February, from the Sublime to the Ridiculous; Grumpys Alternative News.

There's nothing like people to make the news. Some examples who caught my eye.

Forty elderly people were arrested on Cyprus for holding weekly poker and bridge sessions. On player was ninety eight! Now you know what to do to keep you young.

A lady in Kent has unusual symptoms after a bout of flue. Birmingham born Debie Royston now speaks with a French accent. Evidently its called Foreign Accent Syndrome.

A man who rambled naked except for his boots and a baseball cap was fined £315 in Leeds Magistrates Court. What particularly amused me was that he kept score of people's reactions. (Adverse versus positive.) Evidently it was 15 to 0 positive until someone took offence!

Another case at Leeds Crown Court involved Michael Rogers of Castleford. He was a juror in a sex trial but stopped attending half way through. His reason, it was 'really boring.' Result, costs of £16,000 and the case had to be rescheduled. No further action was taken because of his 'dire financial circumstances.'

What else can a judge do!

A man was arrested down a manhole in Essex but pleaded not guilty to conspiracy to steal copper cable. I would love to know exactly what he told police he was doing. He was found guilty!

And a woman worker who was fired by a Brazilian branch of Weight Watchers after she put on 3st. is suing them for unfair dismissal. Again exactly what do you say in your defence in such a case?

When does 'funny' become serious? Xavier Alvarez evidently is an habitual liar. He lies about everything. Which is acceptable, I am led to believe, (guess where, folks) until you overstep the mark. (A court ruled 'it would be terrifying if the truth police could go after people for the exaggerations and deceptions that are an integral part of human intercourse.')

Xavier claimed dishonestly to be a holder of the Medal of Honor and that is an offence under the Stolen Valour Act. EXCEPT that he has now claimed everyone has the right to lie under the First Amendment. Evidently it all went to the Supreme Court. Any of my American friends care to share with us all the outcome?

Lest I'm accused of American bias, they do come up with good sense occasionally. Joseph Bray of Florida was violent towards his wife and landed up in court charged with domestic assault. His wife pleaded for leniency. His sentence? He was ordered to buy his wife flowers, take her to out for a meal at the Red Lobster Restaurant and then take her bowling. Nice one, Brown County Judge John Hurley.

Two contrasting police stories. Deputy Chief Constable Adam Briggs retired rather than explain how he spent an expense claim for £11,750 given him by North Yorkshire Police Authority. The Independent Police Complaints Commission are not happy. Such arrogance frightens and depresses me.

For 31 years, 1957-88 policeman Pavel Grechikhin stood at a traffic junction in Belgorod. He fined pedestrians who jaywalked, and kept traffic in order, fairly, without favour. (He even fined his own wife for crossing at the wrong place whilst bringing him his dinner!) A bronze statue has been erected in his memory. Don't you believe Russia is the land of corruption and the UK is squeaky clean.

Laugh or cry time.

An Australian born community warden is taking Kent County Council to the European Court of Human Rights because he's fed up with his colleagues greeting him with "G'day sport."

Portcullis House (an MP's office block) has been costing you and me £30,000 a year to pay for a dozen fig trees for decoration. The contract has not been renewed.

I know the police try to be helpful but how much does it cost to come up with guidelines on plants around the house to keep thieves off your property. Plus listing rhubarb is dubious; are the authors gardeners, its not exactly a lightning fast grower. (Metropolitan guidelines.)

I thought the criminal who donned a wig and gown to defend a mate in Plymouth Crown Court deserved a medal for nerve if not for brain power. So now he's in court as well charged with 'wilfully pretending to be a person with a right of audience.

Talking of crime and criminals, a restaurant has opened inside Cardiff Prison run by the prisoners. Serving three course meals with food sourced from the prison farm, I think it will do well. And its name, The Clink of course!

Luckiest people in the month seemed to have been refuse workers and street cleaners. Refuse workers in Cleethorpes found £2,700 in £20 notes whilst sorting through commercial waste. Its not been claimed and they've kept £150 each and given the rest to charity. Street cleaner Arron Large who works for Southend Council found a £21,000 Rolex watch down a drain. PLUS he's since found two more Rolex's, a Frank Muller watch and an Omega. Total value over £60,000 if no-one claims them!

Finally, who are the happiest people in the UK. Evidently, according to a Government wellbeing survey, the happiest people tend to be married, work part time and live in Northern Ireland. Mind you, the least happy in partnerships were those married forty years or more! And the least happy of all those surveyed? Evidently it was divorced males around forty five years of age who live in London! So now you know. If you want to know some less than useful information come to Grumpy!