Monday, 2 November 2009

Bye Bye October. Grumpy's Alternative News.

October, politicians still whingeing, banks still raking it in, and times are still hard; but who cares. There was enough to distract from the humdrum if you looked closely.
People never cease to amaze. Plenty of idiots for a start. The young woman driving on the M4 at ninety miles an hour and trying to inject heroin at the same time. Evidently she is studying four A levels to gain entrance to university. I wonder what subjects!
The comedian Jimmy Carr, cleared of driving whilst using his phone as he was only using it to record a joke. A pathetic response, Mr Carr.
Harriet Harman, alleged to have been involved in a car accident, witnessed, whilst on her mobile. Plus not stopping to exchange insurance details . (She was banned in 2003 for driving at 99mph on the M4.)
Mukesh Ambani, India's richest man has capped his wages this year 'to set a personal example'. He 's only drawing £2.3 million instead of £6 million. That's all right then.
Plus Andrew Robathan, Tory MP who bleats 'I could lose my second home' if the rules on MP's allowances are changed. (He has a £2,000,000 townhouse plus a farmhouse in the country.) Are these people real? Do the people at the top ever think before speaking. In fact do they ever think.
David Blunkett is donating his brain to medical research. I have a better idea. Compulsory purchase the brains of the five people mentioned. You will then be guaranteed brains that have never been used.
Who else made the news. I see a man was jailed after claiming £75,000 in Manchester for severe back and leg pain. (He was seen break-dancing at a work event.) And his job? Benefits Officer!
Likewise the pensioner claiming disability who was spotted break-dancing on 'Britain's Got Talent'.
Misguided, the teacher who was turned in by his own pupils when he rewrote their essays in a school in Tamworth. The pupils objected to the changes even though they got higher marks.
Unlucky, the pensioner in Berlin whose £16,000 blew from his car. The police helped him recover it. Including the receipt that indicated it was smuggled money. Unlucky also the family locked in the Nat West Bank in Fulwood when the staff locked up and went home. One way to keep customers I suppose. The same goes for the man in Plymouth whose wife ordered him to sell his collection of 7,500 Happy Meal Toys. Only he was doubly unlucky in that they did not attract a single bid and he had to take them all back home again!
Anyone who follows my blog will know of my doubts concerning flying. One day I must get round to trying it. But is it any wonder I have grave misgivings.
There was a brawl on an Air India Airbus at 30,000 feet. Passengers you might expect but it was in fact the aircrew. Evidently they came to blows over a claim of sexual harassment. It is alleged that at one stage the plane was left unmanned during the scuffle. This sort of thing does not exactly impress. And it has been denied that the reason a Northwest Airlines flight overshot its destination by 150 miles was because the pilots had been taking a nap at the controls. The pilots claimed they were not asleep, 'merely having a heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness'.
I also noticed an 86, yes 86 year old man from Ohio who crashed a plane killing himself and his five passengers had been warned by his doctor not to even drive a car! (He had been treated for macular degeneration.) And you wonder why I'm not a fan. If I ever do get round to flying I know exactly where I'm going to sit. I'm going to sit on the black box, at least that's always recovered.
Having got a bit morbid, lets finish on a more amusing note. (Though not everyone shares my dubious sense of humour!) A young man on a train mooning at railway staff got his trousers caught in a door and was dragged half naked off the platform. Fortunately only his pride was hurt. And finally a woman gave her husband a potion and dragged him off to the woods, thence to attack him with a knife before running off to a prearranged lover. Very serious, I admit, but I bet it's the last time he takes horny goat weed, even for a bet!


Anonymous said...

Lovely stories seemed like you are very well informed about almost anything. I think it goes with the age. Knowing too much means you are a very matured individual. Children will learn so much knowledge from you and they donèt need to eat apples. LMAO

Von said...

Oh good ones Ken.Plenty to be grumpy about here.I'm very hardpressed to know who to give the prize to, maybe the 80 something who didn't know when to stop.Common sense died a long time ago, around when severe greed became common place.Is that grumpy enough for you?

the fly in the web said...

And what about the chinese man who was surprised by an angry husband and had to stand naked on an air conditioning unit outside the block of flats where he had been enjoying the favours of the man's wife?
He was upset that people had been laughing at his 'condition' and said defensively that it had been very cold.

Valerie said...

Ken, you've just provided me with my moans for the day.

GrumpyRN said...

"You will then be guaranteed brains that have never been used".
Could not be put any better.
Never ever underestimate the stupidity of the general public. Thankfully the majority of people are sensible and generally nice.

The bike shed said...

Made me laugh as usual. Roll on November.

AGuidingLife said...

ha, brilliant - even my hubby came in for a read and I can never get him interested in blogs!

Eddie Bluelights said...

Just up my street is all this stuff!! Had a great chuckle.
I loved all the brainless idiot examples you highlighted.
And I too have never flown, neither has my wife and we don't intend to. Quite happy here in England. Wish Gordon Brown and Co would buy themselves one way tickets to the moon.
See you soon ~ Eddie

Troy said...

I love the idea of the plane left unmanned at 30,000 feet (although I know what you meant really).
Many thanks to Derby County for finally lifting the spirits of Suffolk.

Dumdad said...

If I hadn't read these stroies before I would ahve thought you were making all this up.

Here's a joke to ease the gloom:

Three of my friends, A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first..

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

(She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night..'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.

'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

cheshire wife said...

You seem to pay more attention to the newspapers than I do! Although I did manage to see some of those stories in print.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I always look forward to your alternative news for the month Ken, you never disappoint. I could have done without the aircraft stories though as I'm about to take a long haul flight!

fizzycat said...

Fantastic news Ken, plenty to laugh and wince at here.Good job they had enough fuel in the aeroplane, as it overflew it's destination, thats all I can say.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Thanks. I'm not that clever, though, LMAO?

Yeh! Thanks!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

fly in web
Brilliant, new to me!

Thanks but I bet you're not a moaner.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Grumpy RN
Thanks. We think alike.

Thanks again.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Good old hubby. (I bet he's not so old!)

Naughty thoughts!

Thanks. Derby C, bet Clough lasts longer than Keane, even if we finish bottom!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Life is indeed strange. If there is a god he's taking the mickey.
I had to get someone to explain the joke, I'm not a golfer! Good, though.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

cheshire wife
And all from the Times!

Anne. Thanks. sorry about the scary aircraft bits1 Youre probably safer than in a car.

Good point, I never thought of that. (Dont tell Anne!)

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