Friday, 1 January 2010

Dear Old December. Grumpy's Alternative News.

Lets start with two or three animal stories, always good for a smile.
I'm pleased that Eskimo, a reindeer in Edinburgh Zoo survived keyhole surgery and so had a good Christmas. I thought the octopus in Bali that stacks up coconut shells for later use is very clever. What a useful shelf stacker he would be in Sainsbury's. But I don't reckon much of the insurance company who refused to pay out for damage by a cow in Tennessee, suggesting the householder was not covered for 'acts of cow'. Blimey, they want to be careful they don't accidentally pay out on a claim. That wouldn't do, would it chaps. Mind you, they're safe where flying saucers are concerned, at least here in Britain. The MOD has closed its UFO unit. After over fifty years of existence it has never had one single report of a real threat. The man in charge has moved to another job, a saving of £44,000.
A couple of figures for those amongst you who are into numbers. A Japanese man set a new world record for a hand launched paper aircraft, which flew for 26.1 seconds. And a novice won the World Pie Eating Championship in Wigan, eating a meat and potato pie in 43 seconds. As Michael Caine would say, 'Not a lot of people know that!'
Talking of eating, one of Britain's most wanted men, Adam Hart, tried to eat his SIM card when arrested in Amsterdam by a Fast Response Unit. If he needs a prescription for stomach ache, he must be careful where he gets it. Evidently The British Pharmacological Society are concerned too many student doctors rely on pharmacists and nurses to correct their errors. Be warned!
I see the Politically Correct brigade are still with us. Sudbury Town Council have banned the traditional bingo phrases at their weekly sessions in the town hall, not wishing to be sued. Henceforth number 88 is no longer to be known as 'two fat ladies'. (Actually there had been no complaints). Whose right in these sensitive times. And talking of sensitivity, I see Jonathan Ross has offered to take a pay cut. Evidently he told the BBC he realises there is a downturn and he is humble, sources said. So he offered to take a 50% cut to £3,000,000 a year. (His contract runs out in the summer.) How nice of you, Jonathan. **** ***!
Two little titbits for our Scottish friends. I see the portrait of Bonnie Prince Charlie in the Scottish National Portrait Gallery, thought to be the definitive image is not so defininitive after all. Evidently its a portrait of his brother Henry. Not bad, its only taken 150 years to realise the mistake. I reckon someone's been on the Tokeo beer brewed by BrewDog of Fraserburgh. A glass or two of that, 18.2% strength and you wouldn't know Bonnie Prince Charlie from Queen Victoria. And probably wouldn't care too much either!
Some unconscious humour that made me smile. Neil Fingleton is a 7 feet 7 and a half inch giant who is thrilled to bits to be in the pantomime at Poole. Guess which part. But it was his comments that made me smile. He said he was very pleased to be in the pantomime and would like to get more roles. 'I want to be recognised as an actor, but I understand I'm always going to be typecast.' Neil, I suspect you have hit it in one.
Finally a little competition for anyone bored with having nothing to do. New York City's health department is running a competition to design the city's official condom wrapper. A limited edition design to keep people 'excited' about safe sex. I have some very talented readers out there. Any takers!

Happy New Year Everyone.

36 comments:

Daphne said...

I really enjoyed reading this - thank you! (Sorry my comment's not witty or even particularly interesting - - but I DID enjoy your post!)

VioletSky said...

I like being updated by your alternative news!
Happy new Year to you, Ken.

slommler said...

NYC official condom wrapper?? Now I have heard it all!! LOL!!! I can't wait to see what they come up with. Come up...ROFL...!!!!
I know, pretty bad but just had to do it.
Happy New Year
Hugs
SueAnn

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Enjoyed your latest "alternative news" and also the summary of the past year's events. Looking forward to reading more in 2010. Happy New Year. A x

The Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Still laughing....great post..way better than watching Fox News..!I love it!

Dumdad said...

Great stuff. Keeping on grumping!

And a very Bonne Année to you

Gill - That British Woman said...

can't say I had read any of these stories prior to your post.......you can certainly pick them!!

Gill in Canada

Eva Gallant said...

A lot of info there! Fun!

Thanks for visiting my blog!Hope you stop by often!

GooseBreeder said...

Jonothan Ross humble...that's a turn up!
Well you know it's nice for every city to have it's own condom wrapper.It could catch on.Interesting to see what that much photographed town in France comes up with...the one named Condom.
Happy New Year!

Molly Potter said...

Thank you again Grumpster.
You're a top notch researcher and I don't know how you find these things - very entertaining!

Hilary said...

What a fun post this was. As for the condom campaign, if I was artistic, I'd design something that would look good with "Keeping the Big Apple seed safe."

Kristina P. said...

I am totally going to design a condom wrapper.

It will be very uplifting. ;)

Happy New Year!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, you are too funny!!!! Love your lighthearted take on the "news" of the day!!! You've given us "the rest of the news..." Great post!!! Happy, happy New Year, my friend! Hugs, Janine

Shammickite said...

At last... the news that is too funny to print just in case it might cheer us all up and we wouldn't want that would we? oh no, lets just publish the bad news, that's what sells newspapers.....

fizzycat said...

Brilliant, loved the bit about the octopus.
All the best for The New Year.

mutleythedog said...

Happy New year to you as well Ken. Pedigree is a great pint - best taken in my view in The Plough in Horninglow. I will let you know when I next head that way....lets stay in touch in 2010!

Reasons said...

NYC official comdon wrapper? I've really heard it all now! Wonderful post.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Daphne
Hi. Your comments are warm, that in itself is great. Thank you.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

VioletSky
Hi. Thanks and happy new year to you.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

slommler
Hi.Thanks. ROFL? You've lost me again! Us old uns are not with it like you young uns!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Anne
Hi. Thanks. Hope the new year treats you well.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nakamuras on Saipan
Thanks for kind words and thanks for visiting.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Dumdad.
Thanks and the same to you.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Gill
Thanks. My mind always has been a bit odd.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Eva Gallant
Hi Thanks for visiting. Will be back to yours now I know you're in!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

GooseBreeder
Hi
Interesting, didn't know the french town!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Molly
hi
funnily enough they're the little side bits in the Times I bet their posh readers dont bother with.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Hilary
Hi artistic you may not be but witty, yes!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Kristina P
Hi
Bet you dont but very witty!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Sniffles and Smiles
Hi
Thanks for kind words. Happy new year.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Shammickite
Hi
Do you ever see the Mail and the Express over here. They are dreadful yet some of like minds must buy them.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Fizzycat
Hi
And a happy new year to you.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

mutleythedog
Hi
Interesting. Used to buy home brew supplies in bulk in Rolliston in my teaching days.Might well see you one day but dont forget Im a decrepit geriatric.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Reasons
hi
Welcome and thanks.

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