Friday, 1 July 2011

Jolly Old June. Grumpy's Alternative News.

I sometimes wonder if I live on the same planet as some of those in the news. Those in positions of power often make me shudder and I'm not keen what too much power or money does to people. For instance, Beatrice Bolton, a judge in Rothbury, Northumberland is fined £2,500 after her dogs attack three people in a year. Is she contrite, is she heck. 'It's a f****** travesty' is her dismissive retort. And Deputy High Court Judge James Allen seems to think its OK to assault his wife and then suggest she inflicted the injuries on herself. (He was sentenced to twelve months probation and told to remember he is now the 'servant' rather than the 'master'.)


Dentist Chirag Patel uses a dead man's disability badge to park his Ferrari and then whinges when he's caught. He reckons being charged with fraud is 'irrational and oppressive.' George Davis, founder of Next offers his £100,000 Maserati to two policemen if they will let him off a drink driving charge when he is caught over the limit. Tom Campbell, Boris Johnson's cultural strategy manager brags to an interviewer that he regularly shoplifts from high street shops and then sounds surprised that he gets the sack.
Its not the offences that annoy me the most. It's the undiluted arrogance of these people, they seem to have no conception as to how the majority of ordinary, decent people live and think. (Boris Becker is disputing a gardening bill on his estate on Majorca of almost £267,000. A gardening bill, for goodness sake!) What was it I was taught at school, 'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth'!

It really is a mad world. Thirty six male and female police officers are to guard the Olympic flame as it tours the country in 2012. And guess what happens after the tour is over. All involved are to receive counselling to help with their 'reintegration back into the Met'. Ye gods, I kid you not! A man has been charged with clamping unmarked police cars during a visit to Portsmouth by the Queen. How awful for the poor police drivers. I bet they went on sick leave after such a stressful experience.

Some more idiots, but at least they made me smile. The young lady in Hamburg who announced her 16th birthday party on Facebook but didn't say it was private. 1500 turned up; mounted police were needed and she ran away. A security guard in Doncaster used a 12-bore Beretta to remove a wart from his middle finger. He removed the wart, also most of his finger and, he hadn't even got a gun licence! And Mark Wilkinson of Birmingham took his 16ft second-hand cabin cruiser to Lyme Bay for it's maiden voyage. Unfortunately a previous repair proved faulty and the boat sank. The boat's name, Titanic II !

Life never ceases to surprise. A man in Warrington is held under water and drowns. This terrible event during an angling competition at the local canal. A 21 year old man in Plymouth breaks up with the mother of his two children. So he bombards her with text messages, 17,000 over a year. (That's an average of 47 a day.) James and Jacqueline Balmer, a couple from Cirencester never flew in the same plane as their daughters for fear of orphaning their two children. Children now grown up, they fly in the same plane over the Mediterranean. The plane came down between Menton and Monaco; sadly both were killed.

No wonder I found myself floating as on high during June. Better than any drugs, this strange world of ours. Even our animal friends provide surreal experiences that test our grip on reality. Firefighters are called out to rescue a sheep from a roof in Pontycymer, South Wales. Another sheep, Shrek evaded those who tried to clip him by hiding in caves at Tarras, South Island, New Zealand. When they eventually caught him he had thirty kilos of wool on him! Still in New Zealand (North Island) a penguin, nicknamed Happy Feet turns up from the Antartic, 2000 miles away. Somewhat bemused, he eats the beach sand, presumably mistaking it for snow. In Australia a kookaburra becomes wedged in the grille of a Mazda 6 car. Twenty five hours and 442 miles later the car arrives in Brisbane and one lucky bird is released, indignant but very much alive. No wonder they are known as the laughing jackass. Not so lucky Trouble, the Maltese dog whose death was annouced recently. Trouble was left £7.3 million by her owner New York hotel mogul Leona Helmsley. Not a cheap dog to maintain, her security guard alone cost $100,000 a year. And they still won't allow its remains to be buried in the family mausoleum!

Finally a bizarre story from the good old US of A and no guns involved for a change. A women goes to the dentist in Oregon. She is American, has never been abroad but now, after the anaesthetic Halcion, speaks with a foreign accent that some describe as British, some South African. Known as Foreign accent syndrome, the condition is rare but certainly not unknown. How strange indeed is this world we live.

So there you have it. Another month gone. Do me a favour, tell me, please, of all these bizarre happenings, which in particular caught your eye.

17 comments:

CWMartin said...

Knowing your predilection for American gun stories, I was glad to see you giving equal time to your countryman with the wart removal problem. Not only is one born every minute, but in every place, huh?

MattJW said...

Certainly one or two there for the Darwin Awards... An excellent and thoroughly entertaining post - I can empathise with much of it!

RJR said...

Funny as ever ! just to let you know in a recent blog hop I chose and shared your blog as one of my 3 favourites.

Star said...

Was so happy to see your new post. Interesting stories all. Quite apart from its inherent value, the story of the man shooting off his finger along with the wart struck me because it made me remember "The Darwin Awards," which are very funny and mind-boggling and sad (that people could be so stupid) all at the same time. The other thing that caught at my heart was the oh too true aside about Americans and guns. It's pretty pointless to tell them that our (that's a hint, folks, not an assumption) right to bear arms was because we didn't have a standing army, and so now that we do....

quilterliz said...

G'day Ken. Great post, interesting reading. It just goes to show we really are a wierd mob, aren't we ? Well, some of us are at any rate, thankfully not all !! Take care. Liz...

Valerie said...

Lots of wry smiles there, Ken. I couldn't believe that thirty six male and female flame guarding police officers would receive reintegration counselling. Great Post, again.

Katie said...

ahhh, you are the best news source!

Jeneane said...

Well I have to say I'm a bit disappointed that I missed Happy Feet by one day, having been visiting the Kapiti Coast only the day before he arrived on the beach.

I've got nowt to say about Shrek sorry.

Good round-up

joanne fox said...

The world is a funny old place, that's for sure.

Even as a pretty keen gardener myself, I can't believe anyone can run up a gardening bill over a quarter of a million pounds! Don't they have B&Q in Spain?

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi Ken
Tgey are all truly inspiring examples of looney Britain and the world in which we live. Getting more bizzard every month. The one that stands out in my mind is the 32 police officers guarding the Olympic Torch. To hell with the torch!!! What about all the vandalls and street muggers, polluting our society?? The mind boggles!!

Great read as ever, Ken

Gods_Girl26 said...

It does amaze me what people will do sometimes!!! Yes, stupidity does sell. I hope your having a wonderful weekend :)

Nota Bene said...

This made me quite grumpy to start with, with all those arrogant people...but I was laughing by the end!

Pauline said...

I always find these posts of the weird and wonderful quite comforting. I can console myself that the rest of the world is as crazy as around here. Interesting to see two mentions of NZ. I cannot believe that word of that darn penguin has reached across the world. I will need counselling if I have to hear about it again on the News tonight. That's as good an excuse for counselling as any, I reckon.

bad credit loans said...

Makes me wanna shave that sheep myself.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Ken, I live very near Rothbury and you may not know this, but the unpenitent judge's dog has just recently attacked and bitten a local postman... Quite badly, so it turns out.

In a move that the community can scarce comprehend, no further criminal action can be taken in the case, as the attack occurred on private land (i.e. the judge's garden).

Believe it or not!

Something not quite right is afoot here.

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