Sunday, 29 April 2012

Granddad's Still 'At It!

    Another blast from the past. Another bit of daftness. Only one more, honest! By the way, is it my imagination or has it not stopped raining since the drought orders were put in place. Was it 1976 when Jim Callaghan was appointed Minister for Rain or something similar and the same thing happened.

    Someone said I'm not thoughtful where the wife's concerned. I don't know where that idea came from. Only last night I said to her, 'Put yer coat on.' 'Why, are you taking me out?' she said. 'No, I'm going to the pub and I'm turning the heat down.' Now if that's not thoughtful I don't know what is.
    They were all there, Davey, Harry, One armed Wally plus Wally's lad, Montmerency. Bit modern for us old uns were Montmerency. Mind you, he bought a round, that's got to be a first for our group. 'He's right with it'
    I said to Wally whilst he were at the bar, 'and how longs he had an ear ring?' 'Ever since his missus found it in the bed' said Wally. He had a right strange haircut 'an all. 'Same haircut as Beckham' said Wally proudly. ''Go on,' I said, 'nothing like Beckhams.' 'It would be if Stan the belching barber in the Arcade cut it' said Wally.
    Montmerency came back with the drinks. I could see by his face he'd met Cyril the landlord. Bit of a joker is Cyril, especially with newcomers. 'Told me he'd had Georgia, Cambria, Arial and Frank Ruehi in earlier. Said he wouldn't serve them because they weren't the right type for this pub.' . 'An he said he'd refused to serve a gypsy 'cause he didn't take travellers cheques.' Poor old Monty, not up to Cyril's humour.
    Mind you, you need a laugh when Old Davey's around. He never seems to have much luck. 'I've not been very well,'' he said, 'been seeing red spots before my eyes.' I were quite concerned. 'Have you seen a doctor' I said. 'No, only red spots ' he said. 'Im and his wife's been doing some landscaping in his garden. He rang up Yellow Pages. 'I want a skip outside my house' he said. 'I'm not stopping you' a voice said and put the phone down. They cut a tree down between them. It fell on his missus, damaging her left leg and left arm. She's all right now. Davey had some funny phone calls. He rang up the phone company to report a nuisance call. When he got through they said 'Not you again.' He bought a crystal ball to cheer his wife up. When he got it home it were broke. I reckon they saw him coming.
    Harry were reading the pub paper. Not the Metro like any normal pub. Billy's Weekly Liar it were called. One headline read 'Man kicked to death by spiders' and another 'Unconscious skeleton found on beach.' It's not one for serious reading is Billy's Weekly Liar. There were a piece about a plane crash on a cemetery in Ireland. They reckoned one thousand, three hundred and seventy eight bodies had been recovered so far. Another headline caught the eye. Evidently this highly dangerous midget fortune teller had head butted a guard in the privates and was on the run from prison. It brought tears to the eyes. 'Small Medium at Large' it said. Very succinct.
    I didn't stay as long as usual. I had a sore throat and I didn't feel over well. I called in the late night chemists. Lovely little thing behind the counter. Hair right down her back. None on her head, just down her back. Bright red dress and strings of beads. Quite perked me up.
    'Don't feel well, can you make me something up' I said.
'The Queen's just been in here for some cough mixture' she said. My, there's no flies on her, only beads.
'I knew I could count on you' I said.
    The wife weren't in too good a mood when I got home. I think she were cold!
I knew I'd have to be careful if were to avoid trouble.
    'Would you like to go shopping tomorrow, my dear, I'm sure there's something you'd like' I offered.
'Well I need a new bra for a start' she said.
'You've nothing to put in it' I muttered under my breath.
Crikey, she's got ears like a hawk.
'Well it doesn't stop you wearing underpants' she hissed. By the heck, she's sharp.
    'Let's go to bed, my sweet' I suggested. But she were having non of that either.
'You were so romantic when you were young' she moaned,' you don't call out my name on the odd occasions we make love any more.'
'Well, I don't like to wake you' I thought, only this time I kept it to myself. I know when I'm beat! As George Dixon used to say, 'Evening all.'


Ruth said...

Oh, my, Ken, you were on a roll, eh? Had me laughing so hard I snorted my morning coffee all over my keyboard!

CWMartin said...

What was it they used to say, "Very droll, sir, very droll."

cheshire wife said...

Next time save yourself the hassle and leave the central heating turned up when you go out. It is a small price to pay to keep your wife happy and is probably cheaper than going shopping.

Nurse and Hospital Stories said...

haha. Your wife is quite sensitive, eh. :)

Peny@nursing scrubs

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Picture the scene"


Droll, not heard that word for a long time!

cheshire wife

Us midland/northerners are not daft like our dozy southern friends!


shush, she might hear you!

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