Monday, 16 February 2009

Milking My New Found Skills

They'll be no holding this new expert of the blogging world now I've mastered the moving picture lark. (Hush my mentors who are still sending me instructions, pretend you never existed.)
I do regular public speaking engagements for masses of money. (£20 a time is a lot of money to a near destitute pensioner. It seldom costs me more than ten pounds in diesel to get there!) Its good fun in the main except when the front row goes fast asleep, mouths open wide. (The worst bookings are early afternoon when some of the audience, mainly old gentleman have been for a pie and a pint prior to the 'happening.') Plus its sometimes off putting when you ask afterwards if your talk went okay.
'Was it alright then?'
'Yes, fine.'
'Only I wondered as they didn't seem to interact very much.'
'Oh, don't worry about it, mi' duck. Most of them are deaf and can't hear you!'
The other thing that can be a bit of a problem is how long. I like to give value but there's a limit. I once got mildly told off for finishing five minutes early. They like to get what they are paying for, especially in the north.
How many people reading this blog have been to a Ken Dodd performance. Now there's a genius, make no mistake. He is seldom on stage for less than three hours and often does over four. Plus the man will be eighty two this year! Now I can rabbit on but I'm not in Mr Dodd's class, never mind league. Which is where my little friend comes in. You can't stop Ken Dodd in full flow. Try my little friend for size. I always take him with me on my excursions. He too objects to being silenced when in full flow. So if you find me a booking, be warned. You might have to drag me off stage once I get going. What an awful thought! (Again for the less technical, picture one is on link labelled 'He too objects to being', link two labelled 'I get going.')
Perhaps never again. You have no idea how long these two blogs were in the making. Less effort went into the making of Gone With The Wind. I just hope they were worth it. Now please excuse me whilst I go for a lie down!


Carah Boden said...

Yes indeedy, I fear I have been well and truly Ken Dodded. Four hours? Blimey, and the rest...! We went to see him at the Buxton Opera House and were warned that he 'could go on a bit'. I'd heard stories of finishing at midnight. Well, it began at 7.30 and there was no interval till 10.30pm!! Given that we'd all been in the pub beforehand and glancing around and making a rough guess at the average age of the audience, this was truly testing ageing bladders to the limit! We were in the front row moreover and kept catching his eye. I laughed so much in those three hours (crazy but true - apart from when the Diddy Men and the local 'talent' came on which was truly excruciating. I've never seen or heard anything so bad. Kids in high heels that were 5 sizes too big trying to speak in a French accent as members of the wartime resistance actually sounding like Nazi sympathisers. All very unfortunate) that I was knackered. We decided to cut our losses and head for a curry. Thank God for it - apparently he ended at 1.00am and given that most people had travelled an hour to get there...well, there must have been some very tired pensioners around Ashton-under-Lyme the next day!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Had marvellous Sat night on the little dead end road next to Winnetts. Spent aroun £50. Now notices tell me the parking metres ares going to extend. It will be castletons loss I fear.