Did January Have You Jumping? Grumpy's Alternative News.

Another month that made you feel sad, glad and sometimes mad. I see the ambulance technician who didn't attend a heart attack victim (in Scotland) because he was on his 'tea break' kept his job. Not so the teacher in Wales who took a sledge to school in the snow so that pupils could enjoy themselves. He failed the written risk assessment. Health and Safety still rules OK. And I see gun sales in America went up after the tragic shootings in Tucson, Arizona. (A ten year old is at present on trial in Ohio accused of shooting his mother; the police found four weapons in his bedroom.) I despair of the place, cheered only by those who plead for sanity, but in vain. Sadly talking of guns, in Sweden an annual cull to kill twenty wolves has attracted around 6,500 hunters. (despite an EU ban.)

It's enough to drive you to drink. A bit like the dozens of starlings who 'drank' themselves to death in Constanta after consuming grapes left over from wine making. Doubtful, though that the flock of around 3,000 red-winged blackbirds that fell from the sky above Beebe in Arkansas had been drinking. (suspected cause lightning.) And not so the pigeon outside a Columbian prison. The amount of crack cocaine strapped to its wings meant it was mission impossible where take off was concerned. Most people like animals. Penguins have come out top in the Edinburgh Zoo 'adoption scheme'. (At its sister Highland Wildlife Park polar bears came top.) And pandas are never far behind. Edinburgh Zoo has been 'gifted' a pair of giant pandas by China for ten years. Mating is the aim but its not easy. (for pandas, silly.) Many zoos have tried various methods and failed. Encouraging them to stand up (strengthens pelvic muscles). Showing them films of pandas mating, even viagra (honest); nothing seems to work. Mind you, evidently for 362 days of the year pandas are not interested in sex. Sounds about right! So don't hold your breath. But animal of the month has to be Heidi, the cross-eyed opossum. now in Leipzig Zoo and soon to be released from quarantine; she is ensured instant fame. She already has a Face-Book page with 50,000 friends, a hit video on YouTube, a song and a replica doll. Remember you read it here first!

The world is one hell of a place. I notice The Home Office has been named as the most gay-friendly employer. I read also that Sir Elton John's baby Zachary, born to a surrogate mother, has 'two mothers and two fathers.' Campbell's soup is returning to Britain and I hadn't even noticed it had gone away. Houses in Wimbledon Village (SW19) averaged more than £5 million each between 2006 and 2010. No wonder people like Sarah Vine, a Cabinet minister's wife buys marmalade at Harrods costing £8.95 a jar. (David Cameron's father left him £300,000 tax free in his will; estate worth £2.7 million.) Mind you, who needs money. James Stevenson, an IT manager didn't. He defrauded the Sainsbury system out of 17 million Nectar points. He could have gone to Alton Towers 2,700 times. As Tommy Trinder used to say 'Now there's a funny thing.'

Mind you, money's not everything. Certainly not where the Royal Mint is concerned. Some of the £2 coins issued for the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot read 'Pemember the Fifth of November'. Worth £10 on e-bay so I'm told. (I have a 'nine bob note ' on my wall, but at least that was done deliberately.) I cannot understand when all they do is make coins and notes they get it wrong. Doesn't anybody check? They should let Tesco run the Royal Mint. They seem to want to run everything else. Not long ago they went into pawnbroking. Now they're talking about opening beauty parlours. Phones, food, banking, what next, Tesco.
And that's about it. My more sensitive readers, please finish here. For I couldn't resist the news that the ladies in the red light districts in Holland are to face stricter income tax enforcement. 19% value added tax on every sex 'act'. Every little helps towards their state pension. Mind you, the inspectors are sympathetic. Sex toys and rent, tax deductable (between 33% and 52%) plus the following advice. Because of fire hazards, 'all clients involved in sado-masochistic acts are required to be bound and gagged in a way that would allow them to free themselves in 30 seconds.' And, 'All bedside tables to have a pair of wire cutters in the drawers.'

There will of course be three more monthly 'reports'. But evidently not May. for, according to 'We Can Know', a Christian organisation based in North Carolina, Judgement Day is to be May 21st.

So there you have it, and I repeat, 'Don't forget you heard it here first!