July, Mad, Bad, Sad etc. Grumpy's Alternative News.

Funny old July, at times I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Gangster Juan Tijerina tried to escape from a Mexican jail curled up inside a wheelie holdall pulled by his fiancee. Evidently on a previous occasion a Mexican once tried to escape across the border into California disguised as a car seat. Is it a 'Latino' quirk? In Spain a man loaded his 'mate' IN a suitcase inside the baggage compartment of a bus. The idea was to rob the other cases in the compartment. (He was caught when somebody noticed a man talking to a suitcase!)

There's a few more jobs around at long last. No takers though for the head of the National Crime Agency (NCA). Only £214,000 a year! Perhaps we're all waiting for William Breathes (a pen name) to resign. He is America's first professional cannabis critic. He tests Colorado's 300 plus cannabis dispensers. (A cannabis plant, alive and thriving was found in a hanging basket in Glastonbury. I reckon someones 'having a larf'. And talking of Glastonbury, TWO TONS of drink cans were weighed in after the Festival this year.) Finally who's going to replace Lalit Mohan Pant, an Indian government doctor in Madhya State who has performed 275,000 vasectomies and female sterilisations in a thirty year career.
Still some strange people about. Andrew Castle was found guilty at Preston Crown Court of trying to kill his wife with a home-made electric chair. I wonder if he studied DIY at night school. A television actress, Jasmine Maddock left her mother's corpse behind a door so she could continue to claim her pension. That's one hell of a doorstop. And Rick Perry sounds 'one hell of a guy.' Evidently he slips on his shoulder holster containing his Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets before he goes out jogging in the morning. Oh, and he's thinking of running for President. 'Texans elect folks like me' he once said and his wife told him 'It was his duty to save America.' (There were at least five people killed in five separate shootings in America in July.) What a mentality!

We're not so gun happy here but we're not perfect. There were over 4,000 incidents of serious violence in schools and colleges per year for the past five years. Weapons seized included swords, knives, axes and a meat cleaver. Talking of schools, over £2,000,000 was paid out in compensation last year. Including, £3,000 (cut by a thorn) £25,000 (falling out of a tree) and £5,000 (wandering off and got lost.) Funny places, schools. Especially the one in Uganda that was using an unexploded bomb as a school bell. Evidently hitting it with stones was ideal for calling children to lessons.

I see a doll of the Queen as a toddler is to go on sale. She was apparently never very keen. Perhaps a toy Mercedes with Hitler in the back is more interesting. Very authentic, the Fuhrer even gives a Nazi salute! Or how about some Orlebar Brown swimmings trunks. All the rage at £150. David Beckham could afford them (What did you think of Harper for his daughter's name) and the man who recently paid £75,000 for a 200 year old bottle of Chateau d'Yquem certainly could. (He's going to drink the wine at a family gathering in 2017.)

Two little items that made me think. After all these years the idea that you need eight glasses of water a day to be healthy has been proved an 'urban myth' according to the British Medical Journal. Similarly the idea that late night eating make you fat has been debunked. When you eat makes no difference. And did you know millions of us do the same thing every day, every week, every year. Evidently 52% of us cook mince and tomatoes on a Monday. And 38% have pasta bake on a Tuesday and 27% have chicken pie on Wednesday (AlertMe). Plus you probably sit down to eat at 5.54pm and go to bed at 10.39pm. You learn something new with Grumpy every post!

Finally two stories concerning the law. A woman hurt by a falling light whilst having sex on a business trip is suing for compensation. The woman, an Australian civil servant says the claim is merited as she was on a business trip!

And to end on a heart warming story. Hannah Jones from Ross-on-Wye went to court, aged thirteen to refuse a heart transplant. She later changed her mind and now aged sixteen, making up for lost time, attended the Glastonbury Festival. In September Hannah starts college. In Hannah's own words, 'How cool is that?'

It might be a mad, bad, sometimes sad world, but by god, it's seldom dull.

How Strange

People fascinate me. When I was at college (on two separate occasions) many years ago I studied psychology as well as numerous other subjects. And boy, was I out of my depth. A village boy with no experience of life I had no real inclination as to what the lectures were about. I remember one learned academic, a right clever so and so, using a tiger going round and round until it turned into butter (where was this story from) to illustrate her pearls of wisdom. Don't ask why, I never did find out. But as the years went by I watched, listened and learnt. And I came to realise 'There's Nowt so strange as Folk'. Which just happens to be the name of a book of short stories I wrote a year or two back. Almost daily I am reminded of this truism.

I drove through Heanor recently, a nondescript if pleasant enough little place. Nothing out of the ordinary except for a fleeting glance of one particular unusual bystander. Male, seemingly aged around seventy, dressed in combat boots, military fatigues plus a bandanna, he invited at least a second glance. The questions invited, who and why.

A large black car embellished with the inscription 'State Patrol', complete with roof light used to park in the next street to mine. It would not have looked out of place in Colorado, but it gained far more attention as it cruised the streets of Derby. And I must admit the rather ancient pseudo ambulance, complete with blue light parked in Leyburn market place in April puzzled me somewhat. Is there something I don't know.

A rough public house of my acquaintance had more than its fair share of unusual customers. The lady who frequently appeared and insisted on reading poetry on every conceivable occasion was at least different. Plus the gentleman with the worst ginger wig I ever saw was difficult to ignore. It sat on his head at an angle that suggested it had just fallen from the sky. I found myself staring with fascinated awe, pretending to look elsewhere whenever he glared menacingly in my direction. But the star for me was the customer who was a security man. At least that's the occupation he claimed. That he was of below average height was of no consequence. His uniform was immaculate and from his belt dangled one of the largest bunches of keys I have ever seen. Yet there was something about him that suggested something was amiss, not quite fitting with his chosen, claimed profession. Was it perhaps the fact that he had one leg considerably shorter than the other, making him sadly extremely lame; walking was for him difficult and laboured, making any occupation difficult and some impossible. There again, who am I to judge my fellow men.

A distant relative once painted his house in stripes whilst in an out of control fit of extreme temper. Yet he was an important man in the mining industry, highly respected and important. A teacher colleague insisted on putting newspaper on any seat prior to him sitting down, This included benches, chairs, even a ride in any vehicle, the most pristine car included was precluded by the obligitory sheet of paper.

So much obscure behaviour. Where does eccentricity end and mental illness begin I wonder. A teacher I knew used to turn his deaf aid off in the classroom. Pandemonium reined supreme, but he was oblivious. Another colleague used to line pencils up and sharpen each in turn. Only he had to have each point exactly level; so he sharpened, over and over again. The former eventually retired happily, the latter was pensioned off and eventually incarcerated in the local hospital.

So many questions, so few answers. At best our differences create variety and help make the world go round. Sometimes, just sometimes there is an edge that we would not willingly go beyond. Do you know individuals who forever remain in your memory. Or are you perhaps one of those individuals who lighten the life of others, however unintentionally!