I Cannot Tell a Lie.

Bruce Burgess carries out the lie detector tests on The Jeremy Kyle Show. He recently received a suspended jail sentence for lying regarding the driving of his car when involved in a speeding offence. Which got me thinking about lying in general. (And the title of Kyle's new book? 'I'm Only Being Honest'. Honest!)

Lie. A false statement or piece of information deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.

And there seems to be a lot of it about.

Many Members of Parliament have been found guilty of lying, there's no other word for it, to gain extra cash to add to their not inconsiderable salaries, perks and pensions. Some Irish Catholic priests have been found to be living sordid perverted lives, a lying existence that must be horrific to live with. Footballers cheat in all sorts of ways and indignantly deny their lies when presented with the evidence. Cheats, and cheating involves lying and goes on at all levels. Perhaps it has always been so. A common response by some, though not all schoolchildren when accused of misdemeanours is 'Prove it.' Note, not 'I didn't do it' but simply 'prove it.'

I once gave evidence in court. I could not believe the lies told by one particular witness under oath. Boy, was I naive. There is no doubt many perjure themselves in British Courts on a daily basis, seldom found out. Perhaps they are thinking in terms of 'white lies'.

White lie. Minor lies which could be considered to be harmless or even beneficial in the long term. Maybe there is such a thing. I try not to lie. (see blog dated 29th June 2008 Tell a Lie and Find the Truth. Spanish Proverb.) But maybe, just maybe white lies are acceptable.

Our American friends have the heart lifting story of George to put them on the straight and narrow should they wish to stray from the truth. Boy George, not the English Boy George, silly, became the proud owner of a brand new hatchet. He used it to cut down father's favourite cherry tree. Father was not best pleased. 'Did you do that, son?' asked father. George thought of lying, but he was a well brought up child. Plus the chopper was sticking out from under his vest. His answer is well documented. 'I cannot tell a lie. I did cut it with my hatchet.'

'Well done, George' said father. George, George Washington that is, went on to become the American President.

Less well known is the story of Tony, a mischievous boy brought up in the wilds of northern England. Left to his own devices one day, he thought it great fun to push the family privy into the nearby river. (All northern families have privies to this day, a fact seldom mentioned in polite circles.) The family were not amused, there were cross words and crossed legs. 'Did you do that, our Tony?' asked dad sternly but kindly. Tony did think of saying 'prove it,' but it were a long time ago. Plus he thought of George Washington, telling the truth hadn't done him any harm, and he finished up in politics.

'Yes dad, it were me' said Tony proudly. And his dad gave him a right good hiding. Poor Tony howled and enquired, with tears running down his ruddy red cheeks, 'What did you do that for? George didn't get a good hiding.'

'Very true,' said dad, 'but there again George's dad wasn't up the cherry tree!'

But the incident taught young Tony one thing. Sometimes it pays to be economical with the truth. I wonder whatever happened to him.

Knowledge comes but Wisdom Lingers

The Mail on Sunday gave away a free interactive Pub Quiz CD this week. Not the world's most intellectual offering but what does one expect from the Mail. That said there has been interest in quizzes for as long as I can remember and the Mail reflects this fact.

The quiz itself, though no doubt harmless, is cringingly banal at times, no doubt reflecting the Mail readership or perhaps even the British psyche. 'Please choose your teams name.' Choice includes the Mushy Peas, the Bitter Shandies and the Pork Scratchings. Does that really reflect pub team names or is the Mail trying to be funny or merely patronising. (The pub teams I know either have names simple beyond belief, for example, Two by Two or Sisters in Crime, alternatively some chose obscure names, for instance The Last Dials. the latter hopefully suggesting a team of brainboxes with a strange nom de plume, the origin of which is known only to themselves.

The Mail's questions vary in intensity from simply inane to quite taxing but the appeal is there and no doubt provide an escape from television trivia pouring from our screens. Plus the pattern is modern; multi choice questions so loved by modern examinations set the pattern. (Do the public realise multi choice exams cut down a teachers marking massively, thus their popularity in the academic world, its tick, tick, tick and the jobs done, or as my favourite uncle used to say, 'Bobs your uncle.' He wasn't actually called Bob but for five points, where did the saying come from?)

Three examples from the Mails offering.
Robert De Nero directed which film.
a The Good Shepherd b About a Boy c Frankenstein d Backdraft.
Lake Baikal, the oldest and deepest lake in the world is situated where?
a Africa b Siberia c China d Turkey.
Patsi Kensits second husband is a member of which band?
a Oasis b Simple Minds c Petshop Boys d Tears for Fears.
(See what I mean about the banality of the Mails questions!)
The earliest form of quiz I personally remember was sitting the Eleven Plus. (Quiz-To test the knowledge of by posing questions.) I still remember two of the questions.
George Washington was born, married and died in the house he built himself. Which one is incorrect?
Yesterday, today was tomorrow. True or false?
What exactly did right answers prove? I suppose they had some merit, though you had a one in three chance of getting them right anyway. Plus knowledge for its own sake seems pretty pointless. Alfred Lord Tennyson was a cut above all of us and he put it so well. 'Knowledge comes but wisdom lingers.' There again I bet he was useless in pub quizzes. But I digress plus it wouldn't do for this blog to appear in any way intellectual!

In the non too distant past I was involved in setting quizzes to improve school moral. Teachers can be very competitive, sometimes to a questionable degree; they just love to win. I suppose that's why many become teachers, to be in charge and show how clever they are. Pub quiz teams have more than their fair share of teachers and it shows. Though they don't always win. Many pub quiz members 'swot up' all week prior to a quiz. How 'anoraky' is that!
For the less serious the easiest solution is a simple true or false format. At least you've got a fifty fifty chance of getting it right! Try the following for size. I set it many years ago when my brain powers were at their height!

Simply True or False
1 The 'Real McCoy' was a boxer in the 1890's and 1900's.
2 Turtles have no teeth.
3 Cat gut comes from cats.
4 If you were born on the 29th October, your star sign is Libra.
5 Persian soldiers were paid with donkeys in 1900
6 The Lily of the Valley is the National flower of Norway.
7 The Great Wall of China took 1700 years to build.
8 Aphrodite is the Roman goddess of love.
9 The first mechanical clock had no hands.
10 Mary Stuart became Queen of Scotland at six months.
11 The clock above the leading article in The Times always shows 5.30.
12 Charlotte was the youngest of the Bronte sisters.
13 The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long.
14 Originally the yo-yo was a Filipino jungle weapon.
15 Teddy bears were named after Theodore Roosevelt.
16 Dogs sweat through their paws.
17 Queen Elizabeth the Second was born at 17 bruton Street, London.
18 The wren is Britain's smallest bird.
19 "I shall hear in heaven" were the last words of Mozart.
20 A number of goats is called a tribe.
21 Bloomers are named after an American lady, a Mrs Bloomer.
22 And the Bowler Hat is named after an Englishman, Mr Bowler.
23 Roger Rabbit's wife is called Jessica.
24 And Andy Capp's wife is called Mo.
25 A walking camel lifts both feet on one side at the same time.

Finally I came across this quiz in an old book I bought in the Alnwick Railway Station bookshop. The quiz is at least eighty years old I suspect. Treat with care, they were just as clever as we are all those years ago. The only difference was, they didn't shout as loud.

A Very Simple Quiz for Very Clever People.
1 How long did the Hundred Years’ war Last?
2 In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
3 In which country are Panama hats made?
4 From which country do we get Peruvian Balsam?
5 Which seabird has the zoological name Puffinus puffinus?
6 From which animal do we get catgut?
7 From which material are moleskin trousers made?
8 Where do Chinese gooseberries come from?
9 Louis the XVIII was the last one, but how many previous kings of France were called Louis?
10 What kind of creatures were the Canary Islands named after?
11 What was King George VI’s first name?
12 What colour is a purple finch?
13 In what season of the year does William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream take place?
14 What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
15 How long did the Thirty Year’s War last?

Anyone care for answers?

Tell a Lie and Find the Truth Spanish Proverb.

George was so pleased with his new hatchet he used it to cut down father's favourite cherry tree. Dad came across the fallen tree and he was not best pleased. He asked George who was responsible and he felt, as any child would that to lie was the best idea. Only George was a well brought up child and his answer is well documented. "I cannot tell a lie. I did cut it with my hatchet." Well done George, George Washington that is.

I too was, I reckon, a well brought up child. Influenced as a member of the Moravian Church, the one thing impressed on me was the difference between right and wrong. My religious convictions were never set in stone, so to speak, but I have never willingly lied, whatever the consequences. I find it difficult to comprehend how some lie so easily and so often. I was always taught as a child that Moravians are God fearing to the extent that they are exempt from having to swear on a Bible in a British court, though I have never seen this premise actually tested in a court of law. I do many bad things but lying is not one of them.

I passed down a road in the Peak District this weekend, at a place called Owler Bar. A road I vaguely recognised; then my connection to the place slowly dawned on me. Around forty years ago I travelled down this road in a minivan with three other people. A Sprite sports car passed us somewhat erratically, enough to ensure comment, not all favourable. Five minutes later and the sight that met our eyes was desperately unwelcome. The Sprite lay upside down on the road, wheels forlornly spinning, the soft top shredded, steam everywhere, the smell of petrol sinisterly threatening, the driver half in and half out of his pride and joy. Tragedy on a summer's afternoon.

We lifted the car to an upright position, for my companions, though young were fit and strong.

The driver, a young man in his twenties, though conscious, was seriously injured; obviously terminally so even to my inexperienced eyes. I could do little to help as we awaited professional help and Owler Bar is a lonely spot. I held his hand, feeling inadequate in the extreme. His words I had forgotten until this weekend. "I'm dying," he said, looking to me for reassurance.

I've never forgotten that young man or the experience of that afternoon, all those years ago.

Three weeks later I was subpoenaed to attend his inquest. I also bought another vehicle, a Mini Cooper, not my first choice, a sports car with a soft top. And I've never forgotten that young man's simple question. Would your answer have been my answer, I wonder.