Saturday, 8 May 2010

Where's Silly Old Granddad, Not Gone to the Pub Again!

You need a good pub, now the football seasons over. And if you need cheering up, who's better than Cyril the landlord. Lionel Richie and Bruce Forsyth were in front of me when I went to the bar. 'Hello lads,' sez Cyril, 'Why the long faces?' He has a way with words, has Cyril.
'Not seen them in before' I offered. Worst thing I could have said. It doesn't need much to get Cyril going.
'Been one of them days' he sez, 'you wouldn't believe what a morning I've had, nothing but trouble. Had a pair of jump leads in earlier, too much to drink. I settled 'em. Don't start anything I sez. They could see I meant business.
Mind you, not as bad as the battery acid and fireworks that came in yesterday. The police carted them off in the end.'
I knew I shouldn't but I never learn.
'What happened to them' I enquired.
'Charged one and let the other off' sez Cyril triumphantly.
I were glad to sit down. Old Harry, Davey and one armed Wally, they were all there. Plus Wally's lad, Montmerency. Not the sharpest, is Monty, but then, neither is his dad.
Old Davey looked right posh. He had on his new cardigan, jumper, pullover thingy his missus had knitted him.
'Very nice,' I said. Davey took a deep breath.
'She said it's from the Angora rabbit bred for its long hair, as distinct from mohair, which comes from the Angora goat. The rabbits originate in Ankara, Turkey and were popular with French Royalty in the mid 1700's. There are four breeds, English, French, Giant and Satin. Known for its softness, Angora fibres are hollow.'
'It's a beautiful yarn' I said 'and you tell it so well.'
Monty fetched a round of drinks, second week running. I'm glad he came but I knew he'd have trouble with Cyril. Sure enough he were moaning like hell when he came back.
'Dog Almighty,' said Monty (did I mention Monty were dyslexic), 'Dog Almighty, I'm sure that man's crackers. Told me he'd had a cowboy in last night. Dressed completely in brown paper. Brown paper trousers, brown paper waistcoat and a brown paper hat. Said he'd just come out of prison.
Now I'm easily taken in, but not twice in one night so I said nowt.
Wally were not so sharp. 'Did he say what for, our Monty.'
'Rustlin' said Monty. The funny thing is, I reckon he believed 'im.
Old Harry were quiet.
'What's the matter Harry,' says I.
'Been to the doctors' said Harry. 'I told 'im, doctor, I keep seeing this spinning insect.'
'And what did he say, Harry?'
'He said, not to worry, it's just a bug that's going round.'
Poor old Harry. He never seems to be very lucky. He went to the market to buy a camourflage jacket but he couldn't find one. An' while he were out a bloke went to his door an' said he were looking for organ donors. Poor old Harry, his wife gave him his prized piano.
I did think of having something to eat but last weeks little episode put me off. I had a ploughman's lunch. He weren't half mad. I fancied the chicken salad but it looked a bit ropey.
'How do you prepare the chicken?' I asked Cyril.
'I just sez to it, come here, I'm going to kill you' sez Cyril.
Talking about things ropey, bumped into Rough Rita and her new baby in the passageway on my way out.
'Nice baby' I said to be polite, 'just like his father.'
'Very true' said Rita, 'pity he's not more like my husband.' They don't call her Rough Rita for nothing.
Made me feel almost lucky to have my missus waiting for me at home. So much so I thought I'd take her something home to surprise her.
I hobbled over to the ice cream van in the square.
'Two choc ices please.' I said.
'Crushed nuts?' said the ice cream man.
'No, it's my darned arthritis playing up' said I.
The wife enjoyed her choc ice. The way she smiled reminded me of long ago. In our younger days she said I had the body of a god, and I thought she was over sexed. Now she's over sex but I've still got the body of a god. What a pity its Budda. Oh well, silly old granddad can but dream!

15 comments:

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

The old ones are the best Ken though I have to admit some of them were new to me. Good chuckle to start the day anyway. A

Dumdad said...

Ho, ho. Nice way to start the weekend. Hope you have a grand one.

GrumpyRN said...

Excellent as ever Ken, keep em coming.

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

This made me smile. Do you write these yourself?

Kitty said...

Thank you Ken - you made me smile broadly on this wet, grey Saturday :) x

Troy said...

This was a good antidote to the depressing news. Apparently a 59 year old man is still squatting in a very expensive Georgian property in central London and the rightful occupant can't get him out.

Shammickite said...

'Charged one and let the other off'
GROAN!
'It's a beautiful yarn and you tell it so well.'
Groaning louder.
'it's just a bug that's going round.'
Banging head on the wall while groaning.
But giggling at the same time.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Anne
Ta! Corny aren't they!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Dumdad.
Thanks, we old 'uns must stick together!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Grumpy RN
Thanks. Wonder if I can do another, running out of lines!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Addy
Nothing original, I'm afraid. Taken from every source known to man!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Ken
Thanks. See next post, I was in skeggy saturday, just like mid winter!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Troy
I'm thinking of squatting in your new purchase! Glad to see we finished miles above Ipswich. Well, one goal higher!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Shammickite
My kids think my jokes are terrible. i wonder why!

Jeanne said...

That may be the longest string of terrible puns I've ever read.

And I'm grinning from ear to ear....