Monday, 22 December 2008

We're Not Daft, Honest.

There's a saying in Derbyshire, 'Strong in the arm, weak in the head' but I'm having none of it. We may give the impression of straw chewing yokels at times but that's a deliberate, cunning ploy to put you cleverer brain boxes off guard. Make no mistake, we Derbonians are far from stupid.
I know I've erred in the past but I've admitted it. There must be hundreds of people who have gone to town on their bike and come home on the bus. Go on then, dozens; several; half a dozen; anybody else?
Left your library books on the roof of your car whilst you unlocked it and then drove off? Nobody? I don't believe you. Anyway ,that was all a long time ago.
So I put my hands up the contraceptive machine opening in an hotel toilet in mistake for the hand dryer. I can't help being short sighted and it gave the young lad standing at the urinal a laugh. If our short stay on earth gives someone a smile surely we've done some good; anyway, that was months ago.
We've all grown up now and are well into this modern technological age. And we Derbonians can compete with the rest of you, senior citizens though we may well be. On line auctions did I hear you say. Alright, so we bought a digital camera in an on line auction, pressed the wrong buttons and finished up with three. I'm sure anyone could make the same mistake. And that's partly what life is about, learning from your mistakes.
So I consider we, my wife and I are now experienced, sophisticated twenty first century citizens more than capable of dealing with all that modern living can thrust at us.
Christmas is nearly here. We are spending it quietly at home, just the two of us, by choice, in our dotage. The minimum of food necessitating the minimum of fuss. My wife has carefully listed the necessary vegetables, easily obtained at the last minute. And left to me the turkey would have been bought the same way. Only my wife still remembers the Christmas we forgot to defrost the turkey until Christmas Eve. Trying to find a fresh version at eight o'clock on Christmas Eve is not easy, I can tell you. Which was slightly better than the time we left the Christmas chicken on the kitchen table to defrost and the cat thought it was Christmas and its birthday rolled into one. Mind you, the bits that it left were ok. Come on, I was a poor student at the time. It was either that or roasting the cat.
So on Sunday we visited Donington Market, on of the largest Sunday markets in the Midlands. The lorry selling meat was, as always doing a roaring trade. Very competitive prices; in fact very, very competitive prices. It's not true the beef has saddle marks on it if you look closely but I do wonder why the large difference between market and shop price; ours is not to reason why.
As it happens we were later in the afternoon than normal and all the fresh turkeys were gone. In fact all the turkeys were gone except for one lone, forlorn individual. But no matter, we only wanted one and weighing 8-6 seemed ok to us. (Our daughter suggested we take some of our left over turkey when we visit her on Boxing Day. Good move, who says today's young are remotely daft.) Pleased with our purchase we made our way back through the mud to our motorhome. To be honest I was glad when we got there. It was further than I thought and I was becoming well aware that I was not the spring chicken, carrying a Christmas turkey, (ha!) I used to be. Years ago I would have carried double the weight with half the problem.
I ought to have cottoned on, so to speak when we couldn't find a plate big enough on which to put our turkey. Plus, horror of horrors, an oven practice suggested our turkey was going to necessitate at best, removing all shelves, at worst, decapitation. It was slowly dawning there was a problem. And if the problem was obvious to twenty first century man it was not to twentieth century dinosaurs. How were we to know 8-6 was not 8lbs 6ounces but 8-6 kilos; by my reckoning, nearer twenty pounds than nineteen. Why the hell did we ever go metric. Its now defrosting in the outhouse; anyone for Christmas dinner. Oh. and evidently we can forget the after Christmas sales; our daughter says we're banned.


Anonymous said...

Your cat and the chicken made me laugh!

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Hello Ken! I enjoyed my first foray into your grumpy old world. Amusingly written with some healthy self-mockery. I studied the photo of your wife with the big turkey and as man to man I think I can give you a big hint as to what to buy her for Xmas! Some new slippers begorrah because one of her current slippers has a big toe hole - probably caused by overmuch kicking of your ass! If you do buy the slippers you will win many brownie points if - and this is a BIG IF - you can find out her size! Ask your daughter - she'll know!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New yeat 2009! Be back more in the New Year when things have calmed down... :)

Mad Asthmatic said...

turkey sandwiches on the menu for much of january me thinks! Sheer bliss, I just love turkey, any spare send it down to wiltshire.

Merry Christmas to you and your wife.

Stinking Billy said...

ken, you didn't really finish up with three digital cameras, you are just saying that because you know I would love one - if only I knew what to ask for and how to operate it?

Helen said...

What a truly wonderful amusing read your blog is. I've been meaning to pay you a return 'visit' for some time now. So there you are I've done it, I'd never heard the term Derbonian before. I once took our local undeground i.e. the Metro and travelled 10 stops before remembering that I'd driven into Newcastle to work that a.m. Once I remembered this I had to then try to recall at which Metro station parking area I had actually left it and this long before my brain became stroke affected and I was still working as an extremely efficient Administrator/co-ordinator/organiser!!!

Anonymous said...

I can just picture it... forgive my laughter! My home town is Burton On Trent, people are not stupid there either...

Daphne said...

I've always bought our turkey on the 23rd before but I couldn't yesterday as I was at a panto in Middlesbrough (oh yes I was!) And today the only ones left were either Sparrow or Ostrich. I have opted for Ostrich. Thank you for your comment on my blog: I enjoyed your July 10th jokes too!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

He was the biggest cat I ever saw. I think the gamekeeper got him in the end.
Well spotted! I didn't get where i am today by spending on slippers' (My daughter hates that' I didn't ---.
And the same to you.
And again, good luck in the new year.
The technology is much more simple than it used to be. If I can work one, anyone can. some crackers around £70 nowadays.
Thanks for the kind words. I may be wrong re Derbonian but couldn't find anything else.
I'm unsure how the old TGA affects me but it gets the blame for everything.(see blogs 18th May and 9th June)
Mutley the Dog

I like Burton. The smell of hops though not so much nowadays. Watch their football team, Nigels going places.
Thanks. brian Clough came from Middlesborough and there's a road here named after him.

Thanks everyone. Happy Christmas

VioletSky said...

Hope I'm not too late for sending along Christmas greetings to you and your long suffering wife!!

Anonymous said...

When I was little I remember the whole town smelled of hops... and the brewery trains and the smoke and steam...

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks. Hope you had a good time. Roll on the New Year.
Miss homebrewing, my wife used to play hell about the hop smell. There's nothing in life remotely like it.

Anonymous said...