Friday, 14 January 2011

Goodbye December, You Didn't Disappoint. Grumpy's Alternative News.

December seemed all snow and Wikileakes but was there anything else. Well, I personally liked the Japanese train that achieved 302mph on test. A long way from the little man who walked in front with a red flag. Or was that the motor car! Mind you, we in the UK have just completed some cracking trains, called Pendolinos; very chic, very modern. Only we are not going to use them, we are going to store them until 2012 over a franchise row. Who put the great in Great Britain!
I love it how those 'in charge' talk so far into the future. World Cup, 2022, 'is awarded to Qatar.' I don't care, I shall be eighty three and totally ga-ga if still around for goodness sake! India is working on 'space curry' for a manned trip to the moon in 2020. Mind you, its latest unmanned rocket crashed after take off, the fourth out of seven. Bang goes another £30 million; and 800 million Indians live on less than £1 a day.
Anthony Newley used to sing 'Stop the world, I want to get off.' The whole world seems to be going mad. A man who likes to dress up as the town sheriff gets 'carried away' and shoots four people dead in Olot in northeast Spain. Bangladesh comes up with the idea of interviewing their leading hangman on a television chat show (Evidently he learnt his trade whilst serving twenty one years in jail for murder). And a student in Leicester faked his kidnap and wired his parents in China for the ransom. Who did the parents contact, the UK police of course. (He was studying economics at Leicester University.) I see the lady in West Yorkshire got her engagement ring back, eventually, after a burglar swallowed it. She said she didn't care where it had been. Mind you, the council in Camden won't get their footpaths back. A gang posing as council workers cordoned off six paths and stole York stone slabs in broad daylight.
The compensation culture is still alive and well. I suppose the Russian tourists attacked by sharks in Egypt have a case considering the beaches in question were declared safe. But surely the man awarded damages for injuries in a Boy Scout game ten years ago was 'playing the system'. I too have a damaged shoulder due to flying large kites and throwing boomerangs. (honest!) Whom do I sue?
Finally a lady and a gentleman who will remember 2010 for different reasons. A businessman put 200,000 Taiwanese dollars through a shredder. The result, 4,000 pieces of paper. Enter Liu Hui-fen, a forensic scientist, who took one week to put all the notes back together. Contrast Mohammed Bellazrak, who dropped his wife off at Gatwick Airport and couldn't put his return route back together. A 120 mile round trip to Trowbridge became 2,000 miles, three nights in the car taking 66 hours. His journey included visiting Bracknell, Wokingham, Burnham and High Wycombe. The gentleman is 72 years of age, I am 71; I know the feeling!
So goodbye 2010. So here's ten somewhat irreverent memories of what sticks in the mind from last year. Sorry ladies if at times it seems sexist, I love you all, honest! (See the monthly posts of Grumpy's Alternative News 2010.)
Remember Jane Rawlinson, the Australian hurdler who had breast enhancements then found it affected her performance. (On the track!) So she had the enhancements reversed. See you in the Olympics in 2012, Jane; hope breaking the tape doesn't go to a photo finish!
Canada's History magazine, hope your name change from Beaver Magazine improved sales. At least now you'll no longer be displayed with the naughty magazines on the top shelf!
And I hope the lady allegedly 'groped' by Donald Duck in Disney World wins her case. Mind you, if the identity parade features twelve men in Donald Duck costumes I wouldn't fancy her chances.
I've no doubt the galia melon farmer in Wiltshire who used ladies bras (all volunteered) to support his crop had a good season. I now think of size double D-cups every time I buy a melon in the supermarket.
I trust the lady teacher in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales who starred in 'naughty movies' then stored them on the school computer found another job. The Erotica Fair in London reckoned bondage was a 'spanking' good business to be in!
Keith Richard's autobiography sold well. Probably helped by his references to Mick Jaggers 'manhood'. Jerry Hall reckons he's jealous and she seems to know. But somebodies not telling the truth!
Tweet of the year. Stephen Fry's silliness that 'The only reason women slept with men was that Sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship.' Not too enamoured with the ladies, is Stephen!
Most embarrassed lady of the year. The young woman who mysteriously overcharged a customer by £5 in a Jersey supermarket. Mysterious, that is, until it was realised her seat at the till was too low and her breasts were resting on the scales! Though why £5 overcharge, you tell me!
Plus 2010 was the year Martin Elliot died. His iconic, 'cheeky' photograph of that adorable young tennis player, aged eighteen at the time adorned the walls of many a young man in the 1980's.
Finally, I'm enjoying my padded briefs from Marks and Spencers. Called 'Bodymax Frontal Enhancement Pants', they give this old geriatric added confidence as he walks down the street. Mind you, I get some funny looks. I suppose I ought to be wearing trousers as well! Goodbye, 2010, another good year!

56 comments:

thormoo said...

A wonderful post, very informative. Couldn't agree more..I think with that poor a record of successful rocket launches (less then 50%) India out to bag it all together and find something they're good at...making Curry, perhaps.
Enhancement pants! Love it though i agree, you probably should be wearing trousers. Have a wonderful New Year!

Smokin D said...

Well, I for one am glad to have 2010 behind for many reasons. However, your post was great and really enjoyed reading it. Thank you.

MrC said...

Hi Ken, As a new arrival at your blog I'm already hooked. I'm about to retire from 42 years teaching myself, so may well need advice on how to be as sorted as you obviously are. Is there really life after the Smart Board?
Keep on bloggin' from the Land of the Free!
Cheers
MrC

King of New York Hacks said...

Donald Duck groped me once too...and Pluto pissed on me...never got a dime...great blog. Peace.

the fly in the web said...

Do you know Flanders and Swann's 'The Months'?
Reminded me of your comments on December.

Now..these underpants. Are they to enhance the prow or the poop?
Upon your answer depends whether I order a pair for my brother in law who is seeking to impress the ladies after having been ditched by his far from lady wife.

It is either the underpants or the hat sold by the Piddle Brewery of..where else..the Piddle Valley...with the slogan clearly displayed 'Piddle on my head'.

It clearly describes what has happened to him..but I feel that the underpants, correctly oriented, might be a better bet for a happy future.

Hanny said...

I turned 18 in 2002. My entire adult life has been defined by a world turned upside down and backwards. I imagine that every generation feels this way, but I only have one perspective to speak from, haven't I?
Still, 2010 did seem to be a bit of a downer for most people.

The Sleeve said...

I am also I newbie to your blog...due to "Blogs of Note." I love it! Informative and very entertaining to read.

I will definitely continue to read.

Squonk said...

I'm a new follower of your blog. Love the way that you see the world, always a funny side to even the mad and bad things in life. Your blog really cheers me up each day. Thank you.

France Rants said...

Enhancement pants?

Oh, but you English 'blokes' can be bloody entertaining!!

Bollocks then!

And yes, this Yank is quite impressed with her mastery of the British vernacular;)

Thanks for the smile!

Taleah said...

lol at padded briefs!!! won't get you all that far, my dear...


temptresstaleah.blogspot.com

Zak said...

Mr Grumpy,

What are you going to do if you die now that you have over 700 followers?

Well, I don't mean to say you could actually DO anything because you'd be dead but if you did pass what would happen to your blog?

I've got parents in aged care. One has Alzhiemers and the other has the beginnings of dementia. This causes me think about life and death a lot so please don't be offended as I'm sure you would not be, but the people reading this might find it a bit tacky. To those people, please realize that the mature of age don't usually have as much trouble with the subject of dying as the young. I'm just curious to hear Grumpy's musings on the subject.

If you are eighty something like you say you are, Grumps, then I guess this whole death thing is a possibility. (As it is for anyone of any age anyway).

Do you have a blog succession plan?

I wonder what happens to blogs that belong to people who just up and die?

Zak.

Zak said...

Correction seventy something (70ish)...

Zak.

Our Life In A Caravan said...

Quite simply brilliant! Highly entertaining.

Star said...

Just found your blog thanks to "Blogs of Note." Heartily enjoyed the post, and looking forward to reading backwards (through the messages, that is). Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year!
P.S., the word for verification ("whinesse") isn't a comment on my post, is it? I mean, I do whine, some times, but don't think I'm able to do it with finesse!

Valerie said...

Great post as usual, Ken. You've certainly attracted some followers now you're famous. Don't get carried away with the enhanced pants...grins.

scireg said...

I like your blog

Nota Bene said...

A very good round up of the best of last year...still hoping someone will buy me those pants!

slommler said...

Yes...trousers would be a good idea!! Ha!
This was a great post Ken!! Thanks
Hugs
SueAnn

Jersey Rantor said...

Ken, it was nice to discover you. My daughter helped me set up my blog and it is nice to see other people near my age doing the same. Give me a read sometime at:
jersey-rants.blogspot.com.
Be glad to see you there!
Jersey Rantor

Lakeland Jo said...

great post Ken- I had a good laugh

Pela said...

I like your blog!
Greetings from Poland!

rdkeefer said...

I really enjoyed your post!
http://rdkeefer.blogspot.com/

Moannie said...

Ah, Ken! How succinctly you have summed up 2010, and knocked a few budgies off their perches at the same time.

No wonder my noreply email is clogged up with kudos from your adoring fans.

Gill - That British Woman said...

you made me laugh, I mean really laugh....thank you for that, and if I see a strange fella walking down the street in just his enhancement pants, I'll say "Hello Ken!!"

Gill in Canada

Hippy Chick said...

Oh, I needed that! A photo finish without the breast enhancements, that would be a shame, wouldn't it?

Great post.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Brilliantly witty, Ken. As usual I laughed my socks off. particularly about the enhancement pants LOL. I see thst is not the only area which is bulging LOL!! Your followers and signing up in droves and why not, they know a good blog when they see it. Take care my friend.

sleepinl8 said...

to Zak: I don't think he has too much to worry about (unless you're talking about an unexpected death like getting hit by a car - then, we'd all be screwed) because by the time he's old enough do die of old age, blogs (sniff sniff) probably will be a thing of the past. Oops that a really controversial comment. Well, that's just my prediction. Predict what ya want, y'all.

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

A little late here Ken...but wanted to say thanks for putting a chuckle in my day!!

I'm afraid that halfway through 2011 we will wish it was 2010 again!

the tourist said...

www.datingsagame.com

Adam said...

Great blog. Very entertaining.

Pat said...

I think the frontal enhancement knickers are best given a miss by gentlemen of a certain age. They look like incontinence pads.

Richard G. Crockett said...

Hi Ken,

I read your post yesterday, but I did not comment then because, well, I was kinda overwhelmed. It was so very funny, I did not know what to say. Really, I was at a loss for words. "Ha, ha, very funny," just did not cover it.

So I had a nice sleep and went about another busy day (self-employed so never a day off), and there was one thing that just kept sticking in my mind. I've cut and pasted it here:

"Tweet of the year. Stephen Fry's silliness that 'The only reason women slept with men was that Sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship.' Not too enamoured with the ladies, is Stephen!"

It was that "Not too enamoured with the ladies, is Stephen!"

That just kills me. An American would never say that. First, of course, we spell enamor wrong, second, we use quotes all reversed, third, that "..., is <name>!" It such a Britishism (to this 'ol country boy's ears), and fourth, brother, you nailed it!

Thanks for the enduring chuckle,
Rick

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kikitheblackcat said...

Very accurate as far a I can see. You seem to have covered the important stuff that happened in 2010. Sunday morning is looking much better now so as a thank you I linked you up good and proper. Keep it coming G.O.K.

Olavo Marques said...

You are excellent! I loved this post!

See my blog:

http://questoesdefutebol.blogspot.com/

BeautifulMystery said...

I suppose you ought to wear trousers with your underwear! Lol, nice blog! I didn't find it sexiest at all...

Ruth said...

I just found your blog thanks to BON. I miss the British brand of humor - dry, witty, and making fun of the everyday annoyances.
Cheers,
Ruth

Alice said...

www.alicesworldofbooks.blogspot.com

Frank Eeckman said...

Very entertaining, love the padded briefs

Clarence Heller said...

My first visit here...You don't seem that grumpy.

ymagoon said...

I can't stop laughing at this because every sentence reminded me of my father. He too was a teacher and is completely and absolutely technically illiterate. What's more is that you even look similar...he has a long white beard.

nutty said...

Stumbled upon your blog from Blogs of Note. I laughed out loud several times! Will stalk you now.

Thanks for the LOLs, and keep writing sir!

Nutty

Star said...

Hello! Can't see how else to contact you to tell you that the newest post "I'd better be more PC from Now On" (http://grumpyoldken.blogspot.com/2011/01/id-better-be-more-pc-from-now-on.html) isn't available, for some reason. Look forward to reading it, and your other future posts. Thanks for your great blog!
Star

About Last Weekend said...

Hi Ken, nice to meet you. Came through "Blogs of Note" Love your blog...from another curmudgeon, albeit Kiwi, female and slightly younger. 2011 is going to be a good -or bad- one for us I bet. Lots to grumble about...Cheers, Jody

Petesweet said...

I enjoyed reading this. Very Funny and informative as thormoo said.

L.A.C.E. said...

I love your blog. Saw it on blog of note. However, when I tried to see your latest post it says your page doesn't exist :( Anyhoo, loved reading what you had to say.

DigitalDesparado said...

amen to that

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Heather said...

Am a Crazy Canadian (married to a crazy Brit). Just happened upon your blog and loved it! Especially the bit about our Beaver Magazine. I am also a former teacher...enjoy your sensibility and humour. You've inspired me to start my own light hearted blog:
http://themoosepyjamachronicles.blogspot.com
Cheers from across the pond.

Levonne said...

Congrats on being a blog of note. Hope you'll come by Levonne's Pretty Pics and A Camp Host's Meanderings when you have a moment to spare!

KrisBKreeme said...

Hi Ken! I really enjoy reading these posts of yours. I hope you don't worry about not being as "technologically inclined" as younger people are these days. Even posting on this blog makes you look like Bill Gates to my father!

Please follow my blog about my journey to saving money! http://10kby2012.blogspot.com/

george115 said...

wow great blog, im new still trying to get hang of this so if anybody wants to see my blog they can :)http://griefinyourlife.blogspot.com

Mehmed said...

i dont really focus about thi spost but ireally love about your picture, its make me comforted, lol .. thanks

blondie300680 said...

wow, great blog!!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Mr c
Visited but couldn't find your blog. Is it me?

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