Farewell Ffffreezing February. Grumpy's Alternative News.

So what did February bring?
I see the parliamentary idiots have learnt nothing from their recent disgraceful behaviour. Now there's a move to force two hundred of them them to pay a profits levy on the second houses they bought with taxpayers money. A move that the MP's are fighting with self righteous fervour. Plus they don't wish us to know about the £138,046 owed in unpaid food and drink bills in the House of Commons. What a sick shower.
Animals, now they're far more interesting. A woman was arrested at a Russian checkpoint with fifty lovebirds under her coat. Evidently they all woke up and were a bit noisy to say the least.
Ten hedgehogs in a Fife rescue centre have to go on a diet before they are released. They're been looked after so well they can no longer roll up into a ball when under threat.
A grey squirrel at Alton Towers is literally living 'the high life'. Nicknamed Sonic, he (or she) has been riding on the Sonic Spinball rollercoaster ride as it's been tested after a revamp. Definitely braver than me!

Plus dogs and cats in China can breathe a little easier. It is going to be illegal to eat either, those caught doing so face a 5,000 yuan (£450) fine and fifteen days in jail. Evidently dog meat is supposed to warm you up and is served with a sauce of ground coriander, spring onion, peanuts and sesame, price 38 yuan. (Who said they don't wish to know that!)
By the way, a team at Bristol University have decided that cat owners are more likely to have a degree than dog owners. (Perhaps because cats, being brighter than dogs choose more intelligent owners.) I often wondered what education spent my taxes on, now I know.

Any drinkers out there? Do you agree with the Bishop of Aberdeen and Orkney who says that the monks of Buckfast Abbey should not be brewing a drink that is 15% proof. Evidently it is particularly popular in Scotland, known sometimes as 'bottle of beat the wife'. 'liquid speed' and 'wreck the hoose juice'.

I wonder what the Polish man who has just been jailed for drink driving was drinking. His level was the highest ever recorded in Britain. He was almost six times over the limit (191 micrograms per 100ml. Legal limit is 35.)

I see Marston's Brewery is on the ball. They suggested at a meeting lighter beer bottles would help their carbon footprint. (The chairman suggested the easiest way to make bottles lighter is to drink the contents!)

Congratulations to Amy Fearn, football referee who took over the Coca-Cola match, Coventry City versus Nottingham Forest, the first ever female to do so. I wonder if the Reverend Mark Oden of Kent noticed. He made the news by suggesting in his Valentine sermon that women should be more 'submissive' to their husbands. His views have had a mixed reception but interestingly enough he requested that the newspaper did not interview his wife.

Money, now there's a thing. And talking of money, the world's first postal order, serial number 000001, bought for one shilling in London in 1881 fetched £4,484 in an auction in Warwick. And Sir Stanley Matthews football boots used in the 1953 Cup Final fetched £38,400 in an auction in Chester. But the winner has to be a 22 inch meat dish taken to the Antiques Roadshow in Aberglasney, Carmarthenshire that turned out to be worth at least £100,000.

We do seem to collect as a nation. A recent survey gave us, in the main some fascinating if useless figures. The average Britain has some 3,370 cubic feet of clutter. On average 44% of the room in their homes is taken up by possessions. Comprising mainly of 'junk and clutter', followed by clothes, shoes, books, toys, exercise equipment, electrical equipment, magazines and papers. None of this information stopped the bidders at the Dr Who sale at Bonhams. A Cyberman fetched £9,600 whilst a Mk1 Imperial Dalek fetched a mere £20,000.

Dopiest of the month, two contenders. One, the artificial limbs specialist who fitted a new left foot to a gentleman in Astley Ainslie Hospital in Edinburgh. Unfortunately it was the right foot the patient was missing. To add insult to injury, the specialist never noticed his mistake on two later check ups. Beaten I reckon by the Arab ambassador to Dubai whose bride was not what he thought. On the few occasions they met before marriage she had worn a niquab. It turns out the bride was in fact cross eyed with facial hair. A bit of a shock when he lifted the veil to kiss her! (Mother had tricked him by substituting photographs of her more acceptable sister.) The marriage was annulled but he lost the £83,000 he spent on gifts for the bride.

And there you have it, good old February. What, no rude bits, did I hear someone ask. Oh go on then, the more refined of you stop reading now.

A university registrar offered bogus degrees in return for spanking sessions in a hotel. Very, very complicated, it was suggested it was a 'pain management study'. Prices, £500 for a 2.2 degree, £1,000 for a Masters with Distinction. I kid you not! The judge suggested he had been very naughty and he had now lost his job, his career, his professional reputation and his marriage. (And would he please stop smiling in court, it was not funny. Not true this bit.) I'm tempted to do a piece on the court proceedings but I'd better not. My wife says I'm getting too interested in this case so I'd better move swiftly on! Evidently someone in St Edmunds Hall (Oxford University) is vandalising the community condoms kept in the JCB welfare room. Some were found to have holes in them, a fact reported by a student from 'Teddy Hall' when using the condoms to make jelly ice cubes. How low can some people go!

Finally, are you fed up with reading about Ashley Cole and John Terry. What a pair! And what a pity they don't live in Wisconsin. A cheating man there got more than he bargained for. Four women (one was his wife) lured him to a motel and then glued his penis to his stomach! They each received a year's probation. I bet they thought it was well worth it!

There you have it, Good old February. Plus a little of my own town, Derby. A poll was organised to name a new road in the town, 89% were unanimous in their choice. We now have a road called Laura Croft Way! What do you reckon to that. (The Laura Croft computer game originates from Derby.) You couldn't make it up. Have a nice day.

Don't make a Hash, when disposing of Ash.

I'm not feeling morbid, honest but a family bereavement set me thinking. An old family friend died recently and his ashes were scattered at Filey. Evidently he spent much of his childhood there. Now I've nothing against Filey but it won't be my choice. Which begs the question, where would you choose.
I'm a lifelong Derby County fan and have a brick set in the floor outside the ground. It reads' The best of times, the worst of times.' (Dickens, Hard Times.) I have thought of Pride Park as a last resting place, somewhere near the penalty spot. Only the groundsmen go round at half time with garden forks and prod the ground. I don't fancy that one bit. How unsightly, bits of me on the end of a fork, on a windy day the possibilities are endless. I'm serious, honest.
The friend of a friend of mine died young. He had during his short life a love of Combe Martin in Devon. And what are friends for. His friends drove all the way down to Devon, urn between passengers feet for a last scattering of his ashes. Only Combe Martin beach is draughty at the best of times. A walk to the waves, lid off and whoosh, ash was everywhere. Mothers who had just bought their children ice creams were far from pleased, I can tell you. Funnily enough, Harry, the deceased would have found it hilarious. He was always one for a practical joke.
I was brought up a Moravian and attended a little chapel in the village of Ockbrook. In my school teaching days I once took a minibus of what was then called remedial children to the chapel in the hope of educating them. Several had never been out of the town, never mind inside a religious establishment. Only about fifteen minutes into a somewhat laid back trip one youngster presented me with a small quarter full container he had retrieved from under a seat at the back of the church come chapel. A container I doubt we would have ever seen again had it been of any value. It was of course an urn containing someones ashes, placed in a safe place, ready for a memorial service and scattering of ashes in a day or two's time. Only, as Jim Royal would say, 'safe place my a***.' Mind you, it didn't take us long to top up the urn. Remedial they might have been but never call the kids I taught daft. We had the urn topped up in minutes, no one ever realises how much dust there is in the world until you really look. Mixed well and full to the brim, the urn was hastily returned to its original resting place. Well done lads. It was only on the way home that it dawned on me perhaps the urn was never full in the first place! Thank heaven I was not there to see the urn retrieved.
Its a problem to be sure. How many urns plus ashes finish on the mantle piece. I know of at least one case where this is so because the relations cannot agree on a last resting place. But in this technological age there are possibilities not available to 'ash scatterers' of past eras.
Scotty (James Doohan) of Star Trek fame had his ashes sent up into space on Rocket Falcon 1 courtesy of Celestris Inc. (Along with 208 others.) Only nothing on earth, and seemingly in space is ever simple. The rocket failed and finished up in the ocean. As good a place as any, I suppose.
(Its not as if only ashes can be a problem if you don't keep an eye on them. The story goes that Thomas Hardy's heart was placed on a table prior to internment and his favourite cat, Cobby carted it off.)
If you want your ashes close to hand (or heart, or ear for that matter) there are some intriguing possibilities in this ultra modern age. Possibilities certainly not available to your great granny.
One enterprising firm suggests turning the ashes into a diamond. Remember, folks, 'A diamond is forever.' No, then how about a piece of jewellery 'to keep near to your heart.' ( a locket with space inside to keep a few ashes. With the bonus of 10% off orders of five or more. The mind boggles with possibilities we won't go into.) And if you're used to being useful in this world and don't fancy doing nothing in the next life, how about being turned into something decorative; a paper weight for instance. (Engraved on the base free of charge.) I kid you not. Who was it who said there's no peace for the wicked. My apologies to anyone my irreverence offends but honestly, if you didn't laugh you'd cry.

So there you have it, the choice is vast, the choice is yours. But words of advice. Whatever you do, get relations or friends to keep their eyes on any ashes prior to decision making. And don't under any circumstances place them in the care of any of the worlds airlines. Emirates Airlines had a case containing ashes stolen on a stopover in Dubai. (I would love to have seen the thieves faces when they opened it up.) Plus Ryanair also lost an urn plus ashes travelling from Australia to Ireland. No wonder when the world's airlines apparently lose 10,000 items of luggage a day. Perhaps I'll opt for burial after all.