Dear Old December. Grumpy's Alternative News.

Lets start with two or three animal stories, always good for a smile.

I'm pleased that Eskimo, a reindeer in Edinburgh Zoo survived keyhole surgery and so had a good Christmas. I thought the octopus in Bali that stacks up coconut shells for later use is very clever. What a useful shelf stacker he would be in Sainsbury's. But I don't reckon much of the insurance company who refused to pay out for damage by a cow in Tennessee, suggesting the householder was not covered for 'acts of cow'. Blimey, they want to be careful they don't accidentally pay out on a claim. That wouldn't do, would it chaps. Mind you, they're safe where flying saucers are concerned, at least here in Britain. The MOD has closed its UFO unit. After over fifty years of existence it has never had one single report of a real threat. The man in charge has moved to another job, a saving of £44,000.

A couple of figures for those amongst you who are into numbers. A Japanese man set a new world record for a hand launched paper aircraft, which flew for 26.1 seconds. And a novice won the World Pie Eating Championship in Wigan, eating a meat and potato pie in 43 seconds. As Michael Caine would say, 'Not a lot of people know that!'

Talking of eating, one of Britain's most wanted men, Adam Hart, tried to eat his SIM card when arrested in Amsterdam by a Fast Response Unit. If he needs a prescription for stomach ache, he must be careful where he gets it. Evidently The British Pharmacological Society are concerned too many student doctors rely on pharmacists and nurses to correct their errors. Be warned!

I see the Politically Correct brigade are still with us. Sudbury Town Council have banned the traditional bingo phrases at their weekly sessions in the town hall, not wishing to be sued. Henceforth number 88 is no longer to be known as 'two fat ladies'. (Actually there had been no complaints). Whose right in these sensitive times. And talking of sensitivity, I see Jonathan Ross has offered to take a pay cut. Evidently he told the BBC he realises there is a downturn and he is humble, sources said. So he offered to take a 50% cut to £3,000,000 a year. (His contract runs out in the summer.) How nice of you, Jonathan. **** ***!

Two little titbits for our Scottish friends. I see the portrait of Bonnie Prince Charlie in the Scottish National Portrait Gallery, thought to be the definitive image is not so defininitive after all. Evidently its a portrait of his brother Henry. Not bad, its only taken 150 years to realise the mistake. I reckon someone's been on the Tokeo beer brewed by BrewDog of Fraserburgh. A glass or two of that, 18.2% strength and you wouldn't know Bonnie Prince Charlie from Queen Victoria. And probably wouldn't care too much either!

Some unconscious humour that made me smile. Neil Fingleton is a 7 feet 7 and a half inch giant who is thrilled to bits to be in the pantomime at Poole. Guess which part. But it was his comments that made me smile. He said he was very pleased to be in the pantomime and would like to get more roles. 'I want to be recognised as an actor, but I understand I'm always going to be typecast.' Neil, I suspect you have hit it in one.

Finally a little competition for anyone bored with having nothing to do. New York City's health department is running a competition to design the city's official condom wrapper. A limited edition design to keep people 'excited' about safe sex. I have some very talented readers out there. Any takers!

Happy New Year Everyone.