Thursday, 8 April 2010

Goodbye Mad March. Grumpy's Alternative News.

So what did March bring? Lets start with something to test the taste buds. I hope you enjoyed your Easter Eggs. Did you have one of Waitrose's Ostrich eggs? They are the equivalent of twenty four hen's eggs. Mind you, they cost £18.99 each and take up to an hour and a half to boil. Expensive but no worse than the carrot plugs sold by Gardening Direct . 'Which' reported that each carrot grown would cost £1.00.
I see that Yorkshire rhubarb was awarded Protected Designation of Origin status. (Joining Cornish sardines, Melton Mowbray pork pies and Swaledale cheese.) Now the move is on to get Yorkshire Pudding on the list. Still I suppose they are all healthy foods unlike the popcorn sold in cinemas. According to the Food Standards Agency (FSA) there are 1,800 calories in a 375g bucket of sweetcorn. A stick of rhubarb in the cinema might be a better alternative.
Plus fish and chips were in the news in March. Evidently the sales of cod are down. We are increasingly eating pollock or catfish (Pangasius) instead of cod. Which is OK, but what I want to know is, do we KNOW when we are served the alternatives?
Common sense still seems to be in short supply. The driver in Scotland who faced a fixed penalty fine for blowing his nose in traffic whilst stationery had his case dismissed. And the lady in Sandwell whose two gnomes, pot tortoise and 'welcome' plaque were removed due to 'fire safety rules' had them returned by the embarrassed council. But the bingo callers in Sudbury, as decreed by the council, still can't call out 'two fat ladies, 88' in case anyone is offended.
About on a par with Northampton Borough Council, who have decided, on 'health and safety' grounds police officers must have ten hours training before they are allowed to ride a bicycle on duty. You feel like laughing at such crass stupidity. Except that there can be serious consequences. An inquest in Scotland heard that a potholer died because a public volunteer was not allowed to use lifting equipment available at the scene of an accident. It took four hours for those allowed to use the equipment to arrive. How sad and pathetic is that. Will we ever learn.
The unluckiest man of the month. The bank robber in Tennessee shot dead by the police on St Patrick's Day. Dressed as, guess what, a leprechaun, and I thought leprechauns were lucky. Mind you, he had done a bank hold up successfully three days before Christmas dressed as Santa Claus.
The most philosophical man of the month. The banker in Wellington, New Zealand who stole $18 million from the ASB Bank. He spent $6.8 on prostitutes and wasted the rest! On wine and property. (Only joking, ladies!)
And the bravest man of the month. Sanal Edamaruku, who challenged a tantric guru to kill him live on Indian television. After several frustrating hours the holy man gave up. But gripping television, beats Coronation Street into the proverbial 'cocked hat.'
March, the month in which the poet laureate wrote a poem about David Beckham's Achilles tendon. Rome announced that Leonardo da Vinci predicted the world would end on November 1st, 4006 (Evidently you only have to look at the Last Supper mural.) And it was finally confirmed what every man already knew. 'Man flu' is real, an evolutionary 'happening', a trade off between high testosterone levels and a robust immune response. So lay off ladies, when he says he doesn't feel well, he doesn't feel well!
So there you have it. I leave you one more fact to ponder. Thomas Beatie and his wife Nancy live in Bend, Oregon. Thomas, a transgender male is seventeen weeks pregnant with his third child. Thomas, formally known as Tracey was a beauty queen before sex reassignment therapy. His wife Nancy is unable to conceive. It is indeed a strange world but good luck to them.

12 comments:

Nakamuras on Saipan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nakamuras on Saipan said...

Loved the Mad March News....1,800 calories in a 375kg of popcorn ? Heading off to the cinema tomorrow, wonder if rhubarb is in season here? Lost 5 lbs and really don't want that to creep back up on me....and the whole pregnant man thing....just leaves me scratching my head...

Eddie Bluelights said...

Loved your Mad March News, especially Father Christmas robbing a bank!!! I wonder if he 'sleighed' anyone Uggh Awful pun.
Did you notice this year March "came in like a lamb and went out like a lion"
Great post, Len

Eddie Bluelights said...

Or even Ken
sorry I am not a natural typist!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, these are hilarious!!! Ostrich eggs? Have you tried them? And the leprechan! Sad for him...but what a hoot! And a pregnant man? Incredible! Where do you get this stuff? You are an extraordinary investigative reporter :-) Cheers, Janine

Uncle Bernard (KD) said...

I was looking for this...
...liking musical bits.
"Grumpy Old Ken"
"If Music be the Food of Love. - My musical education has been sadly limited. I can often be heard emitting a tuneless, repetitive truly indescribable dirge, some say humming sound of aw..."
5 days ago.
Gone?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Congratulations on the weight loss.I find it impossible, is it a 'man' thing!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nakamuras
Hi
Your comment, of course, early in the morning and my brains only half working!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Eddie
hi
Well spotted. Let's hope it lasts all summer!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Eddie
Note my clanger above. We're getting old!

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Sniffles and Smiles
Hi
The strange thing is, all my stuff is from the Times. But often the little side bits that don't always register.

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Uncle Bernard
Hi
It may be me. I often press a button/key and publish accidentally then delete. Don't know how.