Useless.

I was watching one of the shopping channels the other night. How sad is that! Mind you, there was nothing of note on any of the main channels. One 'bargain' involved a Suction Handle. You know, those handles that stick to the wall by suction to help you get out of the bath or similar.

(I fed onto the internet the words 'suction handle'. There are 1,260,000 possible websites!)

The only thing is, they don't, stick that is, at least not for long.

The chap on the programme, smarmy wasn't the word, used the words 'safe, removable, secure, effortless, convenient, powerful.' He attached one to a wheeled cabinet and pushed, note pushed not pulled it round the room. Another two were attached (note two not one) to perspex on a table. The price was £49.99 for two but we knew we would get them at a bargain price. And so we did. Under £5 for the pair. (The postage and packing were far more than the goods.) Great, what a bargain, except that one fell from its perspex display whilst the salesman was rabbiting on. And, remember, that whilst under no lifting strain or pressure whatsoever. Presumably that was why there were two on display, or am I being cynical? The salesman ignored this 'happening' but I'll bet he was glad when he moved on to the next 'bargain'.

Now I've got one of these handles. I didn't pay a fortune but five pence would be too much. I lay in bed in the dead of night, out of this world, to be brought alive by a loud 'clonk'. Fearing burglars, my wife 'ordered' an investigation. I did as I was told, got out of bed, drew myself up to my full 5ft 4 inches and wandered round the house. Unclothed, I would have frightened off any burglar but there were no open doors or windows and certainly no sign of disturbance. Relieved, I now needed relief and headed for the bathroom. I turned on the light and lo and behold, there it was, the source of all our fears. One suction handle, bored with life stuck to a wall now lying happily in the middle of the bath. We did try on other occasions to make our handle secure. But no amount of effort (or spit) secured the damn thing for more than a day. And that was without risking life and limb using the thing for its intended purpose.

I was going to write to the shopping channel to complain. I have a very posh pen. I bought it half price in a shop in Ilkeston. I've always liked unusual things and this 'biro' lights up as well as writes. Only it doesn't. Light up or write I mean. It steadfastly refuses to do either, never has done, never will do. Such is life.

What intrigues me, are there inventors out there designing useless objects to sell to fools like me. Are there goods out there I've yet to come across equally pathetic on which I can spend my pitiful pension. (My wife bought a long handled dustpan from a market recently. The handle refused to stay on after two weeks and has now been binned. Yet I have a twenty year old yard brush that has only had two new heads and three new handles.)

Have any of my readers got one of these handles that actually stays on the wall? And have you any items, gadgets or similar that have proved useless in the extreme. (I'm not too impressed with lawn strimmers I've owned.) Surely its not just me and mine!

By the way, the suction handles have their uses. Dogs love to retrieve them, they're durable and don't travel too far when thrown. Perhaps relabeled 'Dog Throws' would be more honest!