October, Often Over the Top. Grumpy's Alternative News.

    Where to start. And surely its people, with all their odd little quirks and idiosyncrasies that make the world go round. Like the benefit claimant in Bolton who claimed he could not walk but was filmed talking part in motocross. (He was a junior champion.) And the man in the wheelchair holding the television on his lap, his mate pushing him as they left the London riots. Charged in October, alongside the man who sold the left handed guitar he stole for £20. He was right handed, true value of the guitar, £1,900. The man who drove round   Denver on a pub crawl with his dead friend in the back. He ran up a bill on his friend's bar tab, said he thought his friend was drunk, not dead! The 76 year old lady in Colchester who was 'chased' by police for seventeen miles at 10mph after she went the wrong way round an island. She says she's going to drive again when her one year ban is served! The 'belligerent' clamper who clamped two unrked police cars on duty at the Queen's visit to Portsmouth.
    People never cease to amaze; sometimes it's serious, sometimes less so. The Paris chief of police has his smart phone stolen on a railway station. (France is in the middle of a campaign warning of the risk of mobile phone thefts.) A man tries to swim home from the pub across the River Arun and gets stuck in the mudflats, to be rescued by the Littlehampton lifeboat. Both men what you might call 'dozy' but not in the same league as the idiot Welsh farmer who left his tractor and farm trailer parked on the railway crossing in South Wales whilst he fed his horses in a neighbouring field. A 75mph collision resulted; fortunately no one was seriously injured. Though I reckon a nine month suspended sentence plus community service was less than he deserved. Plus some people are dangerously malicious. Mandy Fleming of Sheerness drilled three holes in her husband's yacht and turned the gas taps on. Not a happy bunny. But at least her husband survived. Leonora Sinclair wanted to watch Harry Hill's TV Burp on the television, her husband of ten months wanted to watch football. Her answer was to knife him to death with a kitchen knife. Found guilty of manslaughter, she will be sentenced in December. Dangerous people to know. As is Viktor Bout, a former Russian army officer charged with attempting to sell surface-to-air missiles to Columbian Fare guerrillas. Beats small handguns and revolvers any day. Funny if it weren't so frightening.
    Some strange or daft quickies. The Isle of Wight recorded 22mm rainfall in the first half of autumn. (As dry as Marrakesh and four times as dry as Algiers.) The Gemasolar plant is the first solar energy facility to supply power at night. (Don't ask, look it up!) Over fifty Indians have received recycled pacemakers from deceased Americans. The scheme, manged in Mumbai is a world first and has a 98% success rate. (Recycling pacemakers is not permissible in the USA.) Two competitors in a 'world's hottest chilli eating competion' in Scotland went to hospital after eating chilli made from Bhut Jolokia chilli. As one competitor stated 'I have never endured such pain in my life.' Finally for this section. A man from Ilford, who has feet size 13 and 14 and a half ordered slippers from Hong Kong. Someone read 14.5 as 1.450, the result, a slipper that is roughly 7 feet long. You couldn't make it up! (The owner is going to try to sell it on line.)

    Animal news invariably lightened the month. The elephant born at Whipsnade was quite an elephant. For a start he was two months overdue. That made it a 700 day pregnancy. Yet he was a mere 16 stone. Plus he couldn't reach to suckle. No problem, he quickly learnt to stand on his toes. Sophie the 17 year old giraffe at Blair Drummond Safari Park in Stirling had a pedicure problem which made walking difficult. Sedated and hooves clipped with giant metal clippers and Sophie now has a spring in her step. The meltdown at Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan affected animals as well as humans. But note the new look dogs in their raincoats, made to prevent nuclear contamination. A canine fashion statement, I  hope they work.

    But the picture that most caught my eye were the rare whooping cranes, the largest and rarest bird in North America. Birds are reared from incubators in Wisconsin. The birds at the chosen time are trained to follow a microlight (their surrogate mother) on a 1,285 mile journey across seven states and involving 23 stops; ten birds, destination, Florida. Winter in Florida and, as if by magic, they return to Wisconsin unaided. A nature programme in its eleventh year, an American success story. 

Nothing a wee bit risque this month. Oh, go on then!

    Round the world sailor Florence Arthaud was 'Having a tinkle over the rail without attaching myself as usual' she told rescuers off Corsica after she fell overboard.  In the water for ninety minutes, she was saved by her phone call on her waterproof mobile phone to her mother who alerted the coast guards. A beauty queen  from Horfield fled the Miss Asia Pacific World contest in South Korea after being groped and offered votes in exchange for sex. And a women teacher admitted groping a Virgin Atlantic steward at 33,000 feet. The teacher, by the way was drunk and the steward was male!

    A topless portrait of Nell Gwyn painted around 1680  has gone on show at the National Portait Gallery. Topless, having had clothes removed that were added by a restorer in the 19th century. A lot less offensive than the so called 'lady' who partially bit off her partners scrotum in Newcastle. The injury required 19 stitches, she appears in court for sentence on Friday (11th November).

    The Bhutan archery-loving herdsmen are forsaking their traditional pastime in order to concentrate on collecting a parasitic fungus found only in the high Himalayas. Cordyceps sinensis fungus is highly prized and can fetch as much as £50,000 a kilogram in Hong Kong. Evidently its not called the Himalayan Viagra for nothing. Mind you, sounds a bit expensive, hooray for the NHS!

Finally the saying 'Don't try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs' springs to mind. The Portsmouth 60+ Festival advertised a session to help participants 'get the most out of their sex life.' I could really go to town on this one but I would be banned from the Internet. Suffice to say only four turned up and the sessions were cancelled. I reckon if we 'old uns' don't know what we are doing by now, we might as well give up. I feel 'right funny' even thinking about it. I'm off for a lie down!