February, a Monster of a Month. Grumpy's Alternative News.

I see the world is still full of idiots, so lets get rid of them first. The Members of Parliament who made fun of a fellow MP's speech impediment (the MP in question suffers from cerebral palsy) are pathetic in the extreme. No action was taken, which tells you much about the people who are in charge of us. (Plus at least six of them are using 'the system' to keep their finances secret through so called 'blind trusts'; including cabinet members Kenneth Clarke, Chris Huhne and Francis Maude.) The people in charge of Barnsley charged a resident £4,000 for a 1.7 square foot of land to complete an extension. In Oldham councillors have suggested a 'fat tax' of £1000 in order to fight obesity. Kebab and fish and chip shops would be particularly affected. Undoubtedly 'Big Brother' is watching you in Oldham. A parish council near Norwich ordered a bowls club to stop giving council staff £20 at Christmas for keeping the bowling green so well, its a bribe you see, or so the council decreed. HMS Cumberland was diverted to the Libyan coast to evacuate Britains (and others) from this warring country. And where was it going, on its way to be scrapped of course.

The EU looks like its going to decide we in Britain can't discriminate between sexes concerning insurances of cars or anything else for that matter; the fact that our female friends are a proven better risk no matter. The mayor of Chita (Siberia) upset many, (I hope it was all) by voicing regret that the authorities did not have the power to shoot the homeless. Not that our American friends fare any better. Texas looks like deciding some 500,000 students in 38 universities can carry concealed weapons. No matter that 70% of Texans oppose it. In all these cases the suggestion is that those in charge know best. All these cases, important or otherwise suggest 'power corrupts'.

Various 'titbits', totally unrelated that caught my eye. Sumo wrestling in Japan is in disarray with allegations of match fixing. If it's proved bang goes hundreds of years of history. I wonder if Sumo wrestlers get bad backs. A fossilised spine found in northern Spain suggests man suffered from bad backs 4.4 million years ago. I bet the people from Newcastle-under-Lyme get bad backs, they top the bin league table with nine separate receptacles for rubbish. You'd need a beer after taking that lot out on collection day. Though probably not 'Purple Hand' brewed in Mexico City. It's the first beer ever brewed specifically for the gay community. Evidently it tastes like honey. Oh well, whatever turns you on! It's no doubt less harmful than smoking. Which is why America's First Lady is so pleased President Obama has finally quit smoking. Mind you, I then read he's 95% cured. What the heck does that mean. Not that anyone would believe him anyway. Apparently 51% of Republicans believe that President Obama was not born in the USA. Amazing country, amazing people. Doesn't it make you proud to be British! Especially as almost everyone attending a conference at Hugh Hefners Playboy Mansion went down with a form of legionnaire's disease. Daren't say too much, can you come up with your own headlines. I bet Hugh Hefner was annoyed. But not as annoyed as the man who attacked patients with an axe at a medical centre in Madrid. Evidently he had problems getting an appointment!

Animal stories are always interesting even if they show you how preferable animals are to humans. I was saddened to read around 100 sled dogs were slaughtered after a tour company's bookings dropped following the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. And I confess I was less than upset when a man attending a cockfight in Delano, California was stabbed to death by a bird that had a blade attached to its foot. And should I have been amused by the elephant in Pilansberg Game Reserve than mistook a car for a mate, resulting in one overturned car. Less traumatic but again galling, the rare tortoises found in plastic lunchboxes air freighted from Thailand to Coventry. Much more heartening the seal operated on in Paignton Zoo, vets inserting drug implants to save its eyesight. Plus the fox found on the top floor (1.000 feet) of the unfinished Shard Skyscraper in London. (and later released onto the streets of Bermondsy). I noticed the donkey (mentioned in a previous post) whom idiot Russians sent up in a para sailing stunt has died; at least he ended his days in a donkey sanctuary.

Another interesting selection (in this the year of the rabbit, heralding, according to the Chinese a year of peace and prosperity.) And non more so than the newcomer to the Hastings Blue Reef Aquarium. In English, a wedge tail triggerfish. no problem, except that its Hawaiian name is a humuhumunukuapua'a.

Plenty to ponder. In many ways the saddest item was concerning the young lady who travelled to the USA for an illegal buttock enhancement procedure and died from a heart attack after the 'operation'. What a dreadful waste of a young life. The strangest bit of news, the blessing by Roman Catholics bishops of a new iPhone and iPad that allows users to make confessions with a virtual 'priest' over the internet. And two less than world shattering pieces of news. Did you notice James Marcus Smith was charged with benefit fraud in Worcester; who you might ask. Rememember him under his stage name, P J Proby? And I bet you didn't know British postmen use two million red rubber bands every day. The Royal Mail bought four billion rubber bands over the past five years, total cost almost £5 million. And finally one piece of news Grumpy couldn't resist. A snowdrop with a 'sad face', right grumpy has been bred by a snowdrop collector, Joe Sharman and is now part of the national collection at the national Cambo Collection in Fife. (Galanthus elwesii, priced around £100 per bulb.)

Me, I'm off to buy my tickets for the 2012 Olympics, on sale from the 15th March. On second thoughts, with the opening ceremony tickets costing between £20.12 and £2012; men's 100 metres final, £50 t0 £725; number of people registering an interest in tickets 1.7 million, I don't think I'll bother! I predict a shambles is in the making. As George used to say, 'Evening all'.

May Miscellany (Grumpy's Alternative News)

Last month I devoted this space to the animal kingdom. Not surprising when one considers the sheer stupidity and crass bigotry of the human race. For instance, The Trinity Cross of the Order of Trinity, awarded by the Queen in Trinidad (now forty years old) has been declared unlawful as some Muslims and Hindus find the Christian name and cross insignia offensive. Recipients in the past include Garfield Sobers, Brian Lara and the novelist V.S. Naipaul. Add this to the news that a judge at a seminar on domestic violence in Saudi Arabia deemed it OK to slap a wife for lavish spending. 'If her husband slaps her she deserves that punishment.' Normally I tend to avoid contentious issues but surely such cases are fodder for any insidious far right group.

Fortunately there were good stories around. For instance Flight Lieutenant Kirsty Moore will become the first woman pilot to join the Red Arrows when she starts her training in September.

Well done, as a sexagenarian who has never flown in an aeroplane, I salute you.

I'm not so sure about the lady from Brighton fighting Marks and Spencer over its refusal to scrap a £2 surcharge on bras larger than a DD cup. Maybe that's just my male ignorance of the matter, if you wish to 'support' the young lady in question, the campaign is called Busts 4 Justice.

I have sympathy for the 22 stone grandmother who got stuck on the bath for five hours in County Durham, but very little for Tom Riall, aged forty nine. He was banned for doing 102.92mph on the A14 near Newmarket. He is after all a chief executive with Serco, the company that has installed and managed over four thousand speed cameras in Britain since 1992. Plus it was his third speeding offence in two years.

Safety issues seem seldom out of the news. Irish troops serving in Chad have been banned from playing football because of health and safety issues. Evidently the ground is far harder than the ground in Ireland. Now there's a surprise. Soldiering and fighting, fine, no danger, but football, no chance.

Also on safety grounds, Ealing Borough is placing bags on traffic lights at seven junctions. The idea is that motorists and pedestrians will negotiate these junctions using 'eye contact'. (Traffic evidently flowed better the day the lights failed.) Evidently another Boris initiative. Last time it was speeding up the crossing time allowed via the new digital system. I await the results with bated breath.

But once again the animal kingdom excelled when smiles were the order of the day. Urjan, an orang-utan in Heidelberg Zoo has learnt to whistle. (Record coming out in June.) I know plenty of humans who have not mastered the art of whistling. His companion orangs, Gisella and Pujan can't whistle, but they are also talented, both being finger painters. Though probably not as talented as twenty seven year old orang Karta of Adelaide Zoo who used a branch to scale an electric fence and escape.
Contrast these talented animals with Chaddy the Owl, Oldham Athletic's football mascot. He decided to do wheelies on a bicycle before the match at Carlisle. Only he fell off and had to be taken to hospital.
Finally a plea to my reader or readers. Anyone recommend an above average strimmer. We seem to get through more than our fair share. Evidently we are doing it all wrong. The trend now is to go for a wallaby in order to keep your grass down. All you need is around half an acre and a large fence. Cost, male £150, female £600, (albinos are more expensive) and you need one of each as they are social animals. Job done, plus one hell of a talking point at your next cocktail party.
Finally, finally this piece is I hope free from spelling errors. (There are two ways to spell sexagenarian.) Morrisons have withdrawn alphabet building blocks imported from China. Evidently the words 'umbella' and 'yatch' were included in the alphabets words. Only two in twenty six, could be worse!