Goodbye December, You Didn't Disappoint. Grumpy's Alternative News.

December seemed all snow and Wikileakes but was there anything else. Well, I personally liked the Japanese train that achieved 302mph on test. A long way from the little man who walked in front with a red flag. Or was that the motor car! Mind you, we in the UK have just completed some cracking trains, called Pendolinos; very chic, very modern. Only we are not going to use them, we are going to store them until 2012 over a franchise row. Who put the great in Great Britain!

I love it how those 'in charge' talk so far into the future. World Cup, 2022, 'is awarded to Qatar.' I don't care, I shall be eighty three and totally ga-ga if still around for goodness sake! India is working on 'space curry' for a manned trip to the moon in 2020. Mind you, its latest unmanned rocket crashed after take off, the fourth out of seven. Bang goes another £30 million; and 800 million Indians live on less than £1 a day.

Anthony Newley used to sing 'Stop the world, I want to get off.' The whole world seems to be going mad. A man who likes to dress up as the town sheriff gets 'carried away' and shoots four people dead in Olot in northeast Spain. Bangladesh comes up with the idea of interviewing their leading hangman on a television chat show (Evidently he learnt his trade whilst serving twenty one years in jail for murder). And a student in Leicester faked his kidnap and wired his parents in China for the ransom. Who did the parents contact, the UK police of course. (He was studying economics at Leicester University.) I see the lady in West Yorkshire got her engagement ring back, eventually, after a burglar swallowed it. She said she didn't care where it had been. Mind you, the council in Camden won't get their footpaths back. A gang posing as council workers cordoned off six paths and stole York stone slabs in broad daylight.
The compensation culture is still alive and well. I suppose the Russian tourists attacked by sharks in Egypt have a case considering the beaches in question were declared safe. But surely the man awarded damages for injuries in a Boy Scout game ten years ago was 'playing the system'. I too have a damaged shoulder due to flying large kites and throwing boomerangs. (honest!) Whom do I sue?

Finally a lady and a gentleman who will remember 2010 for different reasons. A businessman put 200,000 Taiwanese dollars through a shredder. The result, 4,000 pieces of paper. Enter Liu Hui-fen, a forensic scientist, who took one week to put all the notes back together. Contrast Mohammed Bellazrak, who dropped his wife off at Gatwick Airport and couldn't put his return route back together. A 120 mile round trip to Trowbridge became 2,000 miles, three nights in the car taking 66 hours. His journey included visiting Bracknell, Wokingham, Burnham and High Wycombe. The gentleman is 72 years of age, I am 71; I know the feeling!

So goodbye 2010. So here's ten somewhat irreverent memories of what sticks in the mind from last year. Sorry ladies if at times it seems sexist, I love you all, honest! (See the monthly posts of Grumpy's Alternative News 2010.)
Remember Jane Rawlinson, the Australian hurdler who had breast enhancements then found it affected her performance. (On the track!) So she had the enhancements reversed. See you in the Olympics in 2012, Jane; hope breaking the tape doesn't go to a photo finish!

Canada's History magazine, hope your name change from Beaver Magazine improved sales. At least now you'll no longer be displayed with the naughty magazines on the top shelf!

And I hope the lady allegedly 'groped' by Donald Duck in Disney World wins her case. Mind you, if the identity parade features twelve men in Donald Duck costumes I wouldn't fancy her chances.

I've no doubt the galia melon farmer in Wiltshire who used ladies bras (all volunteered) to support his crop had a good season. I now think of size double D-cups every time I buy a melon in the supermarket.

I trust the lady teacher in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales who starred in 'naughty movies' then stored them on the school computer found another job. The Erotica Fair in London reckoned bondage was a 'spanking' good business to be in!

Keith Richard's autobiography sold well. Probably helped by his references to Mick Jaggers 'manhood'. Jerry Hall reckons he's jealous and she seems to know. But somebodies not telling the truth!

Tweet of the year. Stephen Fry's silliness that 'The only reason women slept with men was that Sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship.' Not too enamoured with the ladies, is Stephen!

Most embarrassed lady of the year. The young woman who mysteriously overcharged a customer by £5 in a Jersey supermarket. Mysterious, that is, until it was realised her seat at the till was too low and her breasts were resting on the scales! Though why £5 overcharge, you tell me!

Plus 2010 was the year Martin Elliot died. His iconic, 'cheeky' photograph of that adorable young tennis player, aged eighteen at the time adorned the walls of many a young man in the 1980's.

Finally, I'm enjoying my padded briefs from Marks and Spencers. Called 'Bodymax Frontal Enhancement Pants', they give this old geriatric added confidence as he walks down the street. Mind you, I get some funny looks. I suppose I ought to be wearing trousers as well! Goodbye, 2010, another good year!