Thursday, 22 December 2011

Counting down to Christmas, Three Days to Go.

A somewhat naughty post as my older followers will notice. This post is from December 2008. And I'm still here, still posting, three years on.  Thursday, Friday and  and, hey presto, Christmas Eve! Mind you, its been Christmas in the shops since October. Nice though, 'init' really! There's little I want for Christmas, except to be around to enjoy it. How about you? It's a magical time for sure, but it's soon over. And on Saturday, I'll show you 'Granddads Room', an old man's 'folly' if you like. Look forward to showing you around. (And by the way, the beards ready once again!)   

Will the Real Santa Please Stand Up
When you're at your next cocktail party and the conversation flags I'll tell you exactly what to work into the conversation. "I say, Montmorency, do you know how fast facial hair grows." (Facial hair, please, lets keep it clean.) Then you can hold your finger and thumb around half an inch apart (metric equivalent I've no idea) and say "This much in three months." As Michael Caine would say, "Not a lot of people know that."
Now how do I know such things. I know many useless things but nothing remotely useful. For instance, how many bones are there in a giraffes neck. Seven, the same as humans. Cows get up on their front legs first; horses their back legs. Or is it the other way round! Knowledge gleaned from years of laborious book studying. Fine, but not as pleasing as knowledge gained from first hand, personal experience, hard toil suffered over months in the pursuit of excellence. (I've got the feeling my school motto talked of 'the pursuit of excellence', but I digress.)
Two years ago I dressed up as Father Christmas, right down to artificial full-length beard. Elaborate preparations included changing in my motorhome round the corner from my grandchildren and my daughter scattering ‘Reindeer Dust’ on her house front. I walked up the street complete with sack. “Who’s this coming up the road?” Angelina aged five is asked by mother.
“Father Christmas” she replies on cue, eyes wide with amazement. “Who is it?” is enquired of brother Tommy, not yet three. “Santa Granddad” is the instant dismissive reply. Out of the mouth of babes and all that! (In the house later when asked where Santa went he again pointed to me, out of uniform, so to speak. "He's there" he again uttered with unchildlike authority.)
This Christmas, as a favour I am to dress up again as Santa, a favour for some small children I know. And yes, the parents do approve, a consideration that cannot be ignored in this PC inclined, often sinister world. Mind you, for some even Santa himself is considered non PC but what the hell. Plus this year there is to be no artificial beard but the real thing, thus the no trimming agenda since September. And though I am normally a hirsuted individual, its a number four clippered cut rather than Santa's more flowing locks. So the trick is to time the 'no beard trim' period long enough to be a reasonably authentic Father Christmas; but not long enough to give the appearance of Rip Van Winkle or be arrested in the town centre and charged with vagrancy.
I must confess I have had some funny looks from small children recently. And I must also confess I have glared at one or two misbehaving reprobates in the supermarket. Plus the rebuke, "Now stop being naughty, I'm Santa's brother and you'll get 'b' all if you don't be good" has had some amazing effects. (Don't worry or underestimate children, they soon bounce back, honest!)
So the Day of Judgement has arrived. It is twelve weeks since the last trim. Will I convince today's doubting, often streetwise at four infants. Or will I be exposed as just another fraud in a cynical, commercial world. What do you think.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE. MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

11 comments:

the fly in the web said...

And the 2011 version of the beard?

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"And I must also confess I have glared at one or two misbehaving reprobates in the supermarket."

Hahahahhahaha! That had to be most fun. From your photo, you look marvelous. Father Christmas is ready. I truly had no idea one had to plan to get a beard to a certain length. Success for you. Have a grand Christmas.

Star said...

Delightful post, as always. Thanks!

LUCEWOMAN said...

There's a lot to be said for a real beard. A light smear of rouge on each cheek and you will even convince the teens who still want to believe.

Akelamalu said...

You make a wonderful looking Father Christmas and if one pulls your beard they won't be disappointed! How's the publishing going?

Nota Bene said...

I'm convinced...you are the REAL Father Christmas

Wrinkling Daily said...

You look like the one and only to me. How lucky your family is to have you! You're a good sport and have some pretty interesting insight to share. Glad to have found your blog.

cogidubnus said...

Your shops have only been in Christmas mode since October? Lucky you...as soon as August clicked into September, my local superstore rearranged throughout :-( and opened a Christmas aisle...Hence I'm fed up with bloody Christmas before it starts...sad really.

Lynn said...

I would pay good money to watch you glare at the random misbehaving child!!! The beard looks great Ken, hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

kare said...

i Beelieve!

Now, don't forget your cookies and Hot Chocolate waiting by the Hearth!
It's chilly here in Arizona.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I'm just catching up on your posts after my time away and had to laugh at your out-shopping experiences. Big daughter recently shared with me the thrill she got as a little girl,during a pre-Christmas shopping mall trip with her whitely bearded father and overhearing a child ask "Is that Santa?"