Monday, 11 January 2010

Silly Old Granddad loves His Local.

The place is going downhill and I reckon it's Cyril the landlords own fault. Let standards drop, you start to get riff raff in and its the beginning of the end. A bloke came in last night and asked for a BBC; brandy, benedictine and cointreau mixed.
'Shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got' he said, mind you, only after he were served.
'Why's that? 'I said.
''I've only got fifty pence on me' he said.
Cyril were furious. He made him write out a cheque.
'And you can endorse it' said Cyril, mustering his utmost authority.
So the bloke wrote' I think your pubs smashing' on the back. Then he had the cheek to ask for another drink.
Cyril were furious. 'Piss off'' he said.
'Oh dear, in that case I'll have a Whisky' he demanded.
Boy, did we 'ave a job throwing him out. Mind you, we were a bit rough to say the least. Hit his head as he landed on the pavement. Blood everywhere, it were quite scary.
'Where yer bleeding from?' asked Cyril, quite concerned.
'Ilford,' said the customer, 'what's that got to effin do with anything.'
Then he went. We were glad to see the back of him. Who needs his type when we've our regulars to look after.
Old Davey were his usual entertaining self. He'd been to see his brother in the old folks home.
What's your brother like' I asked him.
'Beer, fags and women' he said.
'No,what's he like, like.'
'Fat and ugly' said Davey.
He can be hard work, can Davey.
They try hard at the old folks home. Just before Christmas, as a surprise they had Will Young to lead a sing song. Will enjoyed it but were a bit concerned that nobody seemed to recognise him.
'Do you know who I am?' he asked one old lady.
'No' she answered, 'but if you ask one of the nurses I'm sure they'll tell you.'
The old man in the next chair looked a bit strange. Davey couldn't help staring.
'He's got a glass eye' said his brother.
'How do you know?' asked Davey.
'It just came out when we were talking.' said his brother.
There's no answer to that.
I went and sat with one armed Wally for a while. He were singing to himself, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' Its not unusual. He lives in a world of his own at times.
He's not the sharpest, is Wally. He went in the ironmongers in the week for some screws.
'How long do you want them' asked the chap behind the counter.
'Well I was hoping to keep them for good' said Wally.
Mind you, he's not completely dopey. He went to the bar for another drink. As he picked up his pint his sleeve went in a blokes drink. The chap were not amused.
'What do you think you're doing' the fellow yawped. Wally kept his cool.
'I can't see what all the fuss is about' said Wally, 'there's no arm in it.'
It were all getting too lively for me. I were glad when I'd had enough.
I were going to have something to eat in the pub but they're non too fussy at times. The barman taking a meal to a table didn't half push his hand against the steak.
'That's not very hygienic' I suggested.
'Well I don't want to drop it again' he said.
I went to the fish and chip shop next door instead. I thought the wife might appreciate me taking some chips home.
'Fish and chips twice' I ordered.
'I heard you the first time' the man said.
The wife liked the chips and I reckoned she appreciated my kind gesture. I bet she were right pleased she'd lent me the money to go out. I were feeling quite with it after the antics in the pub. 'You look very youthful in that dress, my dear' I offered.
'It's too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes' she moaned. Oh well, you can't win them all. Women, they're never happy!

(My apologies yet again for the age of the jokes. As I've told you before, my wife says 'The old ones are the best. But she would say that, wouldn't she!)

62 comments:

the fly in the web said...

Well,living with an old one - well retired some time ago -they are certainly the best.

Mark you, I'm not so young myself....

Expat mum said...

That was like a Two Ronnies/Morecambe and Wise script! Brilliant.
I have nothing for my blog tomorrow. I may well send my readers over here if you don't mind!!!

Von said...

Oh yes the old one's are the best and it's how you tell them that counts!
Keep warm and fed.

The Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Thanks for more belly laughs !

Bernie said...

Very entertaining, Is this an account of something that really happened to you or is it a story that you wrote as a author. At any rate, I enjoyed it.

By the way, thanks for stopping by my blog. And thanks for trying to make me think that you thought the girl in the bikini was me. It was fun.

angelcel said...

'Where yer bleeding from? ...Ilford' Perfect! Loved this - thanks for the giggle. :D

Jenny Rudd said...

Your wonderful post reminds me of a very real conversation my father witnessed recently at a supermarket in Lytham, Lancs between two grumpy old men who clearly hadn't seen each other for a while.
GOM1: How are you?
GOM2: Well I woke up this morning so I can't be too bad

Bloody love it

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

a great post for monday morning!just what the doctor wouldve ordered had l gone there!

Valerie said...

On a icy snowbound day your post was just what a needed. I giggled so much I now feel quite warm. Would you believe, there were some gags I hadn't heard before. Brilliant!

MikeH said...

Too funny! Thanks for the laughs.

Granny on the Web said...

It's the way you tell 'em, Ken! Lovely post, and I like the previous one about Rusty the dog... theres a moral somewhere in there.
Love Granny

Gill - That British Woman said...

that's funny........it took me a while to click it was a joke though!!!!!!! I just thought you had some interesting characters at your local!!

You asked about "Team Members" they are people who also contribute to your blog, basically do what you do and have full access to your blog by writing posts on it. Making it a team effort not just you by yourself.

My blog is all my own doing, I don't have team members either, so no one else to blame when it stinks...LOL

Gill in Canada

slommler said...

Wonderful post! Made my Monday just a bit brighter!! Thanks ever so much!!
Hugs
SueAnn

rosiero said...

That made me laugh. You're not Les Dawson reincarnated, are you?

A Heron's View said...

O excellent ! Young man, excellent and neatly stitched together.

EmmaK said...

ha ha very good! Had me rolling about.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Thank you very, very much for the giggles! True, the old 'uns are the best....

cheshire wife said...

We can rely on you to cheer us up Ken!

cheshire wife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
An English Shepherd said...

The old ones are the good ones ;-)

Wizz

Nancy J. Parra said...

Thanks for the laughs! Cheers~

Shammickite said...

Heehee I've been in pubs just like that, great stuff! I'm still larfin'!

Footballers Knees said...

Love your blog. Thanks for the laugh on a rainy and boring Tuesday.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

We can always rely on you to cheer us up Ken.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Oh Ken, I was laughing my AO!
I love, "Where are you bleeding from?", "Ilford!"
The old olds ARE the best!
Great Post and I will have to watch out for more.

I think the Americans would like this as well ~ Eddie

Gill - That British Woman said...

Ken,

You can send as many people as you want my way, I am very grateful. I take it you want me to pop back on the 16th (Satuday)?

Gill in Canada

HER ON THE HILL said...

Love this Ken, it all played out before my eyes as I read (complete with accent, despite my being a southerner!!).

Agree with you too about diaries (previous post). I've kept one on and off for years, but regularly as a child. As you say, the trivial events and feelings of the day are noted, and when you read them you are transported right back there, however many years ago it was. A day lost is a day never refound.

Thanks for popping over to mine, and for your generous comment. I would happily be part of your experiment on the 16th!

Daffodilly said...

I've had a crap day & was directed to your site from Expat Mum.

You cheered me up lad!

Thanks!

Kit Courteney said...

In case you don't read the reply I left you on my blog:

No, of course I don't mind!

And now I'm very curious!

Troy said...

A thoroughly enjoyable read but now you've got me worried - are these new jokes or am I developing dementia?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Fly in the web
Hi I wonder when we become old!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

WExpat Mum
Hi
Thanks, I wondered where some newcomers had come from!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Von
Hi
Thanks. Whats typical Australian humour?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nakamuras.
Hi and thanks.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Bernie
Hi
Thanks and welcome. Not real, at least not all of it!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

angelcel
Hi and welcome!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Jenny Rudd
Hi and welcome.Thought the Lytham bit great. My daughter has just moved from Lytham to st Annes. (Look up Jeff Ascough on the internet.)

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Fat frumpy
Hi and thanks.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Valerie
Hi
I reckon I can do two more then I'll struggle!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Mike h
Hi, thanks. What's typical American humour?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

granny
Hi and thanks on both counts.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Gill
Hi. Your comments made me laugh! And thanks for the explation though I'm not sure why they do that.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

slommer
Hi and thanks

Grumpy Old Ken said...

rosiero
Hi and thanks. I have been to Les Dawsons statue. Its up the road from my daughters!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

a Heron's View.
Thanks and its a long time since I've been called 'young'.!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

EmmaK
Thanks and welcome.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Brighton Mum
Hi
Thanks and welcome.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

cheshire wife
Hi
I must admit I struggle to be serios for long.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

English Shepherd
Hi
Glad you young 'uns appreciate my rubbish!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nancy J Parra
Hi and thanks.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Shammickite
Hi and thanks, love the accent!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Footballers Knees
hi
Thanks and welcome.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Strawberry Jam
Hi and thanks.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Eddie
Hi and thanks. Wonder what the Americans like?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Gill
Hi
Did anyone extra visit, I hope so.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Her on the Hill
Hi
I forget youre not derbyshire born and bred!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Her on the Hill
Did you get any extra visiters.
Re diaries, I wish I'd kept more.Have you kept yours. They are excellent re blogging.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Daffodilly
Welcome and thanks.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Kit
Hi. Did you get any extra visiters?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Troy
Hi
Do those who've lost it know they've lost it!

Jeanne said...

Your wife sounds quite the diplomat!

I make it a point never to encourage Old Dog....

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