Grumpy's Alternative News June

It's been a right old time for bodies. Not long ago a couple were distributing body parts all over the country in a bid to avoid detection of a murder. Recently a body was discovered in a green wheelie bin. It had apparently been there for three weeks with a foot sticking out of the top. The dustbin men (sorry refuse collectors) said they don't empty bins unless the bin is on the pavement. This one apparently was still on the driveway That's all right then!

And blow me, another leg has turned up on farmland in Hertfordshire. (No, not connected to the other two cases, silly. Unless the first case was Jake the Peg.) The police reported this last leg was thought to be 'from a white or Asian male'. Only one or the other, how strange. As a matter of interest, I wonder how difficult it is to identify a single leg as male or female. It would certainly not have been easy had it belonged to some of my female acquaintances in my younger days!

Our police are on the whole pretty good but even they have their moments. The new Met Police Commissioner joined his men in a pre-dawn, high publicity raid to arrest a gang of burglars. The press were there, eighty police including riot squad officers, taser stun guns, helicopter, the lot. Only when they broke into a house, it was empty. Their suspect was already in custody and no one had informed the Commissioner. Oh well, you can't win them all!

Mind you, our police are often superior to their New York counterparts. A man lay dead inside a van for weeks as parking tickets piled up on the windscreen. So much for tinted windows. Of any case the New York police have a policy of not searching parked vehicles.

A little sideline. The suspect in the 'bin body' was arrested in Malta. Evidently Portsmouth has been dubbed 'the new Malta' in a Southern Rail poster campaign. A bit tongue in cheek, Boris Johnson described Portsmouth as 'one of the most depressing towns in southern England.' Perhaps why our suspect went to the real place instead of Portsmouth.

Luckiest couple of the month were the pair who won £25 million on the EuroMillion lottery. He, the husband says he's going to use part of the money to get professional advice as to how to grow better carrots on his allotment.

Unluckiest was the Israeli women whose children threw away her old mattress and replaced it with a new one. The old mattress contained her life savings, nearly one million US dollars. They are still searching local landfill sites.

Even more unlucky was the tourist killed by a shark in the Red Sea. Bad publicity for the tourist industry. I suspect the environment official had this in mind when he tried to minimise the seriousness of the situation. 'This very rarely happens. It seems the victim aggravated the shark or presented it with food.' Well done, sir, that certainly helps!

Saddest individual of the month was perhaps the arts therapist who swore at patients, smoked cannabis, fell asleep during sessions and suggested that patients take advantage of 'unlimited sex'. Not surprisingly he was struck off as these were only some of his misdemeanours.

Equally foolish was the vicar who sent salacious text messages to a teenage girl. Evidently he was under strain. I wonder if being sacked makes it worse. But the saddest for me was the Mafia boss who burst into tears in front of the parole board saying 'I'm really depressed and I can't take prison any more.' All together now, all say 'aaah'. A Mafia boss, I ask you. He has now been transferred to house arrest.

So there you have it. A mite bit depressing but nothing political. I leave you with two more snippets. A new NHS unit in Ilkeston, Derbyshire is playing Beatles music to help dementia patients. What would be your choice? Finally, it has been revealed one in three organ recipients believe he or she takes on some aspect of the personality of the donor. Some report strong psychological connections. With this in mind whose bits would you like. And please keep it clean!

On Being Sixty

1948 and a world not without problems. The State of Israel was proclaimed and British troops withdrew. The Soviets blockaded Berlin, air lifts saved the population from starving. British troops left India and Mohatmas Gandhi was assassinated. Malaya experienced emergencies and Britain dock strikes.
Also at home the National Health Service arrived, free health care 'from cradle to grave'. British Railways and the Gas Board were nationalised and the GCE replaced the School Certificate. Other new arrivals included the transistor, self service stores, Alcoholics Anonymous and Oxfam shops. Plus Mrs Dales Diary, very British and 45rpm records, very modern.
The radio, or wireless as it was more likely to be referred to regaled us with A Slow Boat to China and Buttons and Bows. Picturegoers were offered Scott of The Antarctic and Oliver Twist. Norman Wisdom amused at the London Casino and Laurence Olivier starred as Hamlet on the London stage.
The London Olympics was the biggest occasion of the year, minus German or Japanese contestants. The USA dominated, the suspicion was they were steak fed whilst Movitone News reported that over two million people in Britain were eating horse meat purporting to be steak.
Hard times still prevailed and the Black Market thrived, eggs one shilling each, milk one shilling a pint; even nylons available at a price. The word spiv was still prevalant though the first rationing restriction, that of flour was lifted. But coupons were still the order of the day, even for shoes and clothes.
Sport lifted the spirits. Twelve year old LesterPiggott won his first race, at Haydock Park on 'The Chase' and Don Bradman beat England seemingly on his own. At least he didn't advertise Brylcreem like his English adversary, Dennis Compton. Plus Wilf Mannion of Middlesborough Football club refusing to play for the maximum players wage of £12 weekly.
Hard times in the main but life went on. And in Chesterfield, Derbyshire, Mr Peter Sherwood and his wife Francoise celebrated the birth of their second child on the 24th May, calling her Paulette Dorothy.
Fast forward sixty years. A family celebration was called for. On a cold, windy night, the 24th of May, 2008 just over thirty people, friends and family including four children celebrated the birthday of Paulette Dorothy Stevens, nee Sherwood at a low key, laid back barbecue in a daughters garden. The children bouncy castled and karaoked, the adults chatted, ate and drank, all ad infinitum. The mix of people, family style, 2008 was interesting if of no scientific value whatsoever.
Two were Maltese, one Latvian, one French, one Irish and last but not least one Welsh born, the rest boringly English. Inevitably at such an occasion few are now in full time employment. Of the eleven still so engaged and paying taxes so that the rest of us can live comfortably (joke) no fewer than seven are self employed. Including those retired the following occupations were represented. Seven had been schoolteachers, not one still working full time. Managers, civil servants, postman, chemist, photography, publican, all were represented. Some roles exciting, some less so. And in their spare time individuals who excel in pastimes unconnected to their employment; two excellent musicians, a 'twitcher' of national renown, even a self taught tree surgeon, talent is often there if we care to enquire.
Thirty plus individuals, the children with years in front of them and some of us with the problems that come with age. Two present are over eighty years of age. Six are diabetic and at least five have had surgery for cancer. Arthritis affects at least six of us and the number taking regular medication for one ailment or another is into double figures.
The common denominator, Paulette and an appreciation well deserved. And a good time was had by all.