Saturday, 6 March 2010

Useless.

I was watching one of the shopping channels the other night. How sad is that! Mind you, there was nothing of note on any of the main channels. One 'bargain' involved a Suction Handle. You know, those handles that stick to the wall by suction to help you get out of the bath or similar.
(I fed onto the internet the words 'suction handle'. There are 1,260,000 possible websites!)
The only thing is, they don't, stick that is, at least not for long.
The chap on the programme, smarmy wasn't the word, used the words 'safe, removable, secure, effortless, convenient, powerful.' He attached one to a wheeled cabinet and pushed, note pushed not pulled it round the room. Another two were attached (note two not one) to perspex on a table. The price was £49.99 for two but we knew we would get them at a bargain price. And so we did. Under £5 for the pair. (The postage and packing were far more than the goods.) Great, what a bargain, except that one fell from its perspex display whilst the salesman was rabbiting on. And, remember, that whilst under no lifting strain or pressure whatsoever. Presumably that was why there were two on display, or am I being cynical? The salesman ignored this 'happening' but I'll bet he was glad when he moved on to the next 'bargain'.
Now I've got one of these handles. I didn't pay a fortune but five pence would be too much. I lay in bed in the dead of night, out of this world, to be brought alive by a loud 'clonk'. Fearing burglars, my wife 'ordered' an investigation. I did as I was told, got out of bed, drew myself up to my full 5ft 4 inches and wandered round the house. Unclothed, I would have frightened off any burglar but there were no open doors or windows and certainly no sign of disturbance. Relieved, I now needed relief and headed for the bathroom. I turned on the light and lo and behold, there it was, the source of all our fears. One suction handle, bored with life stuck to a wall now lying happily in the middle of the bath. We did try on other occasions to make our handle secure. But no amount of effort (or spit) secured the damn thing for more than a day. And that was without risking life and limb using the thing for its intended purpose.
I was going to write to the shopping channel to complain. I have a very posh pen. I bought it half price in a shop in Ilkeston. I've always liked unusual things and this 'biro' lights up as well as writes. Only it doesn't. Light up or write I mean. It steadfastly refuses to do either, never has done, never will do. Such is life.
What intrigues me, are there inventors out there designing useless objects to sell to fools like me. Are there goods out there I've yet to come across equally pathetic on which I can spend my pitiful pension. (My wife bought a long handled dustpan from a market recently. The handle refused to stay on after two weeks and has now been binned. Yet I have a twenty year old yard brush that has only had two new heads and three new handles.)
Have any of my readers got one of these handles that actually stays on the wall? And have you any items, gadgets or similar that have proved useless in the extreme. (I'm not too impressed with lawn strimmers I've owned.) Surely its not just me and mine!
By the way, the suction handles have their uses. Dogs love to retrieve them, they're durable and don't travel too far when thrown. Perhaps relabeled 'Dog Throws' would be more honest!

26 comments:

Von said...

You bet, looks a great dog toy.Anything not screwed down has my suspicious regard.
I was out last night with mums and girls.One of the girls had a lightup lipstick with a mirror on the side..for clubs she explained.Maybe you could get one for the wife.

Uncle Bernard (KD) said...

If you have bathrooms tiles...make sure the suction cups are clear of the grouting in the cracks. If you have 3" tiles this is probably impossible. To test the suction cups for leaks....stick the handle onto the bathroom mirror. Glass is the flattest surface in house. If it doesn't stay put on the mirror...you have been sold a dud.
Cheers Bernard

slommler said...

ROFL!! Yep! A great dog toy is what you have there. And one gorgeous dog as well!
Snuggies are all the rage here and I, of course got one. Got mine and the sleeves are 10 feet long and so is the main part of the Snuggie. You can't go anywhere once you put it on and the whole back is out...so you back stays chilled. Oh well...looks good on the back of my chair in all it's pinkness!
Hugs
SueAnn

The Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Oh boy...this reminds me of my mother and all the useless things she used to order! The knife set that was supposed to dice and slice anything, even tin cans, and stay sharp. Well..actually... they worked just fine until I used the set to actually cut soda cans in half. I have never forgotten the smacking I got after that. Like you, I wanted to write that company and let them know about their stinking product and the whipping I got because of it. Post brought back a lot of memories....

liZZie said...

Superglue or 'Hard as Nails' comes to mind. I'm glad for the out of work actors that work on those shopping channels, but sadly do they not realise that by doing so they will never tread the boards again.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

I try not to be drawn into these deals but I know what you mean about the older stuff lasting longer (apart from us oldies that is!)...we have an OKO Lavamat washing machine still going at full speed almost 20 years later.

I like Miele vacuum cleaners but the last batch are less superior than the older clunky ones. You get far less "wire" on the newer models. Every time I try to go at a long stretch of carpet it inevitably pulls itself out of the socket. Aaaggh!

Nota Bene said...

Ah yes...I bought a long flexible thing which had a strong magnet and a light on the end for picking up things that had fallen in awkward places. The light doesn't work and the magnet is too weak to pick up a pin...

Gill - That British Woman said...

I love how you write Ken, you are funny, glad you have found a good use for the handle...

Gill in Canada

cheshire wife said...

Thank you for the tip. We had thought about getting suction handles to put up when MIL comes but after reading your post we shall save ourselves the bother.

Kath said...

My MIL loves her gadgets and loves the shopping channel. Her son has inherited the gene and I have to hide all those little booklets and leaflets that come slipped inside ones TV times or pushed through the front door. The dogs usually shred those for me. We did buy some egg paochers recently, which seem to wrk well, but he had adult supervision while selecting those :D

An English Shepherd said...

Dog toy would be best :-)

Wizz

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Von
Great! Do you mean buy one for the wife or swap one for the wife?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Bernard. I wouldn't trust the thing if it was superglued to the wall! I suspect you get what you paid for!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

slommler
Love the picture in my mind of you in a snuggy. They're advertised over here on tv most weeks. What will summers offering be I wonder.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nakamuras
Great! Isn't it amazing what stays in the mind seemingly for ever.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

liZZie
I can't get on with superglue either. Didn't realise they are proper actors.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Hadriana
One of the problems is we are only buying the 'name'. There is often no connection with the product now and the firm thst made it in our'youth'.Except of course the name. I forget who make Miele now.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Brilliant! Who thinks these things up. And do some of us have a sign saying' sucker' like a halo above our heads.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Gil
Thanks, mind you I'm a right misery on a bad day!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

cheshire wife.
It may be me of course and it may, only may depend on how much you pay.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Kath
An inherited gene, I like it!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

English Shepherd
Big dogs will play with the silly things all day!

Sharon J said...

I had one of those suction handles, too. I bought it to help me get out of the bath. Needless to say, it didn't. In fact, I could have been badly hurt but I was lucky. Bloody things!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Sharon J
Hi
I knew it wasn't just me! Thanks for visiting.

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