Thursday, 3 March 2011

February, a Monster of a Month. Grumpy's Alternative News.

I see the world is still full of idiots, so lets get rid of them first. The Members of Parliament who made fun of a fellow MP's speech impediment (the MP in question suffers from cerebral palsy) are pathetic in the extreme. No action was taken, which tells you much about the people who are in charge of us. (Plus at least six of them are using 'the system' to keep their finances secret through so called 'blind trusts'; including cabinet members Kenneth Clarke, Chris Huhne and Francis Maude.) The people in charge of Barnsley charged a resident £4,000 for a 1.7 square foot of land to complete an extension. In Oldham councillors have suggested a 'fat tax' of £1000 in order to fight obesity. Kebab and fish and chip shops would be particularly affected. Undoubtedly 'Big Brother' is watching you in Oldham. A parish council near Norwich ordered a bowls club to stop giving council staff £20 at Christmas for keeping the bowling green so well, its a bribe you see, or so the council decreed. HMS Cumberland was diverted to the Libyan coast to evacuate Britains (and others) from this warring country. And where was it going, on its way to be scrapped of course.
The EU looks like its going to decide we in Britain can't discriminate between sexes concerning insurances of cars or anything else for that matter; the fact that our female friends are a proven better risk no matter. The mayor of Chita (Siberia) upset many, (I hope it was all) by voicing regret that the authorities did not have the power to shoot the homeless. Not that our American friends fare any better. Texas looks like deciding some 500,000 students in 38 universities can carry concealed weapons. No matter that 70% of Texans oppose it. In all these cases the suggestion is that those in charge know best. All these cases, important or otherwise suggest 'power corrupts'.
Various 'titbits', totally unrelated that caught my eye. Sumo wrestling in Japan is in disarray with allegations of match fixing. If it's proved bang goes hundreds of years of history. I wonder if Sumo wrestlers get bad backs. A fossilised spine found in northern Spain suggests man suffered from bad backs 4.4 million years ago. I bet the people from Newcastle-under-Lyme get bad backs, they top the bin league table with nine separate receptacles for rubbish. You'd need a beer after taking that lot out on collection day. Though probably not 'Purple Hand' brewed in Mexico City. It's the first beer ever brewed specifically for the gay community. Evidently it tastes like honey. Oh well, whatever turns you on! It's no doubt less harmful than smoking. Which is why America's First Lady is so pleased President Obama has finally quit smoking. Mind you, I then read he's 95% cured. What the heck does that mean. Not that anyone would believe him anyway. Apparently 51% of Republicans believe that President Obama was not born in the USA. Amazing country, amazing people. Doesn't it make you proud to be British! Especially as almost everyone attending a conference at Hugh Hefners Playboy Mansion went down with a form of legionnaire's disease. Daren't say too much, can you come up with your own headlines. I bet Hugh Hefner was annoyed. But not as annoyed as the man who attacked patients with an axe at a medical centre in Madrid. Evidently he had problems getting an appointment!
Animal stories are always interesting even if they show you how preferable animals are to humans. I was saddened to read around 100 sled dogs were slaughtered after a tour company's bookings dropped following the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. And I confess I was less than upset when a man attending a cockfight in Delano, California was stabbed to death by a bird that had a blade attached to its foot. And should I have been amused by the elephant in Pilansberg Game Reserve than mistook a car for a mate, resulting in one overturned car. Less traumatic but again galling, the rare tortoises found in plastic lunchboxes air freighted from Thailand to Coventry. Much more heartening the seal operated on in Paignton Zoo, vets inserting drug implants to save its eyesight. Plus the fox found on the top floor (1.000 feet) of the unfinished Shard Skyscraper in London. (and later released onto the streets of Bermondsy). I noticed the donkey (mentioned in a previous post) whom idiot Russians sent up in a para sailing stunt has died; at least he ended his days in a donkey sanctuary.
Another interesting selection (in this the year of the rabbit, heralding, according to the Chinese a year of peace and prosperity.) And non more so than the newcomer to the Hastings Blue Reef Aquarium. In English, a wedge tail triggerfish. no problem, except that its Hawaiian name is a humuhumunukuapua'a.
Plenty to ponder. In many ways the saddest item was concerning the young lady who travelled to the USA for an illegal buttock enhancement procedure and died from a heart attack after the 'operation'. What a dreadful waste of a young life. The strangest bit of news, the blessing by Roman Catholics bishops of a new iPhone and iPad that allows users to make confessions with a virtual 'priest' over the internet. And two less than world shattering pieces of news. Did you notice James Marcus Smith was charged with benefit fraud in Worcester; who you might ask. Rememember him under his stage name, P J Proby? And I bet you didn't know British postmen use two million red rubber bands every day. The Royal Mail bought four billion rubber bands over the past five years, total cost almost £5 million. And finally one piece of news Grumpy couldn't resist. A snowdrop with a 'sad face', right grumpy has been bred by a snowdrop collector, Joe Sharman and is now part of the national collection at the national Cambo Collection in Fife. (Galanthus elwesii, priced around £100 per bulb.)
Me, I'm off to buy my tickets for the 2012 Olympics, on sale from the 15th March. On second thoughts, with the opening ceremony tickets costing between £20.12 and £2012; men's 100 metres final, £50 t0 £725; number of people registering an interest in tickets 1.7 million, I don't think I'll bother! I predict a shambles is in the making. As George used to say, 'Evening all'.


CWMartin said...

Ken, I love your alt-news columns. In fact, I usually stay away from British stories on my "who's dumber" columns because you do them so much better than I would.

Hmm, I seemed to have lost my invire to Hefner's. Hef never did like me much.

I read about that dogsled story too. Makes you wish dogs could use guns.

On that Butt-operation deal, I ran with a story about a year ago of a "doctor" in New Jersey who injected such patients with a mixture that turned out to be mostly industrial grade caulk. You get what you pay for, children.

I had not heard of PJ Proby before (I guess because I found his only hit here reached #23 they year I was in Kindergarden), but the song in the video was pretty good. Thanks for the link!

Finally, did you catch the uproar about the olympic logo? You might be able to pick up cheap tickets from your Iranian neighbors.

Fun post, thanks for the hard work.

David Macaulay said...

Nice to know Britain is as jobsworth and petty as ever Ken, interesting post.

Bookwormsmarket Blog said...

Australia is no better Ken, we have similar idiot leaders who I'm sure do things just to prove they have the power. Enjoyed your writing as usual!

Pearl said...

Ha! What a great read!

And GREETINGS from the USA, where a good number of people believe that the planet is 6000 years old, "socialist" means un-American, and that your teeth can never be too white.


Bish Bosh Bash said...

Hi Ken,

You really ought to ‘pump up your worth’ and get the attention of Rupert Murdoch, with your own take on the news. Something slightly acerbic and irreverent like ‘Lemon News’ perhaps, on the ‘Grumpy Channel’.

I’ll be your co editor and you can anchor it, but only if you wear that colourful waistcoat and hat, and after 9.00pm you must be seen sipping a pint of beer. Just think of the sponsor/promo opportunities? I’ll work up a plan for you and send it over by Percy pigeon.

Talking a load of chestnuts for a moment - In 2004 a headmaster bought goggles for pupils to wear while playing the game of conkers in the playground, and in the same year, several schools banned the game of Conkers due to fear of causing anaphylactic shock in pupils with nut allergies.

Fact: In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Law: Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing. (!) (??)

And also…In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed, especially if they land on a ‘Bush’. Allegedly.

Thanks Ken. Keep making us chuckle.

Our Life In A Caravan said...

Brilliant Ken! I am convinced that the world is rapidly going bonkers, you just confirm my worse fears! Cheers!
Jools & Mikki @

the fly in the web said...

Abbatoirs for humans and the guns in the hands of the animals....

Sueann said...

You have confirmed my worst fears as well...the world is crazy...everywhere!! Those that rule are trying to lead us all into the poor house!!!
I have to say I was downright discouraged reading your news brief!! Sigh!!

Valerie said...

Picking out the least heartbreaking item, I have to tell you that a lot of those red rubber bands are in my possession, collected from the floor of the office vestibule where postmen let them fall, some gathered from the garden, some from the pavement outside. Saved us having to spend our own money!

John Teal said...

As always your alternative news amuses and depresses all in one go ! what's that saying ...

"It would be funny if it wasn't true !"

Thanks for your take on life, keep on blogging !


Expat mum said...

Blimey Ken - I've just seen how many followers you have. Well impressed!

rhymeswithplague said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rhymeswithplague said...

You left out a nuku. Here's my post about the humuhumunukunukuapua'a (2 nukus) from 2008.

I always enjoy reading your stuff, Ken, grumpy or not.

Rob said...

Great stuff Ken....enjoyable as always....keep making us chuckle and think.

Pat - Arkansas said...

Hullo, Grumpy Ken. First, thank you for your visit to my blog and your nice comment; both are much appreciated.

I have read this post and about five or six previous ones, and am truly delighted by your writing, although not delighted about some of today's alternative news -- specifically, the sled dog massacre, which was previously unknown to me (I must have had my head in the sand when that was first made known.) The dastardly deed raised my blood pressure about 50 points.

That you have received a Blog of Note mention does not surprise me at all. I'll be back.

Stranger in a Strange Land said... much madness in the world! So well collated here!

Moannie said...

Thanks Ken. Now I have no need to spend 10/- old money on a Newspaper, now do I need to listen to the news. I can read the condensed version and do all my Bah Humbugging over at your place.

Nota Bene said...

A fine selection of news...shame I missed the fox...but I do chat to the squirrels in the park in Bermondsey

Debbie said...

Well it is a bit of a comfort to hear not all the idiots are in my area! I am a firm believer that we all should share those types of blessings.
I just found your blog and enjoyed reading back several months. It was much better than what was playing on the tv!

Bernard said...

As George says "Evening all".
You are showing your age there, Ken.
I wonder how many posting here, remember Jack Warner?

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