lie down!!!

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Excellent, as usual Ken but I had to read the one about the tree falling on the wife and damaging her left arm and leg, three times before the light dawned! Well it is late at night.

Lane Mathias said...

I like your pub! Certainly brightened my Monday (although technically it's now Tuesday:-)

Phoenix said...

Fantastic writing, Ken! My roommate is British so I'm gonna pass along this blog to him - I'm sure he'd laugh his arse off ;)

Have a wonderful (pub-filled?) day!

Kath said...

You are a caution, our Ken :D

cheshire wife said...

You certainly know how to tell them Ken!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Fly in the web
I didn't realise how slow Dock green was until I watched it again.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Terrible, aren't they, but still funny!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Youre a real romantic!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I've been called some things but never intellectual! I'm fascinated by your explaining the jokes to your wife. I have no real conception as to your problems. i find it very humbling, you are a star in your own way. If its not too personal I'd love you to explain, simply what a person in your wife's position actually perceives.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Expat mum
Lie down, we're not that far gone, or are we!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

You've no idea how slow I am re taking things in on a bad day!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

I have gone all this week being one day out. Talk about losing it!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Love to know what he thought. Do you use the wornd 'corny' over there?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks Bob, also thanks for the visit.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

cheshire wife
Bit corny , aren't they!

Jeanne Estridge said...

Those were truly dreadful.

Thank you!