Friday, 24 September 2010

For Intellectuals and the lntelligentsia only.

I have just acquired three new books. All of the highest academic value. Plus I realise my readers follow this blog for its high intellectual content. So I would like to share my newest knowledge with you in the hope that you too will become fountains of knowledge, able to confound and astound at the next cocktail party you attend.
Did you know, for instance that the Chinese CD 'Fifty Favourite Chinese Children's Songs' includes: 'How Wonderful the School Campus Is', 'Whenever I Walk Past the Teacher's Window' and 'We Want to be Good Children of Lei Feng Type'. Impressed? I thought so! And did you know that 'Ear Pull' is one of the events in the Eskimo-Indian Olympics held annually in Fairbanks, Alaska. (A tug-of-war between two people joined with string looped round their ears. People occasionally lose an ear, but indeed a rarity, all right.)
At important events your medical knowledge is always worthy of an airing.
'Oh, I realised he was suffering from 'Alice in Wonderland Syndrome' will be received with incredulity. (A psychological condition where the patient feels that their body is much smaller or bigger than it is.) Not that you need to over impress with medical science. There is room for small talk, ever helpful in putting at ease those suffering anxiety at such gatherings.
'Do you realise minuscule is the most commonly misspelled word in English' never fails to show your grasp of the language, at the same time raising you to the position of English language supremo.
'Closely followed by millennium, embarrassment and occurrence' you can add for final effect.
If this in any way is seen as 'showing up' the recipient choose small talk that is interesting if not particularly challenging.
'Oh how I enjoyed Enid Blyton's Secret Seven as a child,' reeling off the names of all seven with reckless abandon always impresses. (Barbara, Jack, Colin, Pam, George, Janet, Peter). Or how about 'Did you know Staten Island was included in a list of the world's worst smells.' (Also included was skunk spray, baby sick, boiled urine, well-used trainers, brussel sprouts, egg sandwiches, dog farts and bad breath.) By the way, my American friends, is Staten Island really that bad?
So there you are. And just a little something to clinch that number one spot on the cocktail circuit. Did you know that 'Like a sausage or snake, but with cracks on the surface' is number four on the Bristol Stool Form Scale. (Number one is 'separate hard lumps like nuts'.) Take a tip, if you want to be number one, its all to do with perseverance. (Also on the list of misspelt words.) Me, I'm just going to see my friend whose recently been diagnosed as suffering from Jerusalem Syndrome. Oh well, it could be worse, Diogenes Syndrome is worse, much worse,
Vitamin by Roddy Lumsden
Short List Top Tens published by Collins
Top 10 of Britain published by Hamlyn

10 comments:

slommler said...

Ha!!! Now this was so informative!! And the "stool" formation was just what I needed in my head today!!!! I mean, seriously! And I wish I could tell you about Staten Island, but I have never been there. I am sure someone from the States will share this bit of wisdom with us all very soon!
Hugging you
SueAnn

Rock Chef said...

Hm, I did a number 4 this morning! [Chuckle]

I thought I had Jerusalem Syndrome last night - I was singing it as I cycled home!

Thanks for this invaluable guide, by the way, I will try to use some of this over the weekend.

the fly in the web said...

Thanks to you, I will no longer be the wallflower at the gin and tonic sessions so beloved of the British expat.....produce this lot and i shall be subject to a life time ban!
Yet another vital service your blog provides....

Jennyta said...

Believe it or not, Ken, Elder Daughter used to have a poster of the Bristol stool form scale on her bathroon wall - yes, really!

Valerie said...

I wonder if 'ear-pull' would qualify for the 2012 Olympics ... or maybe it could be used on ASBOs ... it might be more shaming than the 'village stocks' now that attitudes are more relaxed in that area. I'm resolving to watch my spelling in future....grins

'Cross the Pond said...

I was also an Enid Blyton addict as a child - I just blogged about finally seeing conker wars in action. As a former New Yorker I can assure you that all of Staten Island does not stink - it's quite lovely in parts - especially the Japanese gardens. It's the gawd-awful Fresh Kills landfill on Staten Island that reeks - it used to be the largest landfill in the world opened in the 40's - so it's a stinker!

Freda said...

I was an early fan of Enid Blyton but my favourites were The Famous Five and the Mallory Towers series. Thanks for the hints and tips!

Troy said...

I can't believe you've divulged the names of the Secret Seven.

Nick said...

'Fifty Favourite Chinese Children's Songs'

I'm going to have to get the CD to find out if this is 50 Chinese children singing their favorite songs or 50 songs that are the favorites of Chinese children, or.... oh, never mind

Hadriana's Treasures said...

I was an Enid Blyton fanatic too! :)