Friday, 9 July 2010

Don't Laugh, it's Not Funny.

Some things in the June news made me laugh and they shouldn't have. Perhaps laugh is the wrong word. The two homeless men who sold a man they killed to a kebab stall is not funny. But what caught my eye was the fact that nothing was found when the stall was searched. The two men ate most of him and nothing remained when the stall was examined. 'The meat, from the deceased victim had already been cooked or sold, an investigator said. Moral, don't buy kebabs from stalls in Moscow.
People never cease to amaze. Three strange men, take your pick. The seventeen stone burglar in Devon caught trying to wriggle through a two foot hole he had made in order to get into a departmental store. One, he inevitably got wedged and two, his wriggling set off the burglar alarm. Or how about the idiot rescued in the middle of the night a mile off Bournmouth in a four foot long toy boat, equipped with only one paddle, a sandwich and a drink. Perhaps the south excels when it comes to complete fools. Phillip Northmore wanted to look smart in court when accused of shoplifting in Exeter. So he stole a suit on his way there and was promptly apprehended. In court he admitted the offence, along with drunkenness, criminal damage and breaching a suspended jail term. I'm not sure the collective term for all three, any suggestions?
I thought the last gentleman mentioned at least showed initiative. Governments and their ilk are always imploring us to show 'initiative'. The man in Chatham ordered to tidy up his garden following a visit by environmental health officers after complaints from neighbours showed initiative. The next time his garden was inspected it was spotless. Gone were the bin bags, fridges, vacuum cleaners and microwaves. Only when the officers looked over his five feet fence they saw next door's garden contained, bin bags, fridges, vacuum cleaners and microwaves. Which cost James Sullivan £185 in fines for the easy answer to his problem. Could be worse, he could live next door to you!
(Talking of living next door, how would next door be advertised in the estate agent's window. Estate agent Simon Ward believes in being honest. He described one house in Bournmouth as 'A sorry home that needs gutting.' He said of another, 'I apologise for the lack of photographs but I didn't really fancy spending too long in there.') Not that everyone is so honest; mind you, some are too honest. A drunken driver trapped in his overturned car in Auckland opened another can of beer whilst he waited for emergency services to arrive. Asked how much he had consumed, he replied, 'I've been drinking for four days straight.' His honesty cost him £525 in fines and a ten month ban.
No, not everyone is honest. A student in Oxford 'stole' his own bicycle nine times using bolt cutters to see if any member of the public would challenge him. And how many did so? One, and he took no action.! It's easier to look the other way. Perhaps if the bikes were wired up to the 'mains ' it would be the 'shock' some people need. Too drastic? Maybe. But officials in Cape Town have come up with a 'bright idea'. Thieves keep stealing the cables to the street lights. So now they leave the lights on during the day. A shocking idea? Try cutting through live cables, definitely a painful experience!
The three men offering The Ritz Hotel for sale, price £250 million were not exactly honest either but they certainly showed initiative.Terence Collins, a London property dealer jumped at the chance to buy. He's no fool concerning property and knew full well The Ritz was worth £600 million of anybodies money. Mr Collins knows a bargain and transferred £1 million to the accounts of Mr Patrick Dolan and Mr Anthony Lee as a down payment. Unfortunately the Ritz belongs to the Barclay brothers, Sirs David and Frederick, owners of The Daily Telegraph. The trial of Patrick and Anthony proceeds, no sign of the million pound deposit. Didn't the name of the men's solicitor ring alarm bells. 'Conn' Farrell, I ask you! You couldn't make it up!
Finally a man after Grumpys own heart. A Dutchman in the village of Minnertsa lived with his four siblings and was evidently an awkward old so and so, Described as 'Used to being obeyed and quick to anger.' So when he said he was not to be disturbed in his bedroom they followed his instructions. His body was found in bed four years later!

20 comments:

the fly in the web said...

As to the Dutchman...that'll learn him.

Nota Bene said...

A fine round up of the things that make the world go round - thanks!

Expat mum said...

Great post. Hmmm - "drunkeness, criminal damage and breaching a suspended jail sentence". I'd skip the charges and move straight onto "You're nicked mate".

Valerie said...

What a difference in the first and last accounts... the first had me shuddering with horror, the last had me shaking with laughter.

http://tinyurl.com/35obqe5

Moannie said...

This is fun...I missed most of them. What would we do for laughs without the incompetant burglar.

Hadriana's Treasures said...

kebabs...wouldn't touch them with a barge pole...maybe just as well????

Dumdad said...

Great blogpost. What a world we live in!

Rosalind Adam said...

Glad to say I've never eaten at a kebab stall - phew! So many fascinating news items here and, like you say, you couldn't make it up.

Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Sorry- I admit- I laughed my arse off...great stuff!

Shammickite said...

Crikey! You certainly find the best news snippets to tell us about. Much better than all the bad news that I hear on CBC.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Fly in the web
Wasn't too popular, was he. Reminds me of a neighbour!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nota Bene
Thanks!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Expat Mum
I wonder if some ever learn in their lves, become old lags i suppose.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Valerie
Life is definitely strange!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Moannie
They pick the wrong career, these people. Mind you, what else could they do!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

hadriana's Treasures
You do wonder what they can put in stuff if they so wish!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Dumdad
I suppose it takes all sorts as they say!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Rosalind Adam

Welcome, glad you liked it!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nakamuras
Glad you liked it. Sometimes you do wonder a little if you might upset someone.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Shammickite
Can I get a job with CBC? Minimum wagec £5 80? an hour?